I've been having many excuses come up as to why SRA conflicts with writing in my blog. Because I view it as a "pain in the ass", and it reminds of work or school. It's like a running out of enthusiasm, which indicates that I had moved from a point of energy, and energy fades and is not eternally stable. I have insisted on holding 'something' together. Something that must be continually "reassured" and recalibrated, readjusted, re energized to fit the mold that I have created for myself to live up to. Striving to be "me", instead of realizing that I am already.
The search or striving to become something before one is even aware of what this being here IS within this very moment. Striving cannot last, and is an existence that fades or diminishes, and therefore not eternal.
The belief that there is "something' that must be fed or satisfied in order to remain existing. I am already existing. The question is what do I exist as HERE? Must it be fed in order to remain existing? The fear is that I will not exist unless I am searching for who I am. Yet, I am still here, existing as what it is that I am in and of participation.
If that participation is energetic, then it is temporary, and a mere judgment of what it is that I should or shouldn't be. A ridiculous notion, because the fact is that I AM what I am, and judgment is a meaningless measurement within and as eternity. Who I AM is reality. Eternity existing as itself.
At a basic level, I had decided that 'killing' is a worthwhile experience, for the experience alone. By considering my own interests above the consequences that my actions would inflict upon other beings within existence; and not realizing that I am existence, itself. 'Killing' by self-interest is my vote that existence should exist as what I am promoting existence to be. If it is self-interest, then that is the vote that is cast.
Of course there is a vote as to how existence exists within each and every moment, and that is the ONLY "real" that exists. REAL what? is the question.
Real hiding? Real searching? Real punishing? Real fearing? Real scheming? Real clinging? If it requires energy, then cannot be eternal. That's why movement within indicates that a being (in reality) is existing as a being that cannot stand the test of "time", and therefore, will one day 'not exist'.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
According to the Bible, God knows the beginning from the end. Therefore, he knows the ultimate fate of every being within existence, from the very moment that he created each being. So if God is the creator of existence, then he also created his fallen angel, Satan, knowing from the moment that he created him, that he would become the deceiver, and that he would be destined to spend eternity in hell.
That in itself, proves that God is not the benevolent being that he claims to be. This is a being that he created according to God's will.
God doesn't just experiment, God is Omniscient. Therefore, he knows every last detail of every bit of existence instantaneously, constantly, eternally. If there exists a god at all, then God IS existence, itself.
As separate from existence/God, a being cannot direct existence from outside of existence/God. As God/existence, each of us is 'being' according to that in which one participates.
It is a statement of I, as existence, stand for what I stand for HERE. That vote is made within each moment. as reality unfolds as 'the participant' in and as reality. The eternal consequences of each vote is what we represent in which we stand for and as.
One can see the eventual fate of every action and the outflow of each action upon existence, one only has to see self, self-honestly and what it is that "I" stand for; and that means that I am standing for what "I" am here, and that is my vote for what existence IS, and remains as.
That in itself, proves that God is not the benevolent being that he claims to be. This is a being that he created according to God's will.
God doesn't just experiment, God is Omniscient. Therefore, he knows every last detail of every bit of existence instantaneously, constantly, eternally. If there exists a god at all, then God IS existence, itself.
As separate from existence/God, a being cannot direct existence from outside of existence/God. As God/existence, each of us is 'being' according to that in which one participates.
It is a statement of I, as existence, stand for what I stand for HERE. That vote is made within each moment. as reality unfolds as 'the participant' in and as reality. The eternal consequences of each vote is what we represent in which we stand for and as.
One can see the eventual fate of every action and the outflow of each action upon existence, one only has to see self, self-honestly and what it is that "I" stand for; and that means that I am standing for what "I" am here, and that is my vote for what existence IS, and remains as.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Fear of death, and what exactly is it that I have an opportunity to apply myself as who I would be "content" or "satisfied" in that I am standing as myself within awareness that if I die, I stands as life, for life, and of life. Otherwise, I've never actually lived.
Do I allow myself to live and allow others to live as who we actually are? Or do I attempt to quantify infinity? Existence itself?=Its meaningless. There's nothing to measure; it's all here.
We are existence itself. Experiencing itself as itself. That is the point. It is up to us to realize that existence is responsible for existence, and what we allow as ourselves to exist as, within existence.
