This relationship thingy; the desire to be desired and be treated as the most important thing on the planet is so ingrained. I see it within almost every thought that comes up. It's a desire to cultivate others' opinions and ideas of me; which is an attempt to give myself worth, according to the world's view of worth.

Buying into the idea that opinions are real and have real worth.


Really, I've seen potential relationships with beings at Desteni as being more important than the process of self-realization. It is almost comical that I didn't catch it from the start, but honestly, I put too much value into the prospect of having 'real' friends, to realize what I was actually doing.

So I find myself in what I see as a sort of paradox; I want support, but with support, I find that if I am not aware, that the "relationship potential construct" is activated and process takes a back seat, while presenting self as "worthy" becomes the main focus.

I've previously recognized that I was creating a codependent relationship with my sister, a few years ago, in which I could call her up and she would "be there" for me to talk about how difficult it was to be me.
It gave both of us a sense of worth. Her for "being there" and me for being a "deep, sensitive, introspective" person. Obviously, that same system is still in place.

Relationships based upon the image that I have wished to portray unto the world. This is at the core of the self-judgment construct. A constant monitoring of "status" within the relationship goes hand in hand with self-judgment.

For instance, if I were learning to walk, and someone was there to assist me in learning to walk, then walking would take a back seat, because having someone there to support me would be given more value than actually walking.

So this "learning time" becomes my modus operandi, and actually walking is something that will never happen, because it is a closed loop, and 'walking' is not a part of the loop. Actually walking would imply that "learning time" is over, which translates to the end of a relationship. This whole construct is based upon building and maintaining realtionships, and within that construct, I will never walk, because I am not willing to "give up" on the relationship in order to do so.

Who I am here has been totally disregarded because what I 'have' or 'don't have' has held my attention instead.

I have been stuck within a mechanism of 'building' relationships, instead of realizing that I am here. A relationship is built in order to illicit a particular set pattern of behavior.
The type of relationship I've tried to illicit from Desteni is an "acceptance."

That is why I have sought to prove that I "understand"; that I'm "on board", so that I could get the ' "oh yeah, he understands-he's one us us"-response; or to prove that I am at a 'certain' place within process. To get an approval nod. To be part of an inner circle. So that I may get special treatment as an insider.

As if to say, "hey, look at me! Aren't you proud of me? Aren't you amazed at how well I'm doing, and how much I understand?"

This relationship with Desteni started almost immediately. Just as a relationship starts, I was excited to have found people that were talking about things that interested me. REAL things. I knew how "special" Desteni is, and so I pursued 'clinching' the rare gem. So securing a 'relationship' was my main concern, and 'who I am here' was "lost" within the attention given to the 'relationship', instead.

Today I was deliberately exposing myself in an imaginary. transition phase/shuffling phase in which I am trying to "find" myself. It is an effective way to remain here. I've been ignoring the shuffling phase, because I saw it as the distance that must be traveled to arrive at my destination.

Instead of seeing that I am already here. There is never anywhere to 'get to'. Nor any way to 'be', because I am already 'that' in which I am here, the only way that I can direct what is here, is to, first, be what is here. That is common sense.

If I cannot even direct this being here, then I am just along for the ride with no direction of my own will.

There is an existing tendency within to allow myself to be led by an idea of what I believe to be a "correct" way of being. Although, there is a "perfect" way of being, it is not limited to what a mind believes it to be.

That is comparing myself to myself: referencing a past idea of myself and applying that knowledge as myself toward the situation, to "know" how to act because I have bound myself to cling to something that does not exist, nor does it apply to here.

Like for instance today, I found myself falling into a habit of doing just that, when I saw Bill today, and I found myself having a need to impress him. I realized I was doing this, but I reacted again to almost make it a point to not fall into holding up a personality.

It was like I faulted myself, instead of just forgiving myself, and flowing into the moment. "Not trying" is the same clinging to the past, of which does not exist. Like saying to myself, "Shit, I fucked up, oh fuck why did I have to go and blow the image that I was building with this guy."

There is a particular way that I wish to be perceived, and that idea is what holds me to the past. It is regretting what I did, instead of just living the consequence, and moving through it, within this moment, anew. I mean how I should act? How could one "know" how to act. That is agreeing to walk in this particular fashion, which is all based upon the past. And IT DOES NOT EXIST, anywhere. Certainly not not here. Only the present is here.

Nor does the future exist, there is only HERE. I have planned far in advance for possible situations, and from a starting point of fearing a memory of the past, so that I can be prepared, so to speak. That makes my "here" somewhere else, and "here" is never actually lived, only prepared for.

