I don't feel like doing a blog today, so I decided to do one anyway. Still I find that I attempt to conceptualize and define self-honesty as a dead point that can be placed within a box and say that 'this' is self-honesty. It is grasping for something in which to hold onto that has some point of reference, not flowing, but dead and lifeless. It is based in fear that I will lose me, that somehow if I let go of definitions, then surely I will cease to exist. It is second guessing myself, with absolutely no self-trust present; reflecting on what I just did to monitor whether or not I was self-honest, living in the past as a concept. Self-honesty is lived, not experienced as validation. It is here as me, without a definition. It has no sum, it has no value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and conceptualize and place a value upon self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust in myself here without trying to define and try to determine what self-honesty entails.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my trust in the mind as something that can be relied upon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no reference point in which to define myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that in which I do as either self-honest or not self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wander away from here in an imaginary world within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted me as who I am here, and continued a search to find something more than me here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to police myself within the boundaries of a concept of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be more than who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted energy as the force that moves me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add more knowledge in an attempt at becoming more than who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that knowledge will lead me to self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the goal of self-honesty, and not realizing that self-honesty is not a dead point that can be reached.

Self-honesty is living here, not reaching outside of here to gain something. This would imply separation as myself, as something here and something there.

I stop. I remain here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be anywhere or anything other than here as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being self-honest. This in itself is self-dishonesty, because it does not accept me here, but fears a future point that does not exist here, but only as a concept within the mind.

I just realized that defining and placing labels on oneself or others is a secondary action, in that it occurs after what is already here. Seeing a boat in the distance, and saying to self that that is a boat adds an unnecessary step. It is already seen and there is no reason to define it to oneself, because self already sees, and a definition is just baggage in which to lug around.

A point that is in my face almost everyday is seeing my cousin and his household. The entire family is getting progressively more violent and whiny. He or Cindy do not realize how they are creating chaos in their handling of the situations that plague them. For instance, attempting to correct a child for hitting a sibling, by hitting the child. This illustrates to a child that hitting is a preferred and effective method in which to (resolve a problem/get what is wanted.) So, quite naturally, the frequency of hitting is increased within the family.

What I am faced with is a situation that cannot change because, they are not willing to see or hear that they are the very cause of the chaos that thrives within their family. Their belief that they are living according to God's will, blinds them from the awareness of the situation, and how they CULTivate the ever increasing madness that thrives within their family construct.

The desire that I have for them to see that they are the primary cause of their children becoming more violent and abusive, supports this continued existence as myself.
This is a major point within me. Looking on from the outside, self-defined, as having 'no effect' or as 'losing the battle' separates me from the situation, and ensures that I cannot be effective because I have seen myself as 'powerless' within the situation. This breeds frustration within me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to always have an idea of a better situation than here, which only supports that a 'less than' situation/condition continues existing as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to shake my head and tell myself how fucked up they are, instead of realizing that I have separated myself from them by defining me as less fucked up, and them as more fucked up. We are all fucked up equally, and only by me standing within and as them that anything will ever be different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump at the opportunity to define all of the ways that they are fucked up, pointing out the problems, instead of living and realizing that I am already the solution by remaining here within and as the solution as myself as all that I am within self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh at how ridiculous they are, as separate from them, placing myself above them and not realizing that it is oneness and equality as myself as us that I am effective in stopping all abuse.

I am amused at myself for wanting to show everyone my "progress" in process. Saying something like, "hey guys, look at me! Look at how self-honest I am!" Now THAT is comedy. Maybe it is a little redundant to reiterate that that in which I want will flee from me because of the law of polarity. In writing that statement, I have to look at the reason I have wanted to state such a thing. What I see is that there is an attempt by me to horde realizations as knowledge, because of an underlying fear that I must repeat it to myself, lest I forget. In this is the very desire, I just talked about. The desire to remain self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to horde knowledge because I do not trust in me, but instead have put my trust in knowledge and concepts.

