I'm of the impression that it might be necessary for me to be completely alone in this process. Of course, that is the case, but for me to actually live the self honest expression of me, nuclear holocaust and me as the only survivor or something like that comes to mind. Hehe. Or maybe a little less drastic scenario in which I am completely ostracised or abandonned by friends and family. Why would I say such a thing? When I have seen avenues that can be taken in lieu of standing here as myself within self honesty, I have gone down those roads that have allowed me to compromise myself, and in this compromise, I have no self awareness. Self has been the last resort when all else fails. The point that I haven't realised is that self is where it starts and where it ends. I am the origin, but I have not lived within this awareness because there has been nothing to force me to live as such.
I have friends and family to apparently "cure" my loneliness. I have been accepted as the image that I have projected or believed myself to be. If the world suddenly changed and did not accept me as the self dishonest being that I have come to be, then I would have no choice but to live within and as self honesty.
Thoughts of removing myself from society often come up, because from a mind's perspective, it would stand to reason that I would be "alone". I know lots of things from a mind's perspective and yet it does nothing for myself to stand as one and equal with existence. It has been the few times in my life, that I have apparently lost everything that I have been able to live within self forgiveness. It is the mind that tells me that I actually have something to lose.
Janis Joplin in "Bobby McGee" said that "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose", and it is when I have either lost everything or given up everything that I have no choice left.
Which one it will take for me to live as the expression of oneness and equality is a mystery.

I have realisations of myself and automatically, there is an expectation that I should become more stable. But even the idea of stability is only an idea, and the thought of stability implies that there is none within me as who I exist as here. If I were truly stable, then there would be no thought of this stability, but only I would exist as who I am, and definitions would be no more, since all that would exist is simply self. The desire within to gauge my progress, and to look at how far I've apparently gotten is another indication that I look toward a definition of myself to explain who I am. As if to pat myself on the back and say "good job self, you are getting there", also implies that I have no self trust that I exist outside of a defintion of who I believe myself to be. So I breathe and remain here with me and see.
What I see is a being that searches and searches out more defintions in an effort to convince myself that I can be defined in some manner. Because there is a fear within that if I cease to define, then surely I will cease to exist. It has not been enough to see, because from a mind's perspective, there must be more to it than what is seen. There is no defintion here, and the mind cannot be satisfied with the simplicity of oneness.
"Am I doing all that I can do?" Again, just a ploy to send me off searching for something that is already here. I've always been here, but the mind is not interested in self, because self is absolute, which would mean that the mind stops, and I remain.
It is simply amazing that I have waged this battle against an image of myself that I have created to act as myself. I have fought this image as if it is greater than me. But it is only I that has breathed it into existence and have come to believe that it has had life other than the life I have given it.

I have been running from the thoughts that have become me. There is nowhere to hide from all that I am. To run only denies that I exist as such. I have been scared of the thoughts that come up within me because I have separated myself from the thoughts that are me. The thoughts and definitions are not something separate from me. They are me. It is to see the thoughts as myself and to forgive myself that I have limited myself to thoughts and definitions that I have placed myself within and as. It is to embrace all of me and to live within self forgiveness that I have allowed all these things to manifest as myself. I have been running from myself for a long time, and I have realised that I cannot escape. I can only live me as this breath within self honesty of what I see.

