We talk of the outcome and how we believe that we must live a certain way in order to achieve a certain outcome. But in living and seeing the world from this perspective we fail to recognize that the outcome is already here. That it moves in reverse. From the outcome, which is already here.

Cause and effect. Or more accurately, effect and cause. Because we have lived the effect of desiring more, from the starting point of what could be here instead of what is actually here, it causes us to live as if we are lacking that in which we believed we have lacked. Not living effectively, but living causally.

It is mind boggling to realize that that in which we have so desperately desired is the actual cause of our perpetual desire that continuously manifests. To live here effectively is to realize that I am the effect of all that I have lived.

To live the effect of oneness and equality, is to be oneness and equality, and brings oneness and equality here. It is not about bringing about oneness and equality by persuading the world to live as such, but to live here as if it already exists here. Otherwise, how could a world in which everything is here for all ever exist if we live as if something else must be achieved? If we all live as if there is something that is lacking, then of course, we create a situation in which something is apparently lacking. Thus the world becomes the expression of lack because we have lived as if there could be more than what actually exists. This is the essence of polarity. All because we have believed that there is more than what already exists here.

The starting point must be absolutely clear that it is here in which existence exists. That I live here because here is where I exist. There is no motive. There is only life here; the expression of who I am here.

This existence that is me and the experience of myself is eternally here as how I allow myself to exist. This means that every process within me that I allow to take place will play itself out to an end. If the process is one of self-dishonesty, then I create myself and the world around me to exist as the manifestation of dishonesty as myself. Any anxiousness, or any energy for that matter is a process that must find its resolve. If it can fluctuate, then it is a polarity manifestation. That which is constant, remains constant. It is this constant that does not change. It is this constant, that is eternally me, that remains under all circumstance. Because the mind is not constant, it cannot remain here. Self-honesty has no mind, because self is self, thus nothing can exist, but that in which I am here. But I have not proved to myself that I remain, because of the processes I allow within myself. I have not become the eternal constant within, and without because I still fluctuate between this and that.

I've talked about sadness and how it appears that when I have been sad, that an empathy or caring for existence comes easy. It is not dependent upon sadness, however, but this is just how I have come to experience it. But from this sadness, I have found that I have become much more open to myself as a gentle being, that wishes no harm on another. A oneness of us all to support us all equally as the expression of ourselves as life and the support of life's essence. It is as if I have had no energy left, and I have only given up on anything that does not pertain to this moment, and not tried to be anything other than the being I have existed as.

This is key. The taking of this moment as who I am here and directing from here. All ideas forsaken, to live here as this moment of myself. The deletion of self-interested behavior, and a supportive nature of us all as who we really are, as that in which is common to us all. An unshakable stability that IS life. Nothing added, nor nothing omitted. I can touch it, yet I have not proved to myself that that is who I am, or who we are. Because I have separated myself from this as a separate part of me that must be accessed beneath a pile of shit, which is all that in which I have wished to become.

So herein lies the "problem" as who I am. I have wanted to change myself., and in so doing it comes from a point that is related to the past. Change, according to what? Different than before? How can it possible for me to change who I am, if I am starting from a point of "who I am"? It makes no sense for me to start from a point of an idea of who I have believed myself to be and go from there. Because within that I am already declaring that I am who I used to be.

So, by making statements that I will be different next time implies that I will be different in relation to who I was. This still binds me to who I was, and I can never start from here from this point here. I direct myself here, and there is no other way. I am who I am, and I can only be who I am, because who I am already exists as who I am. I can only stop who I have been by being who I am here. to bring into consciousness who I have been only holds me here as who I have been. Thus, in this I never am aware of me here, but only who I have been, and the relationship to that being. Tied and bound to that existence because I have allowed the memory of "me" to continue as me.

Also from a future projection of me, I have already given up on who I am, and have bound myself to a condition or circumstance that I will act a certain way when that circumstance is here for me to act a certain way. From this starting point, it is obvious to see that I will never act here, but only as an idea of how I should act in a given circumstance. This is according to the knowledge I have gained from the past, as to how I should act in the future, which still binds me to the past being that I have begun my journey to not be who I have been. Still the same starting point as from who I used to be. This clinging to the past idea of who I am, based upon the past, which no longer exists, except within the ideas that I have believed myself to be, which is only based on the idea that I have held as myself, which is only an idea that I have equated with who I am here.

If I exist in this way, then I exist only as an idea, and who I am is nil, because who I really am here is unseen because all I see is what used to exist. An idea. Not a real manifested being here as who I am, but a mere concept which does not truly exist at all, except within the idea that I have believed is myself.

I put Lucy Goose down today. When she was being injected with the death cocktail, there was a moment that experienced an incredible outflow of emotion. I just said her name, "Lucy Goose" as her body went limp. I find that I am still reacting to that event, because I have been reliving the memory of that moment. I see that being, me, in that situation of such torment, that I cry every time it is relived. The sound of my voice in those moments was, for a lack of a better word, "beautiful", real. Something I haven't heard from myself with very much frequency. Utterly honest as myself, the pain, the attachment, the regret, everything at once. To see a being in such a way is heart-wrenching. Thus an empathy for that being is being experienced here. Yet it is a past event to which I am reacting, and who I am here has been taking a back seat, because of my focus on that being in the clinic.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to continuously relive my experience in the veterinary clinic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attached to the being in the clinic.

Another point I have seen is that I see from the others' in the room point of view. Especially Amanda. Seeing her seeing my pain and the affection I had for Lucy. For her to know that I was experiencing much pain, and to know that much of the pain she felt was because she saw me in so much pain, also letting her see the affection I had for Lucy. So to know that one can be so empathetic toward me is much of the emotion that I have been experiencing. In a sense a oneness of beings. A caring for that in which we all experience. Us together as one.

The origin of me. What originates from within me is all that I am here. It is an absolute expression of who I exist as. To become aware of myself as all that I exist as here and to embrace that and forgive that in which I become aware and be born anew, without ties to that in which I have been. To begin a new life here. To stand as myself as the expression and support of myself and existence as the actual manifestation of all life. To be the actual origin of life in support of all life one and equal to life as myself here.

For all that I am here is all that is created from within myself and within the world. If this self is self-serving and self-interested, then separation is created within and as myself within this world. It is to be willing to stand as myself as life as all one and equal to life as the self-honest expression of myself here. When I am aware that I serve a portion of this existence above another, I stop. I forgive me, and move from here as all that I am within self-honesty. Not for a certain lovely experience of myself or some experience that would serve this being above another. But to serve myself as all one and equal. It is who I am that creates what is here and if this being serves one more than another, then polarity is involved and thus equality of life is compromised because one is deemed more important than another. The reality of me here is what I must be willing to see and face and apply the necessary action that stands for equality and oneness of all beings within existence.

It is a hard pill to swallow that I must give up my own comfort and my accepted way of life for all to realize oneness and equality. Yet it is absolutely necessary in order for this world to become all supporting and all loving of itself. I know, as does everybody know, exactly what one allows to occur within. It is our own allowance of ourselves to compromise existence in order to make this experience of ourselves more enjoyable from within this small scope of experience as myself.

From within what must emanate is that in which supports us all equally in every moment here. This is of utmost importance. To forsake this point of view as myself, and to see the bigger picture as myself as all life within existence. The truth of me. The absolute reality of that which is created here as who I exist as here within each moment of breath as myself. It is me for life, for myself as one being. As one entity. The origin of life here. Unless I am the origin itself, that supports us all equally as one, then I destroy us all, because I am that which exists in support of us all as who I exist as here.