This whole illusion that we experience is brought forth by our search for something more. Each and every quest that we engage in is the actual cause of our illusion. Because we look elsewhere for an answer, we have created the illusion that there is an answer. It is an imaginary concept that we believe to be real. We are bombarded by our own beliefs that we must get somewhere, and the idea holds our attention, and as a result we miss what is actually here.

Within every search for understanding lies the very cause of our illusion that there is anything in existence that we need. The pain we experience drives us to search for a way for the pain to stop. So when we allow ourselves to be directed by the idea of a better or more pleasant experience, we follow this idea, and we find a pleasant or grandiose experience, that always fades. So our quest, once again, becomes finding "happiness". Our attention is diverted to an idea; something that does not exist anywhere but in our imagination, and in this we miss ourselves here, effectively living in an imaginary world within our minds.

In my case, the major idea that has held my attention is everybody loving me, and treating me oh so wonderfully, and likewise me being able to love everybody that loves me. So for my entire life, I've looked everywhere for this love, and I have found that is nothing but an idea, that I have believed can be found somewhere, but it has only existed as according to my definition of it. Sure there have been moments of feeling good and wonderful, and happy, and we've all wanted the positive to exist forever, but it always fades, and what are we left with, but the flip side of the coin, the negative. Sadness, loneliness, disgust, pain and suffering. This is all because we have defined what is of more worth than something else. When what we have defined as positive leaves us, we focus upon getting and maintaining it. So the moment here is spent somewhere in the mind exploring ways that it can be achieved, and what is here is totally disregarded. The more we allow this search to drive us, the more we miss who we are here, and the more we become bound by the ideas that shackle us to the illusion of something grander and more exciting than just being here.

Happiness is a farce, since the definition of happiness changes and evolves along with our concept of happiness. When we believe we have found happiness, we find that this happiness gets ordinary, and we need something more. It is nothing more than an idea, that has not an iota of care for us. It is only interested in feeding itself so that it may continue to exist. There is nothing that it will not do to get from us what it needs. Which is our participation in its energy that it has so cleverly disguised as having some value to us. It means something different for each and everyone of us. One person's idea maybe to be able to rape little girls, while another's idea may be that more love is the answer.

Each of these pursuits are equally vile. It doesn't matter, because it is all the same energy. It is all born of the same insatiable creature, which is the pursuit to exist infinitely. Energy, sex, fear, money, greed, sadness, pain, love, happiness, peace, satisfaction, fulfillment, fame, power, status, sanity, comfort, relationships, strength, security, beauty, health, understanding, God, enlightenment. It matters not to an idea. The ideas sole purpose is to exist, and it will use and abuse us as it will to remain existing; and as long as we are willing participants in ideas, we support its continued existence, and along with it, the atrocities and suffering of the world will continue. Because within each idea is its polar opposite that must also exist in order for the other to exist. Good cannot exist without bad. Beauty cannot exist without ugliness.

The design is simple; what fulfills one's appetite, causes another to go hungry. An endless chain reaction. Each one takes another's concept of happiness away to gain their own idea of happiness or fulfillment, without considering that when one gains, another loses. So the suffering continues because each is following their own self-interested idea of what will make them happier, or fulfill their own belief that something is needed.

For instance, the rapist follows his own idea of satisfaction, and the victim follows her own idea of satisfaction. The rapist's starting point is the fulfillment of a fantasy. The victim's starting point is the fulfillment of the idea of being safe and secure. So each have their own idea of satisfaction or fulfillment, and they allow this idea to move them toward a search of a better or more meaningful life. As long as their movement is predicated by an idea, they subject themselves to a world of ups and downs, good and bad, right and wrong and usher the idea into this world along with its opposite. Because each idea can only exist if its polar opposite also exists. One's existence is dependent upon the existence of the other.

Welcome to hell on earth, because through each and everyones' participation in their own thoughts of and as something more or better, something lesser or worse must also exist. As each idea is brought into physical existence, by our continued involvement and energy in transforming the idea into a physical reality, the idea upgrades and compounds exponentially because when what is here matches the idea that we have had, what is here is overlooked, and a new idea that something more than what is here can exist replaces the old idea. So the cycle continues. For all that is created, its opposite is also created, and, in reality, are one and the same life consuming entity.