If we do not realize that we are consuming ourselves, as existence exists, eventually there will be nothing left to consume. That which is of actual substance; depleted, because if I stand for and as 'depletion' as who I am, then something must be depleted.
It is required to stand for and as all that is eternal. That which cannot be depleted. That which is absolutely stable. Not reaching for a higher state, because there exist no "higher". There exist all that exist within existence here. Measurement/judgment is, itself, the only limitation within existence.
What meaning does a measurement within eternity have? Can it have any meaning whatsoever, considering that existence, in its entirety, exist eternally, simultaneously in all directions. It is all indescribable, undefinable, and cannot be understood through and as a definition limited to a description from within a limited vantage point.
Judgment/measurement is delusion.
Do I allow myself to live and allow others to live as who we actually are? Or do I attempt to quantify infinity? Existence itself?=Its meaningless. There's nothing to measure; it's all here.
We are existence itself. Experiencing itself as itself. That is the point. It is up to us to realize that existence is responsible for existence, and what we allow as ourselves to exist as, within existence.
If we do not realize that we are consuming ourselves, as existence exists, eventually there will be nothing left to consume. That which is of actual substance; depleted, because if I stand for and as 'depletion' as who I am, then something must be depleted.
It is required to stand for and as all that is eternal. That which cannot be depleted. That which is absolutely stable. Not reaching for a higher state, because there exist no "higher". There exist all that exist within existence here. Measurement/judgment is, itself, the only limitation within existence.
What meaning does a measurement within eternity have? Can it have any meaning whatsoever, considering that existence, in its entirety, exist eternally, simultaneously in all directions. It is all indescribable, undefinable, and cannot be understood through and as a definition limited to a description from within a limited vantage point.
Judgment/measurement is delusion.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Everybody "knows" what the truth is. It is all here as the physical. For instance, when somebody slaps the leg of the person sitting next to him. As that physical, expression, it is an instant experience in which nothing is hidden, and everything is already revealed within the action. It is only when one allows the mind to interpret the action, that we are instantly unaware of what is here. In the forementioned situation, if a being tries to define what the other person "meant" by slapping his leg, then HERE is in the mind (the past), and blinded to what is actually HERE.
What is here? BREATH is here. Who I am breathes here.
I hear it said often, that everybody should be allowed to do anything they want as long as they are not hurting anybody else. I'm quite sure that this has rarely been said by anybody with any awareness of what that statement implies. Because we are, in fact, each other, and that means that in order for that statement to ring true, a being must be self-honest. Otherwise, it is just an empty statement. Because there are consequences to every action, down to the most precise detail, and a being would have to be willing to take into consideration, EVERYTHING that is participated in, and how it affects existence, eternally.
That is called self-responsiblity. Which includes doing whatever it takes to stop ALL abuse from within and without. It is ABSOLUTE dedication to self and existence to expose all self-dishonesty from within each and every being in existence and to stop participating in the dishonesty revealed, immediately. It is obvious that most are not willing to part with the dishonest patterns that a person limits himself to.
I see that when self-dishonesty is dealt with in self-honesty, the reaction is disabled. That same reaction will continue to offer its services, so that I can face the point, until I can be certain that that pattern no longer exists within. So what is required is to stop absolutely. What does that mean? ABSOLUTELY. It means to no longer participate in that reaction, period. It means that a person is no longer creating new patterns of self-dishonesty, and as old patterns and tendencies are dealt with, self-honestly, the dishonest patterns diminish steadily, until there exists only self.
The key is within a self-honest statement. It must be an absolute statement, that I will do whatever it takes. The most difficult part is to actually make that statement, because the mind will suggest that it cannot be done. That is because, me, as the mind, wants to remain existing as the mind, and so making that statement is difficult because I know within that that would mean no compromise.
Although that seems incredibly difficult to do, it is really not so hard if I am honest with myself, because once that statement is made, it becomes a part of me, and in that, it becomes easier and easier to remain honest with who I am. It only takes a moment to make that statement and instantly become unable to return to living within and as self-dishonesty.
What is here? BREATH is here. Who I am breathes here.
I hear it said often, that everybody should be allowed to do anything they want as long as they are not hurting anybody else. I'm quite sure that this has rarely been said by anybody with any awareness of what that statement implies. Because we are, in fact, each other, and that means that in order for that statement to ring true, a being must be self-honest. Otherwise, it is just an empty statement. Because there are consequences to every action, down to the most precise detail, and a being would have to be willing to take into consideration, EVERYTHING that is participated in, and how it affects existence, eternally.