I also see a preference to live self-honestly, which is based upon fear of consequences of self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to avoid consequences of self-dishonesty, which is fear of the future, and limits me to within a boundary of self-enslavement.

I am here, and I live this moment here as myself here, and not from within fear of the imaginary.

Specifically, I have wanted to be "cared for". Active encouragement, according to how I have defined it. I've seen times that I have pretended helplessness or incapability in order to get the attention that I have craved for my entire life. I had gotten pretty convincing, because I had even partially convinced myself, and as a result, often got the attention that was sought. Which has been an [awww Lloyd, I'll sacrifice myself for you] type of reaction, wherein, I am the center of attention.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to not be able to stand up for myself because I have wanted to receive attention.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become unaware that I have purposely become "troubled" in order to receive the "nourishment" that I have craved from others.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have craved attention from others because I have not been enough for myself, and in the process of searching have taken myself for granted, and become unaware that I even exist.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have abused myself because I have wanted to play the part of the "poor little victim".

Like when I have been really sick, and the entire family became concerned with my well being. That is exactly what I have wanted from the world. So I have subconsciously sabotaged myself in order to receive this sort of treatment. The Munchausen syndrome.
A subtle way in which I have applied this manipulation tactic is to exaggerate my diligence and or "good-heartedness" to create a "bad" things happening to a "good" person scenario. The depths in which I have become manipulative is staggering. Even to the extent that I became lost in and as the role I was playing, effectively losing me, in order to become a "real" actor, so that my role would be convincing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for comfort from others by playing the victim of tragic circumstance, so that I could "illustrate" to myself that I am loved.

I forgive myself that I have adopted this role of "humanitarian", as myself, to gain the support and sympathy from the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand when I have been capable all along.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent upon the attention and affection of others, to "get me through".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself because I have believed in the image I have defined as being a noble, warm-hearted being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there can exist any lasting comfort in someone or something separate and outside myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that I have created my own suffering, because I have allowed self-interest to direct me toward "more" for me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand here in support of all life equally as one as myself unconditionally.

Unconditionally meaning, unchanging, that which remains unchanged. Myself as unchanged, eternal, never fading, always here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that the caring and nourishment that I have apparently lacked is because I have not assisted and supported myself as equal and one with all beings, but instead from within and as a "me first" existence.

So to take my last post a step further. As illustrated, if I define myself as a victim of circumstance, in any way whatsoever, then a circumstance will manifest in which I am a victim, as according to my definition of being victimized.

Taking another example; desire. If I desire something; I have stated that I am the manifestation of desire. So in order for me to exist as the desire that I have defined as myself, something must be created for me to desire, because desire cannot exist without an object of desire.

This is allowing an idea that there is something else out there, that can actually be attained, direct me. Because I believe it to be true, my expression will be that of 'something is missing'. In which case, something must manifest that I believe that I am missing , because I have become the expression of 'something is missing', so that apparent situation must certainly exist, as according to my perception, because I have played the role of 'something missing', and thus that situation manifests as myself.

Another example is the idea that, "I've finally made it." This implies that I was not always here, and separate from here. So because I have believed that being here is something that was attained, my expression is that of 'having attained' here or separate from here. Therefore I will experience myself as separated, because I had defined myself as 'having made it', which is a definition of me as separate from what is here. Therefore, if I have defined myself, in any way whatsoever, I have separated myself as something limited and definable, and I am manifested as the embodiment and expression of limitation, limited by the idea or definition that I have placed on myself.

I have had an issue with self-importance, and I see it in the concern that I have to be regarded in a certain light. I also see it when I have been apparently not noticed or ignored. I used to fight to get noticed, and that didn't ever work out like I had planned, and so I changed the approach to a 'fuck-off' attitude, and all that got me was a charade that I really don't give a shit anyway. This has been 'preferable' to me because I can pretend to be in the abuser role instead of the victim. But it is the fact that I have chosen to participate in either role, through reacting, that has kept me ensnared by a personality manifestation of the past.

I have taken great offense to what people do "to me", and this reaction just reaffirms to myself and the world that I am defined as 'being treated that way.' Nobody does anything to me. I do it to myself, by my active participation in playing the role of 'having had someone do something to me'.

So if I am playing that role of 'I have been disrespected', then of course, I will encounter situations that I am a victim of disrespect, because I have already declared that I am a victim, both to the world and to myself, through my belief or perception or idea that I have been victimized. In this way, the idea of being disrespected is allowing and accepting the possibility of disrespect to exist, and to continue existing.

Because, in reacting, I have affirmed that I am the definition of 'being disrespected', and in that, I exist as a victim within this world. Therefore, the expression of me is that of a victim of disrespect. In which case, this ensures that more disrespect, as defined by me, will exist, because I have defined myself as 'being a victim'. In order for me to exist as the self-proclaimed 'disrespected', something must manifest in order for me to be victimized, as defined by me. So, by my own definition, I become a manifested channel of disrespect, ushering disrespect into this world, as myself, 'the disrespected'.

I am responsible for the world. I am responsible for me; and what I accept and allow from myself, I also accept and allow to exist within this world as myself.

Perhaps one of the the greatest deceptions of myself is the wanting to know where I am. The desire to be able to say something such as, "I am here, and I have this far to go until I get there." Which, if I look at my life, it has been the exact same chase; an attempt at defining my existence, my meaning, my purpose etc.

It is this singular concept that there must be some purpose to this existence that has created the concepts of happiness, sadness, with, without, and so on. The feeling of emptiness or need has been just the manifested concept of emptiness as myself. All because I have allowed the belief to exist within me that there is such a thing. The want to know, the need to know, the desire to not feel the pain that has manifested as myself, or the desire to hang on to a pleasant experience.

The common point in all of this is self. The illusion that I can actually be away from what is here. It has either been a clinging to a certain experience, or a longing for a different experience. I had not realized that I am here in all of it, and there is not a thing that can be done to ever change that.

It is just an illusion that I need to cling to something, or that I need to strive for something else, because in all of it, there is still only me here. I can neither be lost nor found, because I am eternally here. All searches or clinging is a ridiculous notion that I can be anything or be anywhere else but here. It is the root of all conflict, all suffering, all abuse. I do not participate in such nonsense. I is here.

Because I have been conditioned in this world to be accustomed to certain luxuries, I have become programmed to not care about anything or anyone but myself. From within this perspective, I cannot be effective, because self-interest is my only concern. I am relatively untouched by the horrors that occur, and even when I hear stories and see news of the suffering within this world, it does not noticeably overlap into my world, because I have been separated from it all into my own bubble of awareness in which I have based my actions. My sight has not reached beyond this "I", for everything has been based on this "I's" needs and desires. I am unaware of everything, because I have only allowed my awareness to consist of what has been programmed for me to see.
It all began because of my own willingness in participating in this limited realm of existence, in which I come first, above the rest. This is the nature of thought. Because in my participation in thought, I can only participate in self-interest, because thought is based on a singular perspective; the "I" perspective. As long as I have thoughts, I am limited to the "I" perspective, and no matter how limitless it may seem, it is still limited by the definitions and interpretations that I have accepted as truth. This "I" sees itself as separate, different, special, and is contained within a limited view of its own beliefs. It can only see as far as it has been; the edge of its sight is the edge of its self-concept. So from within this "I" personality, I can never be effective because within it I am limited to a biased view point, in which "I" is central. This "I's" being exists exclusively of and as thought. It is but an imagined self, dependent upon the definitions of itself and the world to remain existing. Just an illusory identity, that requires conflict or desire to exist.
It has been our search for the meaning of life, or God, love, peace, power, money, sex, etc. that this self, otherwise known as mind, receives the energy it needs to exist. When the mind stops, this pseudo-self dissolves, and I, as who really am, remain.