I have feared making mistakes because I have not wanted to be known as someone who is often wrong. So when I have been wrong, I have hidden that past, so that I am not judged upon that error. So from all of this, I create a secret world within, that apparently, only I know about. But in this hiding and covering up, I have become the manifestation of dishonesty. This dishonesty is distributed unto the world, because that is who I really have become. There is no way out of this reality, as long as this is allowed to continue.

This hiding or covering up something in the past, attaches me to the past, even though there is no past that actually exists. Yet, because in hiding the past, I carry it with me in my mind, and my actions are based upon an event that, in reality, does not exist. Therefore the reality of the current moment ends up with me acting totally in an imaginary world, instead of here, in the moment, with what actually exists.

The initial error does not carry forth into the future. But reacting to the error is what binds me to an illusion filled world. Because, from the starting point of disguising or reacting to the error, I have accepted an illusion as real, and so the reality of me becomes an illusion that is fed into the reality of this world.

Something subtle has changed about me. I can't quite put my finger on it...It has something to do with self-honesty and repeating the same cycles over again. Oh okay...it is a developing self-trust. Because I know that I've already been down the road of looking to the mind for reassurance and I know that it only leads to more extensive systems. There is actually some stability here. Something that I cannot remember ever being present in my life. Like I don't have to define something to be able to identify it. As if leaving out a step that I always had believed was necessary for understanding. But I'm finding that I can know directly without having to weigh the pros and cons of a given situation before I make a move. And I just move me to where it is necessary for me to be.

This has been something that I have sought for my entire life only to see it forever just out of reach. I have caught short glimpses and spells of it, yet I always feared that I would lose it, and upon that starting point I would base my actions only to find myself completely lost in a maze of illusion. This is not how I had imagined it to be as in, all of a sudden I am a completely different person. And it is not as if I have reached some ultimate pinnacle of existence. It is more like a flowing experience with no certainty in where I will be, but a trust that I will be me when I arrive. It almost seems stupidly obvious, that I will still be me. But because I have believed that it takes concentration in order to stay on track, I have missed everything, because I have limited myself to an idea of what I should be doing.

It is not a hurrying to get somewhere, because I am already here. I am grateful to be here. And it isn't some emotionally charged grandiose realization or an all knowing existence, in which case, in the past, I couldn't wait to see the results of the new, improved me and my interaction with the world outside. No, it not climactic at all. Just me saying, "Hi me."

Bernard finally replied to one of my posts, and I see by my reaction of elation that I have wanted to impress him, to seek approval and acceptance. This has been my starting point of much of what I have done at the Desteni forums. Because he has replied to me, I see a habit of wanting to uphold my standing with him, and impress him with my diligence, yet I know that this starting point only leads to more extensive systems within. It is for me, because it is me, self-honesty is me directing myself as myself and nothing more. The want, need, hope for recognition is a huge part of my programming, and I have let it creep back into my life. Not that I had ever rid myself of it, but that it has mearly upgraded itself to another level, that has been so hard for me to detect because self-honesty has not been my starting point.

It is such an automatic response to want to impress others, that it seems uncontrollable and excusable. I have become frustrated at this relentless system, and have wished it gone without applying the necessary tools to dismantle it. It is laughable, yet very significant, that I continue to experience this system. I have wanted to show that I am aware that these systems exist within me, but awareness of its existence is not a solution in and of itself. It still takes corrective action to not engage.

For instance, I see that the idea that I now have Bernard on my side holds my attention on impressing Bernard, and from that I cannot exercise self-honesty because it does not come from the starting point of self-honesty.

He just made another comment that in reply to my comment "so transparent am I". He says "transfer parent", and I realize that my spite was initially a learned behavior mainly from my mother. The way in which she used to hold us in contempt for doing things contrary to what she wished us to do.

I have not really examined in any depth the ways I am like my mother, because I have not wanted to admit that I would be so spiteful and treat others with harshness and fury either openly or in secret. So this I have hidden from myself and others by hiding it beneath an exterior shell of "niceness" and generosity. I have allowed myself to believe that this fury does not exist within me. Which largely has contibuted to the secretive and manipulative person that I have become.

