Usually I have written in my blog...Anyways, there is this conflict within me that begs to be tended to. Yet I see its influence upon me hasn't the power I used to give it. Self honesty comes more naturally as ego fades into non existence within. I trust in me more each day as I forgive myself for allowing myself to become so self deceitful and judgmental. This morning Lucy dog looked like she had become arthritic over night. She was eating her dog food, and dropped to the ground to eat while lying next to her bowl. She tried standing three or four times, but finished up lying. I was struck with a sadness, to see her so crippled up. On our way to work, scenarios of her death, and the apparent loss of her from my world worked to gather my attention. I surprised myself at my own self awareness and being hereness. There have been times when she had hurt herself in which I was utterly frantic and in emotional turmoil. This personality was lurking to take control and direct the movement of me and I could see it there, titillating its indulgence. So we just enjoyed ourselves together in the truck and said no thanks to the emotional ride. The word "enjoyment" has taken on a rather different meaning than I have previously defined it to be. It's more along the lines of acceptance of here. Not necessarily happy, or any certain thing in particular. A beingness of here.

No more private forum...It is strange, although I enjoy visiting the site, for me to rush and try to get back on doesn't do much for remaining here. As if a support leg has been kicked out from under me, there is a tendency to gain back the leg that I have apparently lost. Where I go from here, I haven't really a clue. Rushing back to desteni isn't necessarily the thing that will support who I am one and equal. Yet running the other way isn't either. So when and if I ever qualify to be on private forum is an unknown. To realise that I am completely alone in my own process is a bittersweet realisation. I can't help but laugh at myself. There is such contradiction within. This simultaneous feeling of rejoice and regret that campaigns for my awareness. To get me to make a move from either point, which of course both lead me to where I already am.

In the moments that I have stood as the self honest expression of who I am, I realise from this that I uphold existence as the self honest expression of myself. Which as it turns out, I have never stood here as myself one and equal with existence because I have never stood as all that I am in every moment. Sometimes, I may have been able to actually stand for a moment, but as I was faced with certain circumstances in which I have stood down, existence of me has been created as one who is dependent upon certain circumstances to exist for me to stand as myself. Really, not standing at all, just moving in and out of self honor. To honor self in standing as self is gifting myself with self presence. To want anything else is dishonor to self. It is to say that self does not exist. That what exists is everything except self. Which is self deceit. So it is created that I become one and equal to self deceit, because that is all that I have ever existed as. If anything exists within, other than self honor, then it creates a world of deception, for it is what I have chosen to exist as. I have manifested myself as the god of self deception, and I have created myself to exist as the creator of this world of deception. Nothing but deception. I have never stood as the self honest expression of myself because I have allowed something other than self honor to exist within. Till I exist exclusively of self honesty will I be one and equal to the existence of self as self honesty. This is when only self remains, and self is expressed in and as oneness and equality with existence.

I dreamt last night that I had lost my truck in a malfunction of a dam or a levy of sorts. The water washed it away and I was left without it. I had no money to get a new one. Upon seeing my family afterwards, they showed me no pity, or even hinted that things would be difficult for me without a vehicle. I wanted to show them that I had no worries. But they showed no worry for me, and in this, I found that I was looking for people to see how courageous I was that I had no worry. Yet, I found that I felt left out or that they had no concern for me, because they already knew that I would make it through this hardship. So I can see that I still wish for people to act a certain way toward me. To baby me, to feel taken care of by them. So point seen and taken. This helplessness that exists within me is something that I have hidden from myself, because of an image that I have wished to believe is me. The image of a no compromise attitude, and that nothing can get me down. An image of courageousness. Yet this is only an image, not actually who I have been living as. I have sought to manipulate with this image that I have projected as myself. To get the people around me to give to me, because I have showed them that I am this image of no compromise. That I will not follow the rules, because I don't compromise myself. Easy to allow myself to believe that that is really who I am. But I see that it has been only an image that I have wished myself to be, and wished for others to see me as this image. This is nothing but desire to enslave others to me. To feel obligated to extend generosity toward me. Such manipulation I have lived as!