What I see as who I am is someone that is deathly scared of realising something about myself that maybe true, but I am unwillingly to see. I have not been self honest with myself and it comes out often when I talk about others' fuck ups. In this pointing out others' dishonesty, I am extremely scared that that is exactly who I am. So it has been my way of hiding from myself the truth of myself. I know myself through and through, but admitting to myself that I am the manifestation of self deceit, will kill the being that I have held so dear. To see that I have not stood as myself, when I believe that I have been doing that, means that I choose self deception and manipulation over self honesty. I fear the hard life, so out of this fear and self interest, I choose the "easy" path. I have chosen to wait until the bitter end to stand as myself, which means that I will not stand as one and equal unless I am forced to do so.
I forgive myself that I have waited for something outside myself to force me to see myself as who I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ego to control my every move.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as who I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as the ego that I have been so scared of losing as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to use excuses to justify not standing as myself as one and equal with all that I am.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see who I am here, through self deception and ego boosting manipulation of myself and the world around me.
I forgive myself that I have believed myself to be a concept of who I think I am in any given moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone in my own process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted the comforting feeling of believing that I am doing what I can to stand one and equal with all.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that even a little self deception is still complete dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am close to a concept of self honesty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to conclude that I am pretty fucking close to being self honest in every moment when I still choose self deception over self honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view self honesty as a concept.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that self honesty is a practice and not an idea.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being self honest some of the time is enough to get me by.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that self honesty here in every moment is self honoring self with self participation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to a comparison of others in their process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to paint a wonderful image of myself as something I'd like to believe of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself existing in and as beyond others in their process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as neither here nor there.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the definition of non existence of self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as fearing going through process "the hard way".
I forgive myself that I have I accepted myself as fearing myself remaining the manifested self that I have become.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be intimate with myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define self intimacy as a lonely existence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to embrace myself, and support myself as who exist as here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to forgive myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as desiring support from others in my own process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run as fast as I can toward self realisation out of fear of a painful existence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I have attacked self honesty from the starting point of fearing the manifestaion of me as self dishonesty.
I breathe.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that I am deathly scared of being alone, and have done everything in my power to convince myself that I am immune to loneliness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I am the manifestaion of loneliness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that hiding loneliness from myself only supresses myself as the loneliness that exists.
I embrace me.
It will all pass, all that I have become through the embracing of myself and the self honesty that remains here as all that I am. All that I am or who I have believed myself to be will pass. For I have become all that I am. Therefore all that I have become shall be undone. It is to embrace me self honestly, and to forgive all that in which I see. For who I am is nothing but a definition of who I believe myself to be. Good, bad, and all polarity that I have defined as myself will pass and I will be left without definition of who I am. Which is exactly what I have feared most. For I exist as a concept of myself and this gives me what I have defined as security. Security that needs constant reasurrance that I exist as who I have believed myself to be. Only when nothing that I have defined myself to be exists, will I truly be here as that in which I exist as indefinitely.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear expressing myself for fear of not living the words I speak.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I am the words I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being held acountable for the words I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to justify not standing as who I am here, because I have justified to myself that it is normal to half ass it.
I forgive myself that have allowed myself to fear being challenged or shown by another that I am deceiving myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to appear to be self honest when I know that I am really just half assing this whole process.
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to fear criticism because I have feared hearing what may be true of myself.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself to see that I run from the loneliness that is me.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that my preference for being alone is just a defense mechanism that originates from the fear of being abandoned.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that it is myself that I have abandoned.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I am punishing myself for the guilt within that I have denied exists.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as not worthy of life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I hide the pain that exists within me from myself.
I forgive myself that I have judged my pain to be weakness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to embrace the pain that I have come to exist as.
I forgive myself that have have allowed myself to hang on to the feeling of happiness out of fear of pain and suffering.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that happiness is just the other end of a cycle that I have allowed myself participate.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that fear of myself has been the directive force that I have called god.
I forgive myself that I have allowed fear of myself to direct me.
I forgive myself that I have not taken responsibility for all that I am.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I have created all that I am.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I have become exactly that in which I have allowed myself to become.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that by embracing myself, I accept responsiblity for all that I have become.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that it is I that have given the directive principle of self away to the manifestations of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that it is all me.
I forgive myself that I have judged myself to be anything.
I forgive myself for running from all that I have created myself to be.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that I am the conflict that I have created myself to be.
I forgive myself that I haven't realised that I am one with the conflict that I have created.
I forgive myself that I haven't unconditionally accepted self as who I am here.
I breathe.

To reassure myself that I am a certain type of being, is lack of self trust. In defining myself to be a certain thing, I have closed the door on all that I am. Looking at the future and all of the outcomes that I see as possible, and what I must do in a particular situation implies that I have no self trust that self remains here under all conditions. For if I already trust myself, then no thought would exist as to how I should behave. I would already be the living self trust here as myself.
In fearing that I may do the "wrong" thing, and ultimately choose to "cover all bases" as the mind, I have already forsaken self trust, to allow the comfort of ideas and concepts to take the place of self trust. Thus, self is never present to face what is here, and self trust will never exist. Until self remains here absolutely, under all circumstances, self trust cannot be proved and remains as a mere concept.
In a sense, at this point, not even self trust exists, because self trust is all that remains. At this point only self remains as one and equal with existence.