I have apparently isolated myself from the world, because i have believed that that is what I required to stand up for myself. It is a lonely existence because in this I have separated myself from existence, and by being isolated, I am rather ineffective in this world. I have realized that that was just another way that I was screwing myself.

I am fed up with this existence as an isolated being, living out this existence in the compartments of mind. It is unknown to me whether or not I have had enough of this to finally stand, because I have made statements before, that I have been fed up, only to abandon myself to the whims of my mind. There is pain within me that I have manifested in my isolation, in my heart region. Alowly sining feeling of despair, because I have yet to trust in me, and have placed my trust in searching out desires and an unwillingness to give up my perceived idea of pleasant experiences.

I have believed that I was full of answers, only to find out that all I have known has been a trap for me not to stand. To be so full of answers outside myself is sickening. This full of knowledge with no action has gotten me nothing but more pain and suffering.

I have feared taking action, because I have feared relationships, and in so doing I have created a relationship with the world that is not a pleasant experience. The relationships that I have created are that of pushing people away to let me be as I wish to be. This has worked tremendously well. Better than I had foreseen. I do not wish to play this game anymore, because I am the recipient of my own abuse.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create a threatening persona in order to protect myself from attack.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have abused myself by separating myself as a separate entity, an island of and by itself exclusively.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the inner workings within abuse this world and myself equally.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to attempt to force others into treating as I have wanted to be treated.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wish for exclusive treatment.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to share of myself without censoring that in which I allow myself to express.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to censor myself because I have feared judgment from others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the consequences of expressing myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear what I might happen if I were to just express without judging how I will be judged.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hope for more relationships to be formed.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that although the idea of having another enslaved to me is a comforting idea, that it enslaves us all, and causes abuse to perpetuate within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make statements like "from now on,
I will stand", and in so doing I have projected myself into the future, instead of just remaining here with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge judge judge me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that here is here and never there.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire to be judged as an honest being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a great and honorable person.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to abuse me by ignoring who I am and just saying "fuck it" I will stand later after I indulge in this existence a little longer.

I forgive myslef that I have allowed myself to hide myself from all behind this mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to delay self-forgiveness because I ahve known that that would mean I would have to stand.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to give me to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to avoid contact with forum members bcause I have wanted to create a dynamic of scarcity, which in turn would apparently make me worth more.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to envy those that go to South Africa.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have comtempt for those that are apparently forming relationships in South Africa.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have contempt for those that do not watch my videos.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wish to create a persona as if I do not care what people do.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to secretly wish others to encounter hardships so that they feel regret and shame.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to buy into the idea of status.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wish that I could be someone of high regard.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to delight in the idea of me being an exclusive member of Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express these things about myself because I have had an image to uphold.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be true to myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fool myself by stroking my ego.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have been feeding my ego.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear rejection because of the self-forgiveness I share.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to edit my expression because I have feared losing status.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to worry that I will be judged as a major fuck up, that is in contrast to the image I have wanted to present.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to look for approval or validation of what I am doing or saying.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hope that people will think I am cool.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be so hard on myself and have not allowed myself to laugh at the stupid things that I allow.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wish to be praised.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to gauge myself on what other people say or comment on about me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear what another will think about me, if I am to just come clean.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wait so long to be intimate with me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed others into become intimate with me because i have feared that I may lose a friend if I do.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become intimate with another because I have preferred to judge them as bigger fuck ups than me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not wish to be a chronic poster on the forums out of fear that I may be judged as an attention whore.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to carefully monitor the possibiliies of judgment before I decide to post.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that if I post too much, then what I post will be less likely to be read.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that if I post too much that I will look like I am a know it all.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear calling people on their dishonesties because I will look like the bad guy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to censor myself because I have feared getting into an argument.

There's probably lots more but that's all for now...

I've been going through cycles of having a willingness to stand for life and then not giving a shit, and then letting my mind take over control. The energy that I would have to stand would lose its power. This, because I have been using energy to attempt to become something greater than myself. Myself is myself under all conditions-no energy needed. This is a major point that I catch glimpses of every now and again. But actually remaining here sans energy directing me is something that I have not trusted. I have put my trust in what I "know", in order to feel safe. Much of what I realize and read and see that pertains to reality, has been steadily reverted into knowledge, and I have based my actions upon this knowledge. In other words, I have traded myself for knowledge.