I expressed that it would be nice to get rent from Spud on time. Of course he blew up and tried every means to prove that I was wrong for expressing that. If what I express happens to cause someone to react in such a manner, obviously it is how someone chooses to live. So what happens as a result of me expressing myself here, is an unknown factor. If anything is taken into account other than who I am within a particular moment, then it is nothing but looking toward something that I have no control of whatsoever. To censor the self honest expression of who I am in any moment because of how someone may react to what I have to express is suppression of who I am in that moment. If what I express is contemplated and the outcome is weighed against expressing who I am in a moment, then it is no longer who I am, but an idea of what is acceptable for me to exist as. If who I exist as here within self honesty does not agree with those that are in my life, then it may not be suitable for those to be in my life in that moment. To censor the expression of me in any given moment to appease those within my life is an act of self deceit. Furthermore, I deceive all of existence. This is complete nonsense, yet it is the way that I have chosen to live for most of my life. So I have chosen to no longer deceive humanity with a watered down version of who I am. If this conflicts with others emotions or feelings, then it is something that will either be accepted as who one is here or it will be a conflict within themselves that will be dealt with however one chooses to deal with it. It is not I that is to budge as who I am, nor should any other budge as who they are. This is how we can be honest with ourselves within every moment. It is not defending oneself, nor is it in justifying self. It is only in complete self honesty of who one exists as here. It is to see self here. To accept what is seen. To forgive self for allowing self to exist as such. Not to be attached to who one was or is, just an acceptance and forgiveness to allow oneself to live free of any notions of what is right or wrong, or good or bad. Because within trying to change self, one enters into a cycle of ups and downs, and acceptance of self here is never realised.

Those that fear their children's death...We all die, so where does this fear originate? Is it really just their own fear of separation from their children? The emotional bond that many define as love is based upon fear. Fear of loss, fear of emotional turmoil, fear of the future. These things are based upon instability, and teaches their children to also base their lives on nothing of substance. To always pray and do as god would have them do, lest they be cast into outer darkness. All fear based existence. Are we so blind that we cannot see that it is here that we create our existence. If we base our existence here upon fear, then we create a world of fear for us to live in. Who we exist as here is the existence that we manifest for ourselves to live within and as. See self here, because it is as would continue to exist here as long as we are participating as the existence we have chosen to live as here.

Family and friends continue to come up as points that need transcended. Yet I know that I will not be accepted as anything but who they think I am as based upon past images that they have of me. It is understood that we hold onto past events, and relive these moments in our minds in an attempt at defining the world and people of this world. It is to define ourselves as a concept or idea so that we may feel as if we understand something of ourselves. We look at the actions of other beings to define the why of their actions. It is nothing but an effort to explain our own existence here. We believe that knowing why a person does something will help us explain ourselves. Yet when something or someone cannot be defined, our mind jumps to conclusions so that we feel comforted that we still understand something of this existence. It is generally not accepted that everything cannot be explained and defined. Often when beings fail to make sense of something, they will follow an idea of the mind and tell themselves that they understand so that the world in which they have believed in, may still exist as they have believed. Otherwise, the alternative would be to admit that they actually know nothing of this existence. This brings points of fear to the forefront, which is generally avoided at all costs. It is self as self exists here that so many of us have feared seeing. So instead we have listened to the mind's definition of self, not actually seeing self, but choosing deception and illusion so that we may feel in control.

It is only when one is willing to see self here as all that self exists as here that one may see self. In seeing self within and as self honesty, one sees also the existence of all things as they exist here. Not just a mere fabrication of the mind, but seeing as things actually exist here. Each must do this of themselves. It is dedication to self, to no longer base understanding upon past knowledge, but a willingness to see what actually is. It is without judgment, or definitions. Only seeing what is here. There is no need to explain or make sense of it. It is simply accepted as what is here.

