It is incredible the amount of bullshit within me. All that I've allowed myself to exist as. Generally speaking, it has been the definition of myself as less than what could be. Not taking into consideration myself here, but looking at an idea of a grander self, and a grander world. It has totally become me. So much so, that it is an automatic response within almost every situation. It is a staggering revelation to realize that it is an actual physical manifestation. That nothing within me, that I have become, is of any value. That I, physically must remain here within the physical, as the manifested physical reality that I have allowed from myself. To see who I have become, and to no longer allow any participation in that which has gotten me to this point through what I have allowed of myself. Which is the definition of self as something in relation to a definition.

Physically, I have become the expression of a definition of self, and that is as real as I am. Not really existing, except for within a definition of existence. Not existence itself; but a definition of existence, indefinitely, for as long as I participate from within and as the manifested definition of self as actual self.

To forsake all that I have become, because there is not an iota of reality within that definition of the physical as the physical.

I have talked of this, but have not been heard, only because those who are listening are not willing to see that they, themselves, are participating within and as this illusion, as a physically manifested expression of non-existence/illusion. It is not even a consideration because within and as their involvement of and as illusion, they continue to believe themselves to be the illusion that has been created by and as themselves to be real. Not seeing the implied reality within following an assumption that what they believe is reality and the only reality worthy of consideration. The expression of self as a self-eradication. The reality being that they are the physical expression of self-deceit and illusion. Self removing self from existence, because they would rather continue existence within and as the manifested illusion, rather than realizing that they have become the process that removes all that is real from within self, until nothing real remains existing within and as self.

Talk of this, or even hinting at the possibility that they currently only exist as an illusion is seen as lunacy, because within and as the existence of self as illusion, reality represents lunacy. Reality will not make sense to those who believe illusion to be reality; and to speak of reality will be seen as complete and utter, inconceivable, craziness. Because they have been completely integrated into and as the illusion, thus can only function as that illusion.

It is to see self-here and to not participate in anything that self has participated in that has manifested self as the existent illusion that self has become. A self-honest illusion, letting go of self as the definition of self that has been clung to. Because to the illusion, only that which consists of the illusion is seen as real.

The reality in this is that self has not yet proven that self is real, and that self has allowed thoughts, beliefs, and ideas to have jurisdiction and dominion over what is actually here.

Within all of this, I see that much of what I say or express will likely be viewed as non-sense, and will be discounted as delusions and beliefs that I have assumed are true. That because if I express self-honesty as who I am here to a being that is aligned with the idea that their thoughts and beliefs are actually what is real, then the relationships that I have kept will disintegrate, because relationship cannot be sustained, because within self-honesty, I can no longer allow myself to acknowledge an illusion as reality. This has already begun, because what I have expressed to some has challenged their current perspective of themselves and the world around us.

Reality can never be realized within the limitations of basing an experience upon acquired knowledge, because knowledge is based upon the past, which is not a direct experience/expression of what is here, but is only based upon an assumption that what is believed to be true must be true. Of course, the only way to know the truth is to be one and equal to the truth, of which there is no space within truth that deception can exist.

Beliefs do not make or unmake reality, they are simply beliefs, that have no influence upon the actuality of a given moment. It is a mere imagination, and nothing of an illusion can ever exist within that which is real. One percent illusion within 99 percent reality still equals 100 percent illusion.

There is a distinct possibility that I am resisting seeing an important point, because I find myself not very specific in the ways that I am assisting and supporting oneness and equality. As if I have overlooked the obvious. Or maybe I have underestimated what it takes for me to become effective. I have not yet stood here as myself for longer than a few moments. Not really standing but, being here as the breath for a few moments, and it has been back into my mind until I realize that I am in my mind again. So, I can't be more effective within this world than I am with myself, since I am one and the same as the world itself.

There is still an underlying selfishness within, because I have not yet been able to give of myself unconditionally. Somehow, I have been holding myself back. I have not yet unconditionally expressed myself, but only expressed who I am when, I have felt comfortable with the probable outcome of self-expression. So I have been hanging onto the life that I have manifested for myself, because what has been manifest, I have not been willing to completely part with. I have thus far proven that I cannot yet be trusted with life, because I have not yet allowed life to expand within and as me.

Instead, I have followed rules and limitations according to my thoughts and beliefs of what I should do in order to achieve the results that I have been looking for. I have put my trust in thought to explain to me who I am. Which is absolutely preposterous, because who I am within self-honesty is that in which I express without any reservations or limiting belief systems of right or wrong. I am already me, and there is nothing to find or omit, because I already exist. Censoring myself is absolute self-deception because it only suppresses who I actually am. How can I not be who I am? If who I am tries to become more than who I am already, it is self-abuse, because within this practice, I state to myself that I do not accept myself as who I am, and that I want something more. I can never be more than who I am. That is but an idea. Ideas do not tell me who I am, they only distract from who I actually am within action. Being me, expressing myself is already who I am, and needs not an explanation or definition. Self is self-explanatory, it is who I am, what I express, how I express. Just me here. The expression that I wear. Can I ever not express who I am? I express myself under all conditions. I only need be aware that I am that I am. I express me in every moment. I only need see. That which I see is me. That which I do is me. Everything that is or will ever be.

One of the many ways that I have limited and suppressed myself is by fearing that by being myself, that I will be rejected as who I am. So from that starting point, I have only allowed from within me, that in which I have believed will be accepted by others. I have only allowed myself to express myself within the "safety" of not being rejected. This has been extremely limited, because not all people accept the same personalities. So I have looked for a personality in which I will be accepted within everybody's opinions. Essentially, nobody. Not standing as myself, but only first calculating the acceptance level within a given circumstance, before acting. Then acting in order to be accepted as an acceptable personality.

To not act according to a belief system. Exactly how is this done? Simply do not allow beliefs. To which one may say "how can I not believe in anything?" Through participating exclusively within and as what is here. It does not require a belief to be here and to act here. I am here. Not a belief or conclusion. But merely what IS. Awareness of what is here. So can I act without believing anything? Certainly. Here, within every moment of every breath. Seeing is not a conclusion or belief. Awareness of what is seen. Belief is acting upon a memory or assumption of what is here, based upon knowledge of the past. It is rigid and lifeless, and is bound by its own structure and cannot act here because it exists only within the mind, constructed and based upon the past. Never here.

So to take it a step further is being honest with self in what is currently taking place within and self. If it is seen that self is abusing self or another, then stop, and no longer allow that from self. Because self IS that which one is in participation of, from within.

Tendencies to react according to how a program has been designed for me to act have continuously stripped me of awareness of self within every breath. It is what I have allowed because I have believed that I am nothing more than thoughts, beliefs, and definitions of myself and of the world around me. Entertainment for the mind to remain active and existing. To exist within thoughts so that I am completely unaware that self even exists, and that I allow it all to manifest as myself by my participation in abdicating self-responsibility of all that in which I participate. When I am within thoughts, I am completely unaware of that in which I am participating, because it is a program, and the program is not designed to include self-awareness. Self becomes drowned out in a cacophony of noise and distractions, as thought process.

In general the tendency to find out where I am in relation to something has been the most prominent stumbling block. For instance, when I have awoken in the morning, the tendency has been to reassemble my memories and definitions of "where" I am. As if that is at all necessary to begin the day. As if it is necessary to remember that my dog died so that I can remember to be distraught about the perceived situation, for instance. As if I am required to remember "who I am", so that I can remember how to act, before I can act. All of that is limiting myself to one possible outcome, which is doing exactly as I have been programmed to do.

Who I have thought myself to be within all of my definitions and judgments has enabled a personality, that can only act within the boundaries of that defined personality. A robot with a specific program to remain existing as that programmed personality.

As the program, I will at all costs, protect the robot and the program to carry out what I was programmed to do, which is to use and abuse self for its continued existence. This is why it is vital to stop allowing myself to exist as a programmed personality. As the program, I can only abuse myself and others, because self-abuse is how the program has been designed to remain existing.

Eternity in a bubble, with only me. That has serious ramifications. If I exist as abuse in any way whatsoever, then I have eternity to realize that I have only allowed myself to exist as abuse, which as it turns out, abuse of another is self-abuse, because I would exist as abuse as myself. As long as any is allowed to exist as abuse, then we all exist as abuse.

It is quite simple, yet because people realize that if they were to look at themselves honestly, then that might mean that they would have to ditch the belief systems that they have held onto oh so dearly.

I had a discussion today about how I have allowed my idea, of some greater existence, to direct my every move. The guy's name is Jack, and he asked me if I think I am complicating things. He has many ideas that he takes for granted is the truth. So telling him anything is of little use. He waits to speak, and does not listen to that in which I am saying, but rather gauges the validity of what I say according to his own beliefs and preconceptions of truth.

Defending and advocating the belief systems that have been employed by a person is a very, very common reaction. Of course he is 75 years old, and obviously believes that there is nothing that I can say that he, himself hasn't already figured out.

From myself, I see that when someone is not willing to take a look at anything other than what supports their belief, that there awaits an opportunistic frustration that will jump at any chance to take hold of me in order to direct me to continue to allow more breeding of frustration from within. This is an unacceptable reaction, because it only punishes and abuses myself, by looking at a scenario within my mind and defining that situation as better than here. Meanwhile, I will have already taken what is actually here for granted, and instead, imagined a situation that is apparently better, in order to define here as less than optimal. It is a reaction to an imaginary definition of existence here.

Seeing this is of no value in and of itself. Taking action as not allowing a false definition of the circumstance to direct me is the only thing of 'value'. What is here is all that is real. So I breath, and see what is here. Not an interpretation of what is here, nor what could be or might be, because that is living within an imaginary existence. Not self-application, but self-abuse and self-deceit.

The thought and belief patterns have already been established. Thoughts and beliefs have been constructed from the perspective of "I" as the central figure. "I" will always be the central figure within thoughts. It is within the programming and construction of thoughts, that "I" is always the central figure, the most important, the one to be most concerned with. There is nothing that can be done to change that, because it has already been established that "I" is central. Thoughts are concerned with one thing. Me, me, me. How does the world relate to me? From within a thought, "I" can only be the central interest, because that is the way that every thought has been constructed. Me as the most important, the main agenda. Abuse is accepted within a thought, because all but "I" will be compromised. Fuck the world, as long as "I" remains intact and unchallenged.

This "I" is an idea, constructed thought by thought, definition by definition. It is an imaginary identity. Protection of that identity is the core concern. Because it has been constructed over time, it will not be willing to allow any threat to its survival to exist. The one threat to its survival is self-honesty here. Here, "I" cannot and does not exist, because "I" requires participation of self to allow the definition/identity of "I" to exist within, in lieu of self.

Because the identity, "I" is permitted to exist, self withers away into nothingness, as "I" infests and consumes self entirely. Self was never allowed to exist. Self was taken for granted, and instead of allowing self to expand into life, self was brushed aside and replaced with hopes and dreams of something more. Something better, something more beautiful and wonderful, something beyond. All just an idea. Just an imagination. Unreal. A definition.

Self. Not a definition. Not a belief. A being. Here. Unimaginable. Life. Touchable. Real. Substance. Existence.

I am continuously participating within and as this world according to what I allow from myself. My experience of myself has been based upon thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and emotions to explain the world around me. In essence, self has been missing within the experience. By allowing my thoughts to explain me and my experience, I have missed me altogether, and instead have believed what my thoughts have told me about reality.

An explanation is but a representation or description of reality, and not reality in fact. It is only a description handed down by an interpreter. To believe that an interpreter can sufficiently describe reality is ludicrous. Yet, I have bought into the idea that I am blind, and must look to an interpreter to explain the world and myself to me.

Maybe more than anything is the belief that I need something. An incessant sales pitch, describing a better me, a better world, a better experience, a better existence. All of which, are paths away from me, here. It isn't that I ever actually leave here, but it has been the belief that I am getting somewhere away from here. The proverbial carrot on a stick, which proves only to promote more seeking, and seeking to maintain status.

The pitch goes something like this: "If you want to remain here forever, then follow me. Or if you don't want to remain here forever, then follow me." It is an illusion that something beyond self will ever exist, just as the prospects of escaping self will ever occur. They are two sides of the same illusion. Self exists here, there is nothing more or nothing less, nor will there ever be.

Self IS here, unexplainable, undefinable, simply here. Existence entirely, absolutely, indisputably.

There are a number of pleasurable experiences that I have continued to believe are something that I must have in order for life to be worth living. These things have held my attention as what I have believed are the source of my enjoyment. I have seen these things as something outside of me that causes me to experience what I experience. Yet, I have been the source all along. It has not been something outside of me, but that has been my belief. I have believed that certain various things define my enjoyment. I am the cause of my enjoyment, but have all along believed that something out there has caused it. Circumstances that I have defined as enjoyable have led me to believe that I can only experience joy if the circumstances meet certain criteria for enjoyment to exist. So from that belief, I have tried to change the circumstance into what I have defined as enjoyable.

I will use the example of heads and tails to illustrate. If I believe that heads is enjoyable and tails is not, then from that belief, I try to manipulate the circumstance so that heads will occur more often, and last longer than tails. Yet I have not seen that it has only been me allowing myself to experience joy, when the circumstance has been heads.

I have never been bound to experience joy only while the circumstance is heads, but I have believed that it must be that heads has caused my enjoyment. I can experience joy at any time, but I have not allowed myself to do that unless I believed the circumstance permitted it. All along it has been me directing me in allowing it or not. but I have directed myself to be directed by how I have defined the circumstance.

For instance, when people say look on the bright side, this implies that there must first exist a bright side in order to experience joy. We are not bound by a circumstance to experience joy, but we have permitted ourselves to be dependent upon what we have accepted as a definition of when it is possible and when it is not possible for an enjoyable experience to exist.

I have dishonesty points about needing people. About proving that I need no assistance, that I can make it on my own. As if to tell the world that I am independent. A smugness to say that I am too good to need any help from anyone. An idea that I can make it anywhere under any circumstance. To say that I can take all the punishment that you can dish out.

But what does this say about me? That I fear being a burden to anyone. "Ignore me. I do not even exist. Forget that you knew me." I"ve been hiding myself out in the open.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear letting people down.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear intimacy with other people.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear showing vulnerability, and hide it by displaying vulnerability, to make sure that people will not invest in me.

I have some subtle addictions. Addiction to excellence, a well-rounded excellence. Addiction to extreme balance of obsessiveness and fear of commitment. I have often obsessed over something, and later become obsessed with something else. Swinging from one extreme to the other in some sort of balanced mayhem. Extremely lukewarm. Addiction to non addiction, commitment to non commitment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being less than excellent, because I fear that someone may want to help me and get too intimate with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being controlled by my emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing vulnerability in another person because they may want to admit/confess their dishonesty to me, and express intimately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire privacy, and have done everything imaginable to maintain my privacy by making sure that people maintain their privacy.

I have kept people at arm's length, and have lived within a semi-cloudy bubble. I have shown myself but only through a blurry window. I have wanted to be mysterious so that I am able to remain slightly unclear, or not completely understood or available for close up inspection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people showing me what I already know about myself, but I am unclear about, because I want to do it on my own, my own way, alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish to be an island, completely uninfluenced by suggestions, because I have given more worth to finding out by myself, without any help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear uncovering how I can best assist others, because I fear that I may do a less than excellent job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my best may be only mediocre.

I see that I have been fearing mediocrity, so I have stayed within a bubble of comfort, and only participate in activities that I am confident that I have the ability to be excellent.

So what would be something that I would be really mediocre at doing if I gave it my best?

Yesterday, I found myself searching for ways that I could permanently change, for instance, how can I change so that I no longer get angry, and I had the simplest realization. Which is to stop.
I've seen this solution before, but didn't really see that I was actively participating in the continuation of me as anger, by looking for a path that would lead me to serenity.

To step foot onto a path leading to somewhere implies that I am not yet there, and I that I will be there when certain conditions are met; sometime in the future, when I become an imagined likeness of what I believe must happen for me to achieve a desired state of being. 'Desired state of being', being the key words here. This has been a path that I have believed would take me to where I must go, but it never occurred to me that the path does not lead to where I think it does.

Whereas, stopping here, is indisputable. I stop participation in anger, here. Period. There is no guesswork or assumptions of a destination. I am here, I am either participating in anger or not. Simple.

The major fuck up has been me telling myself, "okay, I've got to stop being angry." In these words, I have unknowingly said to myself, "I have no power to stop being angry. I am a victim of the anger that consumes me. Hopefully, it will stop." It is a self-fulfilling prophecy of helplessness toward anger.

"I either allow anger or I don't." In stating this, I am saying that I am responsible for all that I allow from myself. That I direct me, instead of playing the role of a helpless victim.