I have met these people on the Desteni forum, and I find that I often seek their approval, because I judge myself on how I might be perceived by others. In the last month, I have participated on the forum less and less. There are numerous reasons for this decline, but much of it is because I have formed relationships with the people there and a personality has formed from it all. I have so desperately wanted friends that I can latch onto in my life, and to be liked and appreciated for being me. But herein lies the problem, where I have wanted to reach out to people, and it is mostly just reaching out because I have believed I needed people to express myself properly. To be seen and noticed has been the agenda for as long as I can remember.

I can't say that I have purposely moved away, it has just been what I have been doing. My starting point in all of this has become blurred, and my questing for whatever it is that I have constantly sought and tried to attain has taken a toll, because I have been allowing energy to move me, and that is not who I am. There is a feeling within me that wishes to explain myself, to prepare others for me and what I might next do, and this is exactly what I have been doing for my entire life. As if I need permission to be me. To explain so that I am understood. That way I have a hall pass and I am in the clear to be me.

Of course I don't need an excuse or an explanation of why I am doing what I am doing, but that has been my tendency. I have gotten a little tired of trying to lead people to the truth, when I don't even apply the truth of myself in every moment. Talk is cheap if it is only knowledge. Knowing it and not applying it is perhaps worse than ignorance. Which is really what I have been doing. Posting on the forum and You Tube has been largely about proclaiming that I know, or to get an attaboy.

I see that we all go through this process, and all have the same issues in which to deal, and I know that the answer is all right here. The forum has for me has been about expressing myself to an audience, wherein I have become a performer. So similar to playing music has been for me, I have wanted to be seen and heard. It has been just another outlet for me to attempt definition of who I am. What will it take for me to stand here as myself as all that I am?

To be here alone with myself, I have no choice, and all that I see is me. It's funny that there is an immediate response from my mind that wishes to say goodbye or explain why I might not participate much anymore, just so that I may justify or excuse myself, so that people don't get the "wrong" impression. My mind is so deliberately self-defeating, even comical.

I ordered 5 chickens today. They are straight run speckled sussexes. I have been enjoying the eggs from the 3 chickens already here, and taking care of them. Still, I find that I live in the past and future, rather than just being here. I have become so conditioned to live in an imaginary world that does not exist, and my attention wavers from what is here into fears and concerns that are not present.

Emotions emerge and I know that the feelings can be treated by numerous outlets. But these treatments are only treatments, and do nothing to address the source of the emotions. The pursuit of fixing the problem has only taken my attention from myself, and the search takes over so that I am narrowly aware that I even exist any longer. This forgetting myself is something of an addiction. Because I have desired to rid myself of the experience that I allowed in the first place, and because the search takes me away from it, I become enthralled with the search and the outcome of the search, and totally lose sight of myself here. To forget or to be unaware of myself has been my goal. I have wished that I did not have to exist as I do. Because I have wished for this, it means that I have become this wishing, and from this wishing, it must be that situations are manifested that I must wish for something else, because I am that in which I participate. So the cycle continues because I start the cycle once again by desiring something other than myself here. It is clear that it is not the circumstance that causes the cycle, but my participation in wanting more or something different than what is here.

The need or want for others to empathize with me in my situation keeps me searching outside myself for comfort and understanding. It is because I have not wanted to take responsibility for the way I experience myself. For me to blame the circumstance, and say that I am justified in feeling or thinking a certain way, because it excusable due to my situation and how I see the world.

From the perspective of who I am, I see that I have a certain placement, in that I pertain to all equally insignificantly. This, of course is a limited view, because it is seen as from within a construct of time. In this world I have equated others that make a difference of great magnitude in a short amount of time of having great impact upon the world. Therefore giving more worth to those that actually appear to be making a noticeable difference.

As far as I see, I make subtle changes that have no noticeable effect upon the world, because I have seen the world from within a bubble of time, and the effect within a given time frame. I have wished to be one that is a world shaker, and it has not ever been. Because of this I have believed that I have fallen short, or that I must increase myself until the world notices me as a force to be reckoned. This has been my life long struggle. I have never embraced a behind the scenes placement, because I have not been recognized as a main player in this world. Obviously this is an ego desire or hope that I may be seen as something magnificent.

In realizing this, I have once again wanted to be recognized as one behind the scenes that does not care about being noticed. But the reality is that I have so much wanted to be be seen and noticed as a humble servant of existence. Strange as it may seem, that in which I desire may already be that in which I am, yet I have not accepted myself, because I have so wished for me to be noticed as such a being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish to be noticed as an image of humbleness and someone that does not care for notoriety.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish to be seen as anything other than who it is that others see me as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect some reward or award because I have been who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be awed because I am who I am.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am who I am, and that I have not chosen this, but it is simply who I am. It is not some achievement to be me, it is just what happens to be me.

Today, I was talking about how we force our personality upon people in order to prove we are a certain way or being, and the ridiculousness of such and act. My cousin stated that he isn't like that, which only proved that he is exactly like that because he was doing exactly as he had said he doesn't do. Later he attempted to prove he was right and I was wrong about a method of putting up siding. Once again, doing exactly as he has said he does not do.

I must admit I allowed myself to become annoyed at such actions. Seeing the dishonesty within a person has been difficult for me to not react with various degrees of annoyance. Which in all honesty is only self-abuse. For me to allow myself to allow my actions to be directed by the circumstance is giving away any directive action to something outside of me, and in this I become a slave to circumstance to tell me how to act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the dishonesty of other people, by becoming annoyed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to see that I am right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the one that shows others how wrong they have been.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that beings will finally see who they actually are, because in this I have accepted myself to be the hope that there is something more than who I am here.

The future is such a mind fuck, as if I would actually make a difference in who I exist as here. Like as if in some magical way that I would all of a sudden transform into some glorious being other than who I am.

I have looked for a savior of myself, to absolve myself from that in which I have allowed myself to become. For someone to fix that in which I am...I exist as me because I have allowed it. There is no mistake about that. Because I have been the origin of what is allowed within me to exist, it is only I that has any say so in who it is that I become.

If I base my starting point on any knowledge, then I am bound by that knowledge in which I have based my actions. Which inherently is bound to that knowledge. Knowledge is limitation, because it is based upon rules and is never a fresh starting point. It is already tainted with something other than what is here. Concepts and ideas of what it means to live "right". In this, there is no self-trust because trust is contingent upon that in which I have accepted as truth. Which in reality is a past event, and has no spontaneity of life, but only a concept or an idea of what life is, or what it is that life is contained within. Life is all encompassing, and permeates every fiber in existence.

It is that in which I give life to that allows life to exist as it does. All energy that is allowed within existence is an energy that life has allowed to exist. Energy is the destruction of life. For how can energy exist if there is not already something in which to consume? Yes. it changes into another form of matter. But is our existence of mere consuming and transfer of what already is into another state of existence? Must what IS continuously transform to be alive, or is matter already itself alive? Does it take a process of consuming to prove life's existence? Can life be consumed? Only if the expression of life is consumption. In which case, all will be consumed and life will cease to exist, except for the expression of consumption.

We have lived to consume, for thousands of years, because what has existed has not been enough. The thought of no longer existing has kept us bound to consuming, out of fear of no longer existing. Thus our expression has been that of consumption, and not life at all. We have been destruction of life, yet life continues to exist. We have feared that if we do not consume ourselves, then we shall cease to exist. In this, we have never lived, because we have chosen death as our expression of life. Fear of death as our expression of life. Never have we chosen ourselves as life, as the origin of life. We have been all except what life is.