The point that comes up is Desteni. Like I've been testing the waters, and haven't decided on getting in, and actually swimming and immersing myself within and as process.

It is within the current relationship in which I have defined, that holds me back. I've been lacking self-trust because I have not stood like I believed I would. From a mind's perspective is born self-deceit.

I've been hesitant to express exactly who I am here because a fear of backlash. I already have the tools available to stand.

There is such a huge resistance to expressing, out of fear of shame and fear of failure.

I must prove to myself that I can be trusted, in whatever way is the most efficient way for that to be real as myself. To walk through this process for myself.

I've found for me that it has been ineffective to first say what my intentions are. Because that often implies that I am in an imaginary future within the mind. Therefore, already failing to live up to the original intention. Like in the case of me trying to walk process, and claiming or implying that now I'm going to really start process with fervor.

To start process implies that I am not already engaged in process.

The things that I have wanted to happen with regards to my relationship with desteni has not played out like the movie in my head. I was looking for something more idealistic than what has been occuring, and this is the background interpretation of reality that has become part of my being.

So there is an underlying disappointment and unsatisfied existence, because I've been completely distracted by the imaginary relationships that I attempt to cultivate and preserve.

One could say that I fear being rejected for not standing as the words I speak. Because, thus far, I have not proved to myself that I can stand or that I even have the will to stand; and that is key to being effective within process.

The key to standing? Stand. Self-trust is inevitable if one keeps standing.

I heard someone say to put others first before yourself. How about put everyone first instead?

As I started this blog entry, I realized that the reason that I wanted to write, was to "gather evidence" in an attempt to become well versed and be able to present common sense points, accurately and precisely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "be careful" about how I present a point.

If it is best for everyone involved, then any objections will be from those that are deluded. So being "careful" will only present to the world, reality, which is that I am "carefully"
maneuvering. Not "natural". Unreal, and therefore also deluded, because I can only see what I am presenting, and not what I actually am.

I have often come to write in order to capture a realization or certain "truths" that can be counted upon as valid information. And it is just that. Information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to collect information, with an intent to present it as information at a later time, to persuade another into seeing what is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what is real needs to be presented in a certain manner, such as coaxing someone into seeing reality.

What is real already stands as what is real. If one cannot already see what is real, then it is very unlikely that it can be explained anyway. Not coaxing. But living within and as this reality, here within every moment.

Can reality really be explained to someone? A ridiculous notion, to those who already manufacture another world in which is only "real" to them.

Likewise, if I do not represent what is real, then it is impossible to convey any "message of reality." Duh.

Really, one can only see for oneself, and then do what is necessary to be done. That IS the message. What it is that I am here. That is the only message that I can ever communicate. The message is me. Hehehehe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the pattern of thinking that I must fix the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn away from who I am here, and focus on what is out there, and apparently needs "fixing", according to the pattern that I have established for myself as myself.

I don't 'really' want "the search" to be over. An automated drive to find out what is happening, even though there is nothing to find out. I have not been able to accept that there is nowhere but here. Even though there is an actual world here in which to interact, the pattern has been to search for everything that does not exist here.





When put it that context, its an absolutely pointless pursuit; it can never be realized, because the nature of its "existence" is that it does not exist.

This relationship thingy; the desire to be desired and be treated as the most important thing on the planet is so ingrained. I see it within almost every thought that comes up. It's a desire to cultivate others' opinions and ideas of me; which is an attempt to give myself worth, according to the world's view of worth.

Buying into the idea that opinions are real and have real worth.


Really, I've seen potential relationships with beings at Desteni as being more important than the process of self-realization. It is almost comical that I didn't catch it from the start, but honestly, I put too much value into the prospect of having 'real' friends, to realize what I was actually doing.

So I find myself in what I see as a sort of paradox; I want support, but with support, I find that if I am not aware, that the "relationship potential construct" is activated and process takes a back seat, while presenting self as "worthy" becomes the main focus.

I've previously recognized that I was creating a codependent relationship with my sister, a few years ago, in which I could call her up and she would "be there" for me to talk about how difficult it was to be me.
It gave both of us a sense of worth. Her for "being there" and me for being a "deep, sensitive, introspective" person. Obviously, that same system is still in place.

Relationships based upon the image that I have wished to portray unto the world. This is at the core of the self-judgment construct. A constant monitoring of "status" within the relationship goes hand in hand with self-judgment.

For instance, if I were learning to walk, and someone was there to assist me in learning to walk, then walking would take a back seat, because having someone there to support me would be given more value than actually walking.

So this "learning time" becomes my modus operandi, and actually walking is something that will never happen, because it is a closed loop, and 'walking' is not a part of the loop. Actually walking would imply that "learning time" is over, which translates to the end of a relationship. This whole construct is based upon building and maintaining realtionships, and within that construct, I will never walk, because I am not willing to "give up" on the relationship in order to do so.

Who I am here has been totally disregarded because what I 'have' or 'don't have' has held my attention instead.