Not destroying what I have apparently established within my life and or building upon that establishment has been the core motivation of this life that I have been living. The worry that I may lose everything that I have so carefully balanced upon a teetering foundation, has kept me occupied, and prevented me from building upon what is immovable, here, as who and what I actually exist as.

Fears of estranging myself from others and losing established relationships has kept me away from self-expression.

Chasing relationships that do not support self-expression, born from a belief that if I don't conform and "prove" that I am everything that is likable and desirable then I will be left out in the cold, all alone. Unwilling to shed the barnacles that have accumulated in which I have so carefully supported to exist, so I that I do not have to fear being alone.

The fear of allowing relationships to be sloughed off, and to remain here as myself alone, streamlined, unencumbered by an energy-sapping balancing act is what has consumed all of my attention, and occupied me so completely, that I have nothing that supports self-expression.

I have failed to realize that what is immovable, here is the only foundation that has any stability in supporting that which is the indisputable self.

It is not as if I will really lose any relationships, but rather, the relationships will be built upon who I actually am, and reinforce, and facilitate what actually exists here as myself.

Not who I think I should be, but actually who is here. This plate-balancing existence is unsustainable, and only promotes more balancing. Yes, I will get better at balancing, which gives the illusion that I am improving self. In actuality, it only serves to extinguish the life that exist within and as myself.