Specifically, I have wanted to be "cared for". Active encouragement, according to how I have defined it. I've seen times that I have pretended helplessness or incapability in order to get the attention that I have craved for my entire life. I had gotten pretty convincing, because I had even partially convinced myself, and as a result, often got the attention that was sought. Which has been an [awww Lloyd, I'll sacrifice myself for you] type of reaction, wherein, I am the center of attention.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to not be able to stand up for myself because I have wanted to receive attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become unaware that I have purposely become "troubled" in order to receive the "nourishment" that I have craved from others.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have craved attention from others because I have not been enough for myself, and in the process of searching have taken myself for granted, and become unaware that I even exist.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have abused myself because I have wanted to play the part of the "poor little victim".
Like when I have been really sick, and the entire family became concerned with my well being. That is exactly what I have wanted from the world. So I have subconsciously sabotaged myself in order to receive this sort of treatment. The Munchausen syndrome.
A subtle way in which I have applied this manipulation tactic is to exaggerate my diligence and or "good-heartedness" to create a "bad" things happening to a "good" person scenario. The depths in which I have become manipulative is staggering. Even to the extent that I became lost in and as the role I was playing, effectively losing me, in order to become a "real" actor, so that my role would be convincing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for comfort from others by playing the victim of tragic circumstance, so that I could "illustrate" to myself that I am loved.
I forgive myself that I have adopted this role of "humanitarian", as myself, to gain the support and sympathy from the world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand when I have been capable all along.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent upon the attention and affection of others, to "get me through".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself because I have believed in the image I have defined as being a noble, warm-hearted being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there can exist any lasting comfort in someone or something separate and outside myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that I have created my own suffering, because I have allowed self-interest to direct me toward "more" for me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand here in support of all life equally as one as myself unconditionally.
Unconditionally meaning, unchanging, that which remains unchanged. Myself as unchanged, eternal, never fading, always here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that the caring and nourishment that I have apparently lacked is because I have not assisted and supported myself as equal and one with all beings, but instead from within and as a "me first" existence.