"I must" is energy. "I need" is energy. " I should" is energy, and it all fades away. And so, if it fades, let it be gone. I am still here, and have never needed to be found, but this energy that keeps me struggling and searching, is the very thing that causes me to be lost. Lost in the search, because I have become a -search here- for what is there. This search or desire or striving or anything of that nature has become me, and I have feared losing that, because it is what I have come to believe that I am. So I stop here. For what? For nothing. I stop because I stop. I do not stop, because there is something I wish to attain. I stop because I realize that searching gains me nothing, and that I already have nothing. I am here, and there is nothing else.

I see that my actions have largely been directed by relationships. Either moving toward or away, according to how I would like to manipulate others to do as I would have them do. Currently I see that I have been running from relationships in order to create a certain dynamic. It serves two purposes, that I see. One is to protect myself from rejection, and the other is to create an image of independence. The whole "loner" fuck you attitude.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have started from the starting point of manipulating others in order to get what I want from them.

I can see that I have wanted people that have not given me the credit that I have wanted from them to one day realize that they have been foolish for writing me off as nothing special. This is assuming that I am actually something special. Which is, of course, just an illusion or an idea that I have either wanted people to adopt so that I may be treated as something extraordinary. Hardly a minute goes by that a thought of my image doesn't come up. I have wanted to be pampered and greeted with a red carpet by everyone. For me to realize this about myself is only just that. For me to actually stop allowing myself to seek out such treatment is where it really counts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to be treated in a manner that I have preferred.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer to be treated as above or higher than another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try an uphold or create an image of a great being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I am better than most.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act unequal to that in which I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am more than I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see others as less than or more than me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept others as treating me as if I am something more than or less than them.

There is a balancing I act that I have played within my mind. At any given moment, in the presence of people, I have been concerned with how my actions will make other people feel and what will they think of me. So accordingly, I have acted in a way that I have judged would be pleasant for another in my presence. I have limited myself to certain accepted, tried and true safety net of possibilities.

I have believed that it is my duty to make others feel comfortable. What I have not realized and practiced is that it is not my responsibility how another chooses to feel or behave. But it is only my responsibility to be honest with myself. I have become so engulfed in this lifestyle of compromise, that I am barely aware that I even engage in this limited and self-suppressed existence.

This moment here is the moment that is me. It has been difficult to remain here, because I have had an idea of some sort of end result or achievement that I will reach. But this is the crux of the issue. Because if I practice trying to become something, then I have already missed who I am in this moment, and furthermore I become more adept at 'trying to become'. It is here, this very moment that I am who I am and I practice being me HERE. Funny though, that it actually does not take any effort or energy to be me. I is here. Any effort or energy is an indication that there is a mind involved that attempts to become what I am already.

So continuing on the relationship thing...I have noticed that when someone has expressed delight in me, then I have moved in order to maintain this or to secure my relationship with that being. As if to handcuff them to me. More often then not, it has been when someone has been impressed by something that I have done, and I have worked toward proving that there is more of the same where that came from. This all comes from the idea that I lack notoriety in this world. It has been what I have sought. To be a god of something. Like a superhero with certain powers.

So, at this point, it isn't that I wish to run and hide or stay away from people, but the effort that I have previously put forth in gaining and maintaining friends and acquaintances in my life by presenting myself in the way that I would like to be seen has shrunk. I am aware that it still exists within, and I know that it is up to me whether or not that cycle will continue.

It almost seems as if I have forsaken the world, because the concern I have for the relationships I have had has dwindled. But I see that new relationships interest who I have become. Especially if that someone is of the female variety. This ego maniacal tendency to act in accordance with what my idea of what it is that people would like to see from me, lingers nearby. I have believed that who I am might make someone feel uncomfortable, so I have hidden. I have believed that who I am might make someone think that I am cold-hearted or callous, so I have hidden. I have feared that I would be completely alone, a stranger to all, so I have hidden.

But if these things are to happen because I am being honest with myself, then so be it. I have been running scared for so long. Running from myself, because I have not wanted to be alone. I am tired of running. I have never embraced the darkness, the unknown. So I have never allowed that from myself, because of my fear of it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being myself, because I have feared the unknown consequences of being me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed presumptions of what will happen if I am to be myself to direct me.