That is called self-responsiblity. Which includes doing whatever it takes to stop ALL abuse from within and without. It is ABSOLUTE dedication to self and existence to expose all self-dishonesty from within each and every being in existence and to stop participating in the dishonesty revealed, immediately. It is obvious that most are not willing to part with the dishonest patterns that a person limits himself to.
I see that when self-dishonesty is dealt with in self-honesty, the reaction is disabled. That same reaction will continue to offer its services, so that I can face the point, until I can be certain that that pattern no longer exists within. So what is required is to stop absolutely. What does that mean? ABSOLUTELY. It means to no longer participate in that reaction, period. It means that a person is no longer creating new patterns of self-dishonesty, and as old patterns and tendencies are dealt with, self-honestly, the dishonest patterns diminish steadily, until there exists only self.
The key is within a self-honest statement. It must be an absolute statement, that I will do whatever it takes. The most difficult part is to actually make that statement, because the mind will suggest that it cannot be done. That is because, me, as the mind, wants to remain existing as the mind, and so making that statement is difficult because I know within that that would mean no compromise.
Although that seems incredibly difficult to do, it is really not so hard if I am honest with myself, because once that statement is made, it becomes a part of me, and in that, it becomes easier and easier to remain honest with who I am. It only takes a moment to make that statement and instantly become unable to return to living within and as self-dishonesty.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Okay, next point, fear of confrontation, where I am concerned with being the definition of a nice guy. The most frustrating thing for me has been trying to get people to hear. So, I see that I am scared of losing relationships, and it just occurred to me that a relationship is based in the past, a definition, attached to a concept of who a person is perceived to be, and in which "he" is defined by the terms of the relationship, itself. Maintaining a relationship, holds both people within a repeating pattern of boundaries, treaties, and mutually accepted self-dishonesty.
Since I feared losing a relationship, I have compromised who I am in order to establish rules, which is an agreement that we will both allow each other to live within specifc limited ways of interacting that allows us both to deceive ourselves, and fortify the enslavement of the other. In that way, we become intertwined within a repeating pattern, and eventually get sick and tired of the living within the boundaries of those limitations and self-abuse. Because the relationship is based upon suppression, before long, someone breaks one of the rules or boundaries that were established. This creates animosity, followed by spite, and voila; a variation of of the same cycle is born.
The initial aim starts as a conquest to enslave another being to me. Of course, I also enslave myself in the process, and because I am so disgusted in myself for not standing as myself , the relationship goes toward the downswing side, and I just want out of the abusive cycle. So then I look for ways out of this cycle, which leads to more abuse in the form of sabotage. Within this mindset, apparently I am getting revenge for taking advantage of my "kindness". While in reality, I started the cycle of abuse upon myself to begin with, by my allowance and agreement of it to begin.
This appears to be the beginning of the end of my relationships. Self-dishonest beings do not wish to be exposed, and self-honest beings expose dishonesty, so resistance in hearing what is actually being said is inevitable.
The relationships I currently have will all fail, because I do not allow limitation of self by participating in the pre-existing pattern, that has been established from the beginning. This will leave leave me with nothing left to lose of a relationship, so that I can establish a new agreement, which is self-honesty in every moment of every breath.
But the relationship only exists within myself, as a defintion in which I am clinging to. The moment I let go of the effort required to maintain a relationship is the moment that the relationship is dead.It is frustrating for me when I perceive myself to be waiting for a person to see. In my impatience with the natural outflow of events, I find that I become restless, instead of realizing that I am this physical HERE. For some, it will require that the physical conditions become so unbearably uncomfortable, before they will realize that the physical reality is the only issue of any substance. Conditions will have to reach to a level of universal economic collapse, so that the physical suffering is significant enough to be felt by the elites of this world, and an equal money system is agreed upon.
Until we can all agree that the physical is who we are, and that what is allowed within the physical is what we allow ourselves to become, we will all continue to suffer.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
I've working with the point of self-judgment, and in an SRA session, it was indicated that the word piousness was related to the main way that I judge myself. I looked it up, and it means diligence. I will say that achievement or the appearance of achievement has held my attention greatly.