It is HERE. That's it. I mean, how could I feel "strange"? I'm already who I am. In relation to what? There is only here, and I am that here. Simplicity. One.

Specifically for me, it has been gaining another's approval. If I do not have another's approval, what can I do, about it? There is only here, and i AM here.

I've been having many excuses come up as to why SRA conflicts with writing in my blog. Because I view it as a "pain in the ass", and it reminds of work or school. It's like a running out of enthusiasm, which indicates that I had moved from a point of energy, and energy fades and is not eternally stable. I have insisted on holding 'something' together. Something that must be continually "reassured" and recalibrated, readjusted, re energized to fit the mold that I have created for myself to live up to. Striving to be "me", instead of realizing that I am already.

The search or striving to become something before one is even aware of what this being here IS within this very moment. Striving cannot last, and is an existence that fades or diminishes, and therefore not eternal.

The belief that there is "something' that must be fed or satisfied in order to remain existing. I am already existing. The question is what do I exist as HERE? Must it be fed in order to remain existing? The fear is that I will not exist unless I am searching for who I am. Yet, I am still here, existing as what it is that I am in and of participation.

If that participation is energetic, then it is temporary, and a mere judgment of what it is that I should or shouldn't be. A ridiculous notion, because the fact is that I AM what I am, and judgment is a meaningless measurement within and as eternity. Who I AM is reality. Eternity existing as itself.

At a basic level, I had decided that 'killing' is a worthwhile experience, for the experience alone. By considering my own interests above the consequences that my actions would inflict upon other beings within existence; and not realizing that I am existence, itself. 'Killing' by self-interest is my vote that existence should exist as what I am promoting existence to be. If it is self-interest, then that is the vote that is cast.

Of course there is a vote as to how existence exists within each and every moment, and that is the ONLY "real" that exists. REAL what? is the question.

Real hiding? Real searching? Real punishing? Real fearing? Real scheming? Real clinging? If it requires energy, then cannot be eternal. That's why movement within indicates that a being (in reality) is existing as a being that cannot stand the test of "time", and therefore, will one day 'not exist'.

According to the Bible, God knows the beginning from the end. Therefore, he knows the ultimate fate of every being within existence, from the very moment that he created each being. So if God is the creator of existence, then he also created his fallen angel, Satan, knowing from the moment that he created him, that he would become the deceiver, and that he would be destined to spend eternity in hell.
That in itself, proves that God is not the benevolent being that he claims to be. This is a being that he created according to God's will.

God doesn't just experiment, God is Omniscient. Therefore, he knows every last detail of every bit of existence instantaneously, constantly, eternally. If there exists a god at all, then God IS existence, itself.
As separate from existence/God, a being cannot direct existence from outside of existence/God. As God/existence, each of us is 'being' according to that in which one participates.

It is a statement of I, as existence, stand for what I stand for HERE. That vote is made within each moment. as reality unfolds as 'the participant' in and as reality. The eternal consequences of each vote is what we represent in which we stand for and as.

One can see the eventual fate of every action and the outflow of each action upon existence, one only has to see self, self-honestly and what it is that "I" stand for; and that means that I am standing for what "I" am here, and that is my vote for what existence IS, and remains as.

Fear of death, and what exactly is it that I have an opportunity to apply myself as who I would be "content" or "satisfied" in that I am standing as myself within awareness that if I die, I stands as life, for life, and of life. Otherwise, I've never actually lived.

Do I allow myself to live and allow others to live as who we actually are? Or do I attempt to quantify infinity? Existence itself?=Its meaningless. There's nothing to measure; it's all here.

We are existence itself. Experiencing itself as itself. That is the point. It is up to us to realize that existence is responsible for existence, and what we allow as ourselves to exist as, within existence.

If we do not realize that we are consuming ourselves, as existence exists, eventually there will be nothing left to consume. That which is of actual substance; depleted, because if I stand for and as 'depletion' as who I am, then something must be depleted.

It is required to stand for and as all that is eternal. That which cannot be depleted. That which is absolutely stable. Not reaching for a higher state, because there exist no "higher". There exist all that exist within existence here. Measurement/judgment is, itself, the only limitation within existence.

What meaning does a measurement within eternity have? Can it have any meaning whatsoever, considering that existence, in its entirety, exist eternally, simultaneously in all directions. It is all indescribable, undefinable, and cannot be understood through and as a definition limited to a description from within a limited vantage point.
Judgment/measurement is delusion.