I visited Shauna last night. I haven't seen her in many months. Some thoughts try to entertain me with possible future circumstances. There is a desire within me to be in a relationship. There is an idea or concept that would have me believe that it would be so much nicer to have someone that relies on me for affection and also for me to express my affection toward a being. The thought of making someone happy or being someone's sunshine is deeply seeded within and as me. These desires would have me in pursuit of dreams that I have viewed as the good life. Shauna fits the ideas that I have had of what the perfect someone for me entails. This is how I have defined her. I used to believe that she would bring out the best in me, this is a reason that I had fallen for her so hard. I see that the "best" of me is simply me as all that I am here. It was only a personality that I had created to act as I believed I should act. To be seen as a "good" man, honest, sensitive, hard working, caring, strong, confident, loving, expressive, creative, intelligent, masculine, etc. Who I had become was someone that was out to prove that I was all of these things, instead of just remaining here as myself. To convince someone that I am a certain way instead of just being here as all that I am, for all to see.

There is a desire to gain a concept or a definition of who I am. An interpretter that needs to explain the situation. It is in need of endless information in order to come to a definable conclusion. To continually gauge "where" I am in this process. I have found that I allow this movement within to move me. It is to be busy with the concerns that arise, so that self remains inactive and unnoticed. This task master has had me following its every whim, and has sparked my interest in it through curiosity and visions of a "higher" quality life experience. This searching for something different or greater has become my great addiction. I see it throughout every aspect of this existence as myself. What I have seen as a negative or non existent has moved me toward to the flip side to apparently gain what I have not. Which manifests me further as all that is lacking, because I have engaged in an activity that demonstrates how one that lacks something exists.

So sometimes I write...just to write and my blog is the place for me to do that. So apparently there is a conflict within. Mostly, I just type in my blog...but since I was informed that to be involved in PF, I had to post a certain number of posts within a certain amount of time, I feel a need to post my blog there too??? I must admit that it feels like homework or something of the sort. Although I enjoy writing to extract these hidden conflicts within, I have felt no real need to advertise my struggles. As I write these things, I realise that there is so much connected to a mind conscoiusness system, that has prevented my from posting on Desteni. For one, I haven't wanted to clog up the forum with loads of garbage, and endless ramblings about problems that all have the same application of process. Which so happens to be self forgiveness and self honesty and self application. So I have felt it to be redundant in nature to just go blah blah blah blah blah...self forgiveness, self application within self honesty. Is this just self judgment? I also have realised that what exists within, is created and manifested in and of this world as myself. So it is within and as myself that I walk this process. So once again to be blatantly honest, I sometimes say to myself, "I don't get it...why must I do certain things to remain on private forum?" and from a mind perspective, I understand that it is me assisting me, yet the conflict at hand is some sort of construct that feels threatened to be told what to do. Something that I have seen akin to my parents telling me to clean my room, or waking up every morning and going to work at a job that I don't like. Not that I don't enjoy participation, but when it is demanded, an automatic reaction wants to come alive and say "fuck off, I do what I want, when I want, and how I want mutha fucka!" Hahahaha. OMG! These constructs are so deep rooted, and I still view them as who I am. But I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I am a defintion of a "free thinker" or the definition of "one who can't be placed into a box." Hehehe. Such ego have I allowed to have power. I have also found another construct that cannot stand to be told what I already know. This would stem from a fear of misjudgment. Which would really be a desire to be judged as who I have believed myself to be. So supporting this image I have held so dear to me. It is really nonsensical when seen in common sense to want an image of self to act as self or to interact with others as self, while self remains dormant and hidden beneath. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing an image that I have believed to be me to act in place of the self honest expression of who I am here. and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen in a certain light and have loathed being seen in what I have defined as undesireable. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I would clog the forum full of redundant and meaningless ramblings on and on. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to consider how I might be judged if I were to post on Desteni Universe "too" often. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to miss being on private forum. I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to wonder if I will ever qualify for private forum. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I were being forced to do something. God, that's a tough one. I have really grown accustomed to resistance toward those that I have believed are telling me what to do. Man, it is strong within. Its favorite expression is "Fuck off!" Hehe.