The system functions from the starting point of proving to the world that I am worth more than I believe myself to be. Because I have been pretty convincing in my charade, and when the image that I have portrayed begins to be accepted by the world, I know that what I am being accepted as is merely what I have pretended to be, and so from this, I find myself striving to maintain the "superior" image that I have created to act as me.
The pressure I put on myself to achieve exists because I know that who I am does not match the 'diligent' image construct that I have pretended to be. So, hiding the incongruency of my image when compared to that of who I actually am, or who I believe myself to be, has been a priority for me. This also reveals some of the reason that I have bounced around so much in my activities, which is because within a given activity, I have wished to display the illusion of diligence. So when I have been confident that my diligent image is secure, then that is when I have moved onto creating the next illusion.
The word pious, after reading more on the definition, is associated with religion. A devoutness or dutiful.
Who am I primarily concerned with appearing pious?
Desteni? No
Family? Yes
Is there a particular member of the family that is the primary intended recipient of my projected image? YES
Mother? YES
It is really a clever little system. I have believed that I could place the image out there as myself, and that if I could get people to treat me as that image, that it would somehow change me into that image.
In a sense, it is somewhat true that I would become the image, because if one interacts as an image, then self is being denied, and illusion and deception are nurtured, while self lies inactive. In essence, dead or nonexistent.
From my mom, I have sensed great hopes and expectations for me to become something or someone special, and in my mind, I have fallen short of those expectations. Seeing approval on her face has been my greatest treasure. Gosh, I'm such a hurt little boy.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that who I am will always fall short mom's acceptance of me as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself for so long.
I forgive myself that I have judged myself to be unacceptable, and have allowed myself to try and 'make up' for who I am by creating an image in which to be judged by.
I forgive myself that I have not even allowed myself to give myself and the world an opportunity to accept me for who I am, because I had already decided that who I am would not be enough to be accepted.
I had already defeated myself before I even began. I expose myself, all of me here. ALL OF ME.
The image is a ploy to present such a believable image of diligence, so that way I can say, "I try my very best, and I am such a good person, but the world does not recognize my 'specialness'". Subconsciously, creating situations in which I am a victim of circumstance to get sympathy. In that way, I have sought out 'hardship' so that my 'piousness' can be recognized against the contrasting situation. They call it Munchhausen Syndrome, when somebody purposely hurts himself to gain sympathy from other people.
It is the "no risk" method of success. So that if I succeed, then great, but even if I don't, then the illusion is placed there as an "alternative" success, because at least I "tried" my "hardest" against such difficult conditions. The reward is "love" and admiration from others, which I have held in highest reverence.
Since I've become more aware of this self-judgment construct, I've noticed that I've been able to 'forget' about maintaining an image, and show myself as ALL of who I am here. It's cool in a "the jig is up" kind of way. I've been lying this whole time, and it's time I show the secret that I've been hiding, which is me. Funny as it seems, I've also used "honesty" as a defense mechanism and "self-awarded" image booster.
I remember walking into Bartlett High school, after my "enlightenment" with LSD in Oregon, where I peered "honestly" into the eyes of a kid, in order to display my newly acquired confidence. To my delight, his eyes quickly avoided mine, and I could not wait to show everybody how fucking awesome my new image was.
What I have viewed as the single most influential event in my life(LSD enlightenment) has been once again, just another scheme to be loved and admired. I caught a glimpse of a shadow of equality, but the allure and importance that I had placed upon being loved and admired easily gained priority status. I knew the whole time that I was only presenting an image, and even though I thought that 'bringing out the best in everybody', was key in bringing about paradise, the fact was that I was only concerned with being recognized as one of the GREATEST who ever lived.
No more. I do not allow myself to support the existence of myself as an image. I am here to share me as who I am, for all to see.
The system functions from the starting point of proving to the world that I am worth more than I believe myself to be. Because I have been pretty convincing in my charade, and when the image that I have portrayed begins to be accepted by the world, I know that what I am being accepted as is merely what I have pretended to be, and so from this, I find myself striving to maintain the "superior" image that I have created to act as me.
