Monday, May 18, 2009

I have had an issue with self-importance, and I see it in the concern that I have to be regarded in a certain light. I also see it when I have been apparently not noticed or ignored. I used to fight to get noticed, and that didn't ever work out like I had planned, and so I changed the approach to a 'fuck-off' attitude, and all that got me was a charade that I really don't give a shit anyway. This has been 'preferable' to me because I can pretend to be in the abuser role instead of the victim. But it is the fact that I have chosen to participate in either role, through reacting, that has kept me ensnared by a personality manifestation of the past.

I have taken great offense to what people do "to me", and this reaction just reaffirms to myself and the world that I am defined as 'being treated that way.' Nobody does anything to me. I do it to myself, by my active participation in playing the role of 'having had someone do something to me'.

So if I am playing that role of 'I have been disrespected', then of course, I will encounter situations that I am a victim of disrespect, because I have already declared that I am a victim, both to the world and to myself, through my belief or perception or idea that I have been victimized. In this way, the idea of being disrespected is allowing and accepting the possibility of disrespect to exist, and to continue existing.

Because, in reacting, I have affirmed that I am the definition of 'being disrespected', and in that, I exist as a victim within this world. Therefore, the expression of me is that of a victim of disrespect. In which case, this ensures that more disrespect, as defined by me, will exist, because I have defined myself as 'being a victim'. In order for me to exist as the self-proclaimed 'disrespected', something must manifest in order for me to be victimized, as defined by me. So, by my own definition, I become a manifested channel of disrespect, ushering disrespect into this world, as myself, 'the disrespected'.

I am responsible for the world. I am responsible for me; and what I accept and allow from myself, I also accept and allow to exist within this world as myself.

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