Saturday, March 21, 2009

I ordered 5 chickens today. They are straight run speckled sussexes. I have been enjoying the eggs from the 3 chickens already here, and taking care of them. Still, I find that I live in the past and future, rather than just being here. I have become so conditioned to live in an imaginary world that does not exist, and my attention wavers from what is here into fears and concerns that are not present.

Emotions emerge and I know that the feelings can be treated by numerous outlets. But these treatments are only treatments, and do nothing to address the source of the emotions. The pursuit of fixing the problem has only taken my attention from myself, and the search takes over so that I am narrowly aware that I even exist any longer. This forgetting myself is something of an addiction. Because I have desired to rid myself of the experience that I allowed in the first place, and because the search takes me away from it, I become enthralled with the search and the outcome of the search, and totally lose sight of myself here. To forget or to be unaware of myself has been my goal. I have wished that I did not have to exist as I do. Because I have wished for this, it means that I have become this wishing, and from this wishing, it must be that situations are manifested that I must wish for something else, because I am that in which I participate. So the cycle continues because I start the cycle once again by desiring something other than myself here. It is clear that it is not the circumstance that causes the cycle, but my participation in wanting more or something different than what is here.

The need or want for others to empathize with me in my situation keeps me searching outside myself for comfort and understanding. It is because I have not wanted to take responsibility for the way I experience myself. For me to blame the circumstance, and say that I am justified in feeling or thinking a certain way, because it excusable due to my situation and how I see the world.

No comments: