There is a lingering feeling of sadness that attempts to pull me away from who I am here. To separate me from this sadness. It is in the moments that I can accept this sadness as one and equal with who I am that sadness dissipates into an acceptance of myself as I am. An intimacy with myself remains here and the freedom to move me from a point of seeing myself as all that I am. The self honest expression of who I am here. This sadness exists in my participation of wishing that we could all be honest with ourselves and one another and that we could all just drop what we believe to be true and just remain here within self honesty. But this can never happen as long as I participate in this running after some greater existence. For how could I ever be truly here if I continue to chase after something that the mind can always deem as something better? That only fuels the idea that I could possibly grab hold of something greater and better than who I exist as here. This idea that I could somehow ascend to some point that all will be done and I can finally accept myself as all that I am. That can only be done here as self acceptance here within self honesty and self forgiveness. To remain here with myself as myself as all that I am here. It is not in trying to help people see their delusions. That would imply that something is wrong with what exists here. It is in remaining here as the self honest expression of who I am here. That is how I can assist and support others as myself. Self honesty here. The self honest expression of me here. Self awareness. The awareness of self honesty here in every moment. The mind bombards me from every angle imaginable so I that I may see self here in every moment. Self trust that I remain here indefinitely.
What can remain indefinitely? Unconditionally? It is undefineable. Definitions are of a concept of the mind which consists of thoughts. Thoughts come and go and therefore exist conditionally. Emotions come and go just the same, and have never existed here unconditionally. If it something that must be obtained or sought then it cannot exist unconditionally. What is unconditional is all that exists here always unchanging. To form an idea or opinion or thought is of a temporary nature and is not of the unconditional. The feelings and emotions that come and go are conditional. If it can be turned on then it can be turned off. Engaging in temporal things is to engage in all that is not of the unconditional nature of self. It is in being what one is and always has been. Energy of any sort is conditional. Energy depletes and is finite. Who self exists as here is unconditional, no matter who or what self is.

Do I refuse to see all that I am? Have I not accepted myself as all that I have become within self forgiveness? Is there conflict within that I am attempting to resolve through participation in conflict? I am here as what, I have not a clue. What I exist as, I have not a clue. Good or bad, I don't have a clue. I exist here as all that I am. I am not proud of who I am. I am not happy to be me. I am not sad or do I regret being me. I am just me as I am as that I exist as. To try and define whether or not I'm doing the right thing is an exercise in judgment. Who I am here within self honesty of all that is seen within acceptance and self forgiveness of all that is seen is who exists here. If I look I will not see. For looking is not an instant realisation of what is seen but an effort to draw conclusions that make sense to the mind. It is within acceptance of each and everyone as an expression of all that we've allowed ourselves to be one and equal to within forgiveness of each and everyone as myself for allowing this world to exist as it does. And I forgive this mess of a world that I have participated in bringing about and I forgive all those that have also partcipated as and with me to bring this world into existence. I am equal to all that exists, and therefore I cannot blame me for being me. I have not chosen to be me. I am all that I am and I forgive myself for allowing myself to try and be something or someone other than who exists here.

So I just bought an AR-15. The reason that I bought it is still unclear to me. Maybe out of fear of the future. It just seemed like the practical thing for me to do at the time. If food gets incredibly hard to come by, then the best way that I have seen for me to obtain food is to hunt and fish. If it gets that bad, then what food that I will have in my garden or the food that I have in my house will last for a week at the most. Buying this rifle was to give myself more options or avenues in which to keep this body alive. Is this any different than storing up food in an event that it becomes hard to obtain food? Would this be done out of fear of the future also? Or is it possible to prepare for the future without fearing it? Is it all based in fear? Is being self sufficient based in fear? The question would be, did I move me or did my fear move me. I've been looking at getting a nice survival knife also. So am I doing this out of fear or am I doing it to move myself into self sufficiency. If I buy a fishing pole in case of a food shortage, is it because of fear or is it moving myself toward self sufficiency? It would all depend upon my starting point of whether or not I was here in self honesty or not. I bought a firearm and I am all that exists, so if the money and the firearm exist here as me, then I am one and equal to both of those manifestations. Does it make a difference if the rifle is in a gun store or in my house?
Was there a conflict within when I decided to buy this thing? In everything we do there is a choice that one makes to either act as and within a conflict to move toward an illusionary resolution to this conflict or to remain as all that one is here. If I continue to buy food from a supermarket, then I act within this manifested existence of money and participate in my dependence upon supermarkets to remain here for me to purchase food. If I live within this society and participate as a part of this society, then I maintain this society's existence as it is. Is it even possible within this manifested reality be completely free of the world that I have helped create? I live in this city and pay my taxes. Doesn't this maintain and support the city as existing as it is? Is there a way out, in an instant? Must I forsake this entire way of life here? If I run into the woods, then I am runing from all that I exist as here, which once again is a means to some illusion of resolution. So I still have no answer. If I study martial arts, is it out of fear that I might get attacked or would I be doing it because that is the self honest expression of who I am here? Why I bought the goddamn thing has no bearing on who I exist as here. It is only the mind that wants to know. So to continue to search for an answer keeps me bound to the past as something that I had done as defining me as who I am here. I feel no different for having this firearm in my possesion. It hasn't changed who I am. I have no added sense of power or feeling of more security. To try and decide if what I did yesterday supports the mind in the past and who I exist as here becomes there and then. Not here.

Those who have already decided to believe in what constitutes truth have chosen to filter out what does not fit in with their idea of truth. From this point, one can never see. One only looks through their own scope of vision to base their entire existence upon what they choose to view. How does this affect me? A frustration desires to emerge and manifest as controversy and rebellion. To attempt to wake people up, and to somehow find a way to illustrate the deception that they have directed at themselves. The overwhelming majority hasn't even one iota of truth within, for they have chosen to believe in consensus knowledge as gospel. The only basis for their perceived truth is that other people have said that it is the truth. So they have gone about their lives in an attempt to prove to themselves that what they have believed is true, instead of seeing for themselves that they exist as complete and utter self deception. For the fear of seeing who they exist as here keeps them enslaved to the ideas that they have based their entire lives around. To see oneself is to admit that everything that one has done has been based upon lies and deception. It is the fear of realising that self has chosen lies over self honesty. People would rather be "right", than see themselves honestly. They choose to tell themselves what they would like to hear, rather than what actually is.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to exist as and within frustration that people fear seeing themselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I need to show people that they exist entirely within and as self deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless and powerless to illustrate peoples' deception of themselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is very unlikely for people to stand up as themselves within and as self honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in the minority for standing as myself within and as self honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my existence here as a struggle to spread truth to the masses.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted myself as who I exist as here in every moment of every breath.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that it is not about what other people do, but only about who I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I am not already here as all that I can ever possibly be here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my existence here as either closer or farther away from an idea of some higher truth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be getting closer to self realisation, as if self realisation is some point that one finally reaches and becomes some sort of enlightened being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive Bernard as some sort of higher being, and that one day I can be such a being through some sort of process of becoming interdimensional.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive interdimensionality as some sort of attainment or degree of self honesty and self realisation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as 'less than' until I become aware of existence interdimensionally.
I am here as I embrace my existence as who I am here.

So we become the manifested demons that we have allowed ourselves to exist as. This makes it simple to see what one has allowed of oneself. It takes brutal self honesty to face what one has allowed and accepted as oneself. If one is even slightly self dishonest, the demon that one refuses to accept as being one and equal to, compounds into a more grotesque being until it is impossible to deny as who one has become. All of the turning away and denying will do nothing but allow the demon to thrive. It is in accepting the demon that one has allowed to exist as self that the process of self forgiveness can be applied to release the demon that exist within and as self. Until one faces all that one has allowed of oneself, this process is useless. Until one sees all that one has allowed of oneself, can this process begin. Self honesty here. What demons do I currently exist as? If I am not clear on the demons within me, they will make it known unto me by expanding within me until I can see them clearly and can no longer hide it from myself. Thus it is inevitable that I will see. It is inevitable that I will release all that exists within me until only self remains. I either choose to realise self here or I am forced to see by all that exists here as me.

Talked the John Demaree and Milo today about some things that I could have never have talked about before. The fear of being judged as a certain type of person would have scared me away from actually expressing the thing that I talked about. Things like the portal and Anu and sexual expression and really things that I haven't been so candid about, except on the internet. It is nice to just express who I am. There are still hang ups about exposing too much of myself, but to find myself actually voicing the self honest expression of who I am has rarely happenend within this lifetime. In the past, much of what I have said has been ambiguous on purpose. In this way, what I had said could fit into one's belief system and I could avoid contoversy, while at the same time, could lead one to believe that I believed much of the same beliefs. This was done out of fear of being rejected, fear of being confronted or ridiculed, and fear of standing as myself.
I find that as I express myself honestly, that it encourages others to do the same, as John had shared some sexual experiences he had when he was a boy, that he has told very few people about. My entire life has been about hiding who I really am behind an exterior image or illusion.
It is foremost in releasing the image of myself that I have projected as myself that will fade into non existence as I remain as I am here unconditionally. Rarely has anyone showed their true colors to me because I have never shown my true colors. So this world of secrets and hiding ourselves has been compounded according to my involvement in this charade. I am finding that it doesn't have to be controversial to stand as myself. Although the self honest expression of myself may seem controversial to the mind I have allowed to suppress me, withholding or supressing myself only breeds more suppression of existence, as others project an image of who they are unto the image that I, myself have projected as myself unto them. So it ends up being two projected images of ourselves in a relationship of self dishonesty, our actual selves buried deep beneath an image we had created to act as ourselves.

I realised today on the way home from work that indeed there is a fear that exists within me to stand as myself, out of fear of what will happen to the relationship that currently exists between my mom and I. To just come out and say that religion is enslavement, has many scenarios that come up within my mind. Most of them are undesirable to me. Yet this fear keeps me enslaved to an image that I have intended to uphold as who I am. To project or portray an image that can be accepted by her. I have not even allowed her to respond to who I am here, because I have not been completely honest about who I am here. I have only allowed her to see certain parts of myself that I have believed that she may be able to accept as me. Which, although I have hinted at who I am, I have suppressed the actual true expression of myself, because I have wanted to keep her accepting me. Even though the me I have projected is not really who I am, entirely. Which, although it may seem close to who I am, it is common sense that even being 99 percent one's true self is still 100 percent deception of who I am here. One is either the self honest expression of oneself or one is completely and utterly deceiving self.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to curb the true expression of who I am here out of fear of upsetting mom.I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as tip toeing around the true expression of myself in an effort to remain in favor of mom.I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear mom's reaction to the self honest expression of who I am here.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being estranged from my family members out of fear of their reactions to being the self honest expression of who I am here.I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being on the outside of the family looking in.I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from my family.I am who I am, and if who I am is not accepted by my family members for being who I am, then there is no point in trying to hang on to something that comes and goes according to who someone believes me to be or how I am perceived to be. I stand here as myself as all that I am here.

Mom called me today, saying that Amber is concerned about me and how she thinks that I want her to quit going to church. It is this chasing a greater existence that religion teaches, that has kept us so completely enslaved. Never are we good enough. Religion teaches us that we are lowly and we must continually be unhappy with our current existence here because something greater exists beyond who we are here. Not until god saves us from ourselves do we become happy and paradise is reached. This idea of a greater existence than here; all of our troubles somehow are supposed to vanish and we will be finally in this kingdom of heaven, where all is wonderful. So we must earn our way to heaven by suffering enormously in this world and constantly strive and toil until we finally reach this promised land. Then all will be fine and god will rule over us, since we can never be as good as god. The bible teaches that Jesus died for our sins, and that he has payed the price for all man's sins past and present and future. Yet we must earn our way there. So there is this reward , which is heaven, that is greater than we can imagine. Greater than who we are here. So naturally we are inclined to be shameful of who we are here, because we are bad, even though god created us this way, we are forever in debt to god because he is supposed to save us from who we are. So if god is all knowing, and god is all good and perfect in every way, how can god create something that is less than perfect or bad? If god consists of nothing but good, how can he create something that is not good or not of god or less than that of which consists of god? If god created all that exists, and god is only good, then how can anything exist that isn't good? How can evil exist unless god, himself, created evil? So if god created evil, and god consists of nothing but good, then evil is also good and of god. All that exists is of god, because god supposedly created all that exists. So if I am evil, then I am exactly as god had created me. So how could I ever be any different than god created me? How could I ever change who I am if god created me to be as I am? All of the striving to become something other than who I am here, is simply an impossibility. So if god wants me to continually beg for forgiveness for my shortcomings, then it is god's creation of me as a less than him that he has created me, and I am only begging god to forgive me as he has created me. But it is not I that has created me to be as I am, so why would I have any responsibility in who I am? Why would I beg to be forgiven for something god has done himself? Asking god to forgive me for being less than perfect, even though it is exactly how he created me, would be nothing but asking god to forgive me for being exactly how he wanted me to be. So why would god need or want me to beg for his forgiveness for something he had done unto me? This is complete and utter nonsense.

Talked with Amber today about the my "path". Being understood by those that have been in my life, or those who apparently know "me", used to be so important to me. It has been fear of being alone in this existence that this desire of being understood has been so extensively sought. Obtaining security of some sort, so that I can feel as if I am not alone in this process of realising myself. But of course this line of action is nothing but continued dependency to not stand as myself in every moment; relying on a certain set of conditions that seemingly make it easier to stand as myself. It is in these relationships that we hold so dear, the things we fear losing the most that keep us bound to this existence of and as separation from all that we are.
There is a lingering idea that "things would be so nice when..." Yet this never happens when these ideas are entertained. Some past or future event that takes us away from who we are here. Something better than here has always been what has kept us enslaved by the continuous pursuit of what we deem as more than or a better off scenario than what is here. It is here that we exist, and if we choose to look at things that do not exist here, then we choose illusion and deception as our existence. It is admitting that who we exist as here is not enough. That somewhere else is where we will finally be complete. Common sense shows us that this is utter nonsense. This is what breeds this world of polarity. This striving to become something greater than who we have always been, and who we will always be.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to exist in separation of myself by choosing to view here as less that what could be.
I forgive myself that I have chosen to see here as something that must be escaped out of fear of remaining here as all that I am here.
Here is the opportunity to stand and remain here as all that I am and have become through my partcipation in pursuing some illusion of a greater existence.
Here is what I exist as here. This is the constant. This is all that can remain indefinitely. I embrace what is here. I am here.

It is in judging myself as I would see others might judge me according to what they have seen in the my actions or words that I have spoken. If it is an acceptable image of who I believe they have judged me to be, then I have acted to uphold that judgement that I have seen as more advantageous to me. To get people to "understand" me. It is all based on the past; an image that I have believed that they perceive me to be. So my actions get based upon this assumption that I am percieved a certain way, and I have chosen to to reject or accept this personality that I have perceived as how I am defined by the definer. This is all just my own self deception of who I am here. For if for even a moment I have acted upon this thought, I would have already begun to prove or disprove the validity of their perception, which is nothing less than self deception.