Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I put Lucy Goose down today. When she was being injected with the death cocktail, there was a moment that experienced an incredible outflow of emotion. I just said her name, "Lucy Goose" as her body went limp. I find that I am still reacting to that event, because I have been reliving the memory of that moment. I see that being, me, in that situation of such torment, that I cry every time it is relived. The sound of my voice in those moments was, for a lack of a better word, "beautiful", real. Something I haven't heard from myself with very much frequency. Utterly honest as myself, the pain, the attachment, the regret, everything at once. To see a being in such a way is heart-wrenching. Thus an empathy for that being is being experienced here. Yet it is a past event to which I am reacting, and who I am here has been taking a back seat, because of my focus on that being in the clinic.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to continuously relive my experience in the veterinary clinic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attached to the being in the clinic.

Another point I have seen is that I see from the others' in the room point of view. Especially Amanda. Seeing her seeing my pain and the affection I had for Lucy. For her to know that I was experiencing much pain, and to know that much of the pain she felt was because she saw me in so much pain, also letting her see the affection I had for Lucy. So to know that one can be so empathetic toward me is much of the emotion that I have been experiencing. In a sense a oneness of beings. A caring for that in which we all experience. Us together as one.

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