There is a point or belief or definition/judgment that I am more able to express myself honestly to women/girls. The "sensitive" me anyway. That which I have normally hidden from the world. There is an expression that I have believed requires a females presence in order to express that which I believe I am in short supply. Myself, that which I have not done for me is allowing myself to be intimate with me. At least partly because of the "negative" things that I would have to confront, from a self-definition perspective. I would have to admit that I am not the image that I have portrayed myself to be. That I am simply here as all that I am. It is humbling, yet I rid myself of carrying that baggage. There is nothing to live up to, as in what I must do to maintain a personality.
I have wanted people to accept me as the personality that I accepted as myself. To create a "better me", yet all of this requires energy to maintain, therefore it can not be me, because I am already me, without maintaining a personality. It is a waste to allow that to exist, by feeding it and upgrading it to the latest version of personality. The energy expenditure spent worrying about how that my personality is being perceived by others. Acting within a limited range of possibility, to achieve success, as a character/impostor, because who I have been is self-interested. So of course, I have gone around hiding who I am, because I know that I have devious intentions.
It is amazing that anyone could somehow ignore their own deviant behavior, and instead follow a system of beliefs to act according to what one chooses to believe about themselves. We look to our neighbor and see how dishonest they live, therefore it is easily justifiable, because "I am least not the worst case of dishonesty." As if that is any reason to allow self to continue deceiving existence with a personality.

Much of the reason that people do not give all of oneself to one another, because it has rarely been seen in action. It has been generally accepted that the only possibility is the way it has always been. We have locked ourselves into that future reality, because we have believed that it is a foregone conclusion to do only as we have always done for thousands of years. We have not changed because we have believed that even if I were to change, that it would not make a difference; so why bother? Since people have never supported all life equally as themselves, because we have never done anything other than put the individual above the whole. Because we have not seen that the only real triumph is equality in all ways to all things, we have only been interested in how much I can do for myself. In reality it is so limited, because it requires others to have less, which could never be considered as any real triumph.

Instead of living within equality, which includes everything, we have lived exclusive lifestyles, that only includes ourselves. That is the grand illusion, that more for self is actually more. More suffering in the world, yes. Practically speaking, it is senseless to participate in anything other than supporting our own existence as one and equal with all beings within existence. Anything else is self-abuse by supporting more suffering within this world that I AM, in fact.

It is to be aware of each action and the far reaching consequences or each action. If it does not support self to be one and equal with all beings, then it is unacceptable. It is an excuse to say that I didn't know any better, because it affects us all, and self-responsibility is required for self-realization. Of course, people don't care to find out because it would most certainly mean that, "I would feel guilty about my lifestyle and might not be able to continue in my blissful existence, oblivious to how I promote abuse of another being within existence." That is the million dollar question: What is the consequences of my actions for all time? If it does not support existence equally eternally, then it is not acceptable.

I was frozen yesterday, in trying to decipher the moment, because I was not consciously aware of that in which I was participating, and I was plagued with a longing to know, or have some sort of reference point, so that I could define what it was that I was experiencing. The moment was not enough for my active mind. There was continuous suggestion within to not accept this moment as the only moment. I was fighting myself, trying not to try. Stopping was difficult, because I looking at a specific outcome, which was to stop thinking and self-analyzing. So I kept looking at myself to define "how" I was being.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to look at "myself" in order to make an assessment of myself by defining and judging what I see.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as a "screw up" because, I "caught" myself doing things that I judged were worthy of regret.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that corrective action is and self-forgiveness is a process in eliminating self-interested behaviors, by participating in that which does support oneness and equality of beings. Self-honestly doing that which is "best" for me, in which case if it truly is best for me, then it also means that it is the best for existence, equally in support of the expression of each being's support for each other being's expression of equality and oneness.

All that is eternal of me is what will remain, unconditionally. If it can come and go, then it is not something eternal. It is in identifying that which remains under all conditions, everything else is temporary and of no substance. Not in search of substance, but in realizing what is not real, and ceasing to participate in that which is able to be corrupted. When that which is temporary is removed from within, and what remains is irremovable and real. It is not drawing energy from "somewhere", but realizing ,the non-diminishable, already here.

I was just killing myself to try and realize, or "naturally" let go. Binding myself to the experience of "not being able to ..." Self is HERE. How is self assisting self to support self, equal to existence, empty of struggle to remain existing in any "certain" way. Already here. If it can be lost, then it is not worth hanging on, because it is unreal, and can be removed, it is conditional. All that is subject to conditionality, is all that will eventually fade anyway, so it was never unconditional to begin with. Empty, formless, and containing existence entirely. EXISTENCE. Eternal existence of what IS was and will be. That which REMAINS. It could never be anything that fluctuates, or fades, or begins or ends. The essence of existence as equal and one with existence. It is not even "something".

That's the funny part, because it can't be searched out, because there is no IT to begin with. It is the search, itself, that there is some magical secret of existence that does not exist, nobody knows how to find it, or how to identify it, but everybody is searching for IT. That's the big joke. THIS is IT! and nobody sees it, because we are all in our heads looking for IT, or believing that we got IT, or almost gonna get IT, and it turns out that it was all just a search to keep searching, focused on a goal of becoming 'something'. As if for some reason we need to ' be "something"' in order to be something; as if being self is not a something that is "enough" of a something already. So to be counted as "something", a personality is formed, limited to the "personality traits" that have been defined as 'personality', is wearing a number to be counted as "real" and definable and limited to "who I am", according to self-definitions. "individuality", and what is allowed to define "me" as 'something', by tacitly agreeing to live within the boundaries of an accepted "personality".

As if to claim or state a value to the unique number one is wearing. My unique number/personality, apparently "who I am", but it is only a program, just like a computer follows instructions or rules of that program. A "personality" is a program that carries out what was programmed in. Personality, is all just an attempt at gaining validation and justification of one's apparent uniqueness.