The dedication to myself to remain here as myself in every moment of every breath. Seems like a daunting task. But is there anything else that is of any value? To allow polarity to pull me around in all directions that lead nowhere but away from who I am here is existence as a slave to the mind. It may take years or lifetimes to remain here in every moment, but is there anything else that has precendence over self honor? To allow oneself to be pulled in all directions is suppression of self here. It reduces self to a voiceless expressionless being that does not stand as self, but exists as not existing as self. In this there is no self, only fabrications of illusion and all that is not here. It is common sense to see that in remaining self here, self gives all that exists here to self. Giving up the things that we have for so long believed holds the key to our happiness, grants us ourself in entirety. In this we inherit existence as self here. The illusion that we actually give something up is complete nonsense. For self does not exist, until self is here. To think that we give ourselves a treat by indulging in desires of the mind is to ignore self as the self honest expression in which one actually lives for the first time in existence. To think that that is treating oneself to something of any value is self deceit. A raping of self by self to remain enslaved to an existence of suppression and betrayal.

The egomaniacal image of self that has existed as me, has fooled me of my own accord. I have allowed this to continue because I have believed that I will somehow become greater than me. It is the logic of greed within that I will somehow have gained something for nothing. Yet the price of this is nothing short of discardment of my entire self in return for a fading existence. To exist as unstability and unsubstantiality. To hide beneath mountains of images and desires until self is longer aware that self even exists, but as smoke and mirrors. It is only to stand as self here in every moment within self honesty and self forgiveness of what one sees. It is to remain here as self that allows uncompromising honor unto self to exist here as one and equal to the self honest expression of existence as self.

The many things to be transcended are to be transcended here. It is in taking this moment and living here as this moment takes place. The ideas of so many points to face and so far to go continue to attempt to discourage me to just give up because of a mountain of an idea that is to be faced. Things appear unmanageable if seen as a mountain. Yet this moment here can be dealt with here as who I am in this moment within and as self forgiveness and acceptance that it is I that have allowed myself to become this attrocity through my own participation within and as polarity. Allowing myself to be moved by ideas of moving toward something better or away from something that I have been in fear of becoming or some desparate attempt at convincing myself that I am different than who I have allowed myself to be.

The portal has closed today, and I wondered at the difficulty for me ahead. Yet I know it is in remaining here that will see me through whatever should confront me. It is these ideas that I am giving something of worth up for a life of hardship and sacrafice. The sex system in particular lingers within me, just waiting for a moment that I will yield to the power I have allowed to control the movement of myself. The desire to be in a relationship confronted me earlier today. All the things that still exist within, continue to approach me with ideas of something better. To face each and every one of these points within is inevitable for each of us to face until only self remains. To wish that I didn't have to face the things that I have allowed to exist within is an absolute waste of life here. As I know it is within facing these things that I am able to realise myself as self trust. This is the only way. I have allowed it, and now it is time to face all that I have become. To forgive myself for allowing such things to exist within and as myself. Forgiving those that are so lost in their own self deception is also a way in which I may stand as myself as one and equal to existence. There is a self righteousness within that jumps up every so often that I have chosen to exist within and as judgment of the existence that they have chosen to be one and equal to. This is all tied to comparing myself to others. The desire within to be greater than everybody, which is nothing short of the desire to be the owner and master of existence. The desire to be worshipped and praised and loved and desired. These desires have been the design of my enslavement by my own choice in allowing these desires to exist within. By nurturing them until they have become one and equal with myself. So it is through self forgiveness that I may release myself from the desires that I have protected as myself. The very thing I have defended so dearly, has been the enslavement that I have chosen to allow.

Feeling tired and bored of the things that I do only distracts from who is here. It is here that life is. Seeing others continue to protect the images and ideas that they have defined as self has indeed turned me into a frustrated being. Also, another distraction of who I am here. It is here that I live. It is I that lives here. It is I that exist as I choose the being that exists here. The choice is self honesty here or all of the myriads of ways of being that exist in so many faces of self deception. One choice. Self honesty. It is either awareness of the self honesty that exists as I exist here or there is no self awareness, but only deception of self by allowance of something other than self as self honest awareness of self.