The pressure I put on myself to achieve exists because I know that who I am does not match the 'diligent' image construct that I have pretended to be. So, hiding the incongruency of my image when compared to that of who I actually am, or who I believe myself to be, has been a priority for me. This also reveals some of the reason that I have bounced around so much in my activities, which is because within a given activity, I have wished to display the illusion of diligence. So when I have been confident that my diligent image is secure, then that is when I have moved onto creating the next illusion.
The word pious, after reading more on the definition, is associated with religion. A devoutness or dutiful.
Who am I primarily concerned with appearing pious?
Desteni? No
Family? Yes
Is there a particular member of the family that is the primary intended recipient of my projected image? YES
Mother? YES
It is really a clever little system. I have believed that I could place the image out there as myself, and that if I could get people to treat me as that image, that it would somehow change me into that image.
In a sense, it is somewhat true that I would become the image, because if one interacts as an image, then self is being denied, and illusion and deception are nurtured, while self lies inactive. In essence, dead or nonexistent.
From my mom, I have sensed great hopes and expectations for me to become something or someone special, and in my mind, I have fallen short of those expectations. Seeing approval on her face has been my greatest treasure. Gosh, I'm such a hurt little boy.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that who I am will always fall short mom's acceptance of me as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself for so long.
I forgive myself that I have judged myself to be unacceptable, and have allowed myself to try and 'make up' for who I am by creating an image in which to be judged by.
I forgive myself that I have not even allowed myself to give myself and the world an opportunity to accept me for who I am, because I had already decided that who I am would not be enough to be accepted.
I had already defeated myself before I even began. I expose myself, all of me here. ALL OF ME.
The image is a ploy to present such a believable image of diligence, so that way I can say, "I try my very best, and I am such a good person, but the world does not recognize my 'specialness'". Subconsciously, creating situations in which I am a victim of circumstance to get sympathy. In that way, I have sought out 'hardship' so that my 'piousness' can be recognized against the contrasting situation. They call it Munchhausen Syndrome, when somebody purposely hurts himself to gain sympathy from other people.
It is the "no risk" method of success. So that if I succeed, then great, but even if I don't, then the illusion is placed there as an "alternative" success, because at least I "tried" my "hardest" against such difficult conditions. The reward is "love" and admiration from others, which I have held in highest reverence.
Since I've become more aware of this self-judgment construct, I've noticed that I've been able to 'forget' about maintaining an image, and show myself as ALL of who I am here. It's cool in a "the jig is up" kind of way. I've been lying this whole time, and it's time I show the secret that I've been hiding, which is me. Funny as it seems, I've also used "honesty" as a defense mechanism and "self-awarded" image booster.
I remember walking into Bartlett High school, after my "enlightenment" with LSD in Oregon, where I peered "honestly" into the eyes of a kid, in order to display my newly acquired confidence. To my delight, his eyes quickly avoided mine, and I could not wait to show everybody how fucking awesome my new image was.
What I have viewed as the single most influential event in my life(LSD enlightenment) has been once again, just another scheme to be loved and admired. I caught a glimpse of a shadow of equality, but the allure and importance that I had placed upon being loved and admired easily gained priority status. I knew the whole time that I was only presenting an image, and even though I thought that 'bringing out the best in everybody', was key in bringing about paradise, the fact was that I was only concerned with being recognized as one of the GREATEST who ever lived.
No more. I do not allow myself to support the existence of myself as an image. I am here to share me as who I am, for all to see.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
I just did a short SRA session, and it tested that there are points of judgment linked to expression. I just tried it again, and came up with the same result. I then tested for,
1. family
2.friends
3.strangers
4.self
It tested that self-judgment linked to expression is my primary pattern. Whether or not it actually worked, or if I was influencing the results, is unclear. But I did repeated tests and more than not, it tested that self-judgment of expression is the primary pattern.
Bruce L, told me months and months ago, that my nature has almost completely become that of judgment. I am not always aware of the many ways that I judge myself, because it has become "me", thus it seems "natural" and ordinary to judge myself.
I am aware that there is a system that monitors my behavior, to give a "value" or a measure of "success" within most anything that I do.
Almost nothing I have done, gets done without automatically measuring success of a particular action. So much so that judgment accompanies action almost always. Calculations and formulas to quantify an action. As if one moment can be considered more valuable than another.
There is a dynamic that I am currently experiencing, specifically, I find myself in exactly the same situation as so many times within this lifetime. My mind wants to know where and how I fit in, based upon some kind of hierarchy. So when I find that my 'rank' within a hierarchy does not agree with what I have defined as acceptable, I have usually either distanced myself from that particular group, or done anything necessary to be considered one of the elites.
There is a strange paradox within what I "want". On the one hand I want to be accepted as part of a group, and on the other hand, I want to do whatever the hell I please. I find that I jump back and forth between two extremes on most issues. Sometimes I want everything, and sometimes I want nothing, and I find myself wandering in between, going one direction, and then all of a sudden switching to the complete other extreme.
I've been looking for a definition of myself, and when that definition starts to get accepted as me, then that's when I begin feeling trapped in a limited definition, so I move to change and morph that definition into something that I think might attract more love and acceptance.
I experience it all as being almost there, constantly. It is like having no home, desperately seeking a home, yet at the same time fearing the limitation within being bound to a particular place. It is the same with relationships, and really every aspect of my life. So I find myself in "limbo" often, because I have placed myself there. Which, as it turns out, has been my lifelong placement and pattern. For instance, I want help, but I don't want to be an inconvenience, so often I will just keep quiet and do it myself.
So this has created a duality within me, what I "want" to express is what I fear the most, because it is truly me, and I have not wanted to subject myself to the possibility that someone may not like me or approve of me. So I have hidden me, behind a personality, so that I do not have to expose myself to judgment. I fear judgment because, I have already judged myself, and convicted myself for being me, and I have been quite convinced that if I were to expose myself, then the true me, which I have judged to be inadequate, would be revealed.
Self-judgment as less than ideal. That is what I have judged and believed myself to be. So I have compensated for my "less than" idea of myself by seeking out excellence and running from failure.
Because I have treated my thoughts as truth, I believed the truth has been that I will never be enough. It is a statement that I have made to myself, and not even been aware, because I have assumed it to be true, without question.
Because I have carried this definition with me, as myself, and have completely believed in my own definition of myself as 'less than', My life has been entirely about gaining acceptance from the world, as a personality, because I believed that who I am could never be accepted. I have "known" this for as long as I can remember, and that is exactly why I have been on a mission to create and project a personality that I believed would be more readily accepted by the world.
I have never been enough for me, and this is why I have strong tendencies toward proving myself to the world. Because I have believed myself to be unacceptable, I have tried to gain acceptance by showing the world my talents and impressing as many people as possible with my wonderful personality.
That has not gotten the results that I have been looking for, so the other extreme is to just drop out when I realize that my all of my feats of talent and all of the energy that has been "invested" in personality has gotten me no more acceptance than when I started.
It is a simple cycle of "I'll show everybody that I am valuable." and then when it seems I have failed, the statement changes to, "Everybody can go FUCK OFF!"
I accept myself here, as all that I am here. Judgment not necessary, or acceptable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at all of the ways that I could be judged and have avoided expressing myself unconditionally, out of fear for being judged.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge every action of myself as a quantity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blend in to the scenery, so that I do not have to subject myself to judgment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can quantify myself as a 'value'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as "proving" that I have worth.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept myself for who I am, entirely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself in any way. That only limits me to that in which I think I am.
The word stupid pops up, and all of the negative connotations related such as 'strange' or 'awkward'. I have always had a great fear of ever being in a situation in which I could be described as stupid, strange or awkward.
I've always felt strange around people, as if the spot light was always on me. Much of it, and probably more than I am aware of, is having an Vietnamese mother, also my dad is "strange", in that he has little or no friends. He says his only friend is Arch Hall, a friend from the service. I have wanted to separate myself from any associations to "strange". Of course, as a child I could see that my parents both considered themselves strange or out of place.
Really, after the age of about 8, I became ashamed of my parents. My mom, being a strange Vietnamese woman, and my Dad being a loner nerd. When she remarried Wayne, my step dad, I thought of him as my "cool" dad, and absolutely adored him. He was into everything that I was into, and I was into everything he was into. If ever there was a hero, there was none greater than Daddy Wayne. He liked Kung Fu, skateboarding, surfing, windsurfing, hang gliding, Budhism, rock climbing, science, art, skiing, kayaking, math, computers, sailing, building, guitar, Japanese culture, ice climbing, swimming, mechanics, travel, and on and on...
He was everything that I wanted to be, and I enjoyed every moment I got to spend with him. Then when I was about 13 or 14 he told me that they were getting divorced. That was one of the saddest moments in my life. I was really lost, and I was going to be going to a new school again. Moving schools was an often occurrence, and I dreaded being the new kid over and over.
I've always wondered what is the appropriate way to act, and I have built my personality around an idea of 'universal appropriateness'. In essence, a popularity contest, in an effort to be liked, and becoming whatever I deemed necessary to be accepted as "one of us". So really, my personality, is the best design that I have come up with to accumulate more adoring fans, and that has been the game all along.
Like experimenting with different fishing lures, and when I find the one that is catching the most fish, that is the one I would choose to fish with. My personality/personalities are selected just as a different conditions require different lures, sinkers, and leaders by a fisherman. Just a tackle box full of personality, used to attract acceptance.
1. family
2.friends
3.strangers
4.self
It tested that self-judgment linked to expression is my primary pattern. Whether or not it actually worked, or if I was influencing the results, is unclear. But I did repeated tests and more than not, it tested that self-judgment of expression is the primary pattern.
Bruce L, told me months and months ago, that my nature has almost completely become that of judgment. I am not always aware of the many ways that I judge myself, because it has become "me", thus it seems "natural" and ordinary to judge myself.
I am aware that there is a system that monitors my behavior, to give a "value" or a measure of "success" within most anything that I do.
Almost nothing I have done, gets done without automatically measuring success of a particular action. So much so that judgment accompanies action almost always. Calculations and formulas to quantify an action. As if one moment can be considered more valuable than another.
There is a dynamic that I am currently experiencing, specifically, I find myself in exactly the same situation as so many times within this lifetime. My mind wants to know where and how I fit in, based upon some kind of hierarchy. So when I find that my 'rank' within a hierarchy does not agree with what I have defined as acceptable, I have usually either distanced myself from that particular group, or done anything necessary to be considered one of the elites.
There is a strange paradox within what I "want". On the one hand I want to be accepted as part of a group, and on the other hand, I want to do whatever the hell I please. I find that I jump back and forth between two extremes on most issues. Sometimes I want everything, and sometimes I want nothing, and I find myself wandering in between, going one direction, and then all of a sudden switching to the complete other extreme.
I've been looking for a definition of myself, and when that definition starts to get accepted as me, then that's when I begin feeling trapped in a limited definition, so I move to change and morph that definition into something that I think might attract more love and acceptance.
I experience it all as being almost there, constantly. It is like having no home, desperately seeking a home, yet at the same time fearing the limitation within being bound to a particular place. It is the same with relationships, and really every aspect of my life. So I find myself in "limbo" often, because I have placed myself there. Which, as it turns out, has been my lifelong placement and pattern. For instance, I want help, but I don't want to be an inconvenience, so often I will just keep quiet and do it myself.
So this has created a duality within me, what I "want" to express is what I fear the most, because it is truly me, and I have not wanted to subject myself to the possibility that someone may not like me or approve of me. So I have hidden me, behind a personality, so that I do not have to expose myself to judgment. I fear judgment because, I have already judged myself, and convicted myself for being me, and I have been quite convinced that if I were to expose myself, then the true me, which I have judged to be inadequate, would be revealed.
Self-judgment as less than ideal. That is what I have judged and believed myself to be. So I have compensated for my "less than" idea of myself by seeking out excellence and running from failure.
Because I have treated my thoughts as truth, I believed the truth has been that I will never be enough. It is a statement that I have made to myself, and not even been aware, because I have assumed it to be true, without question.
Because I have carried this definition with me, as myself, and have completely believed in my own definition of myself as 'less than', My life has been entirely about gaining acceptance from the world, as a personality, because I believed that who I am could never be accepted. I have "known" this for as long as I can remember, and that is exactly why I have been on a mission to create and project a personality that I believed would be more readily accepted by the world.
I have never been enough for me, and this is why I have strong tendencies toward proving myself to the world. Because I have believed myself to be unacceptable, I have tried to gain acceptance by showing the world my talents and impressing as many people as possible with my wonderful personality.
That has not gotten the results that I have been looking for, so the other extreme is to just drop out when I realize that my all of my feats of talent and all of the energy that has been "invested" in personality has gotten me no more acceptance than when I started.
It is a simple cycle of "I'll show everybody that I am valuable." and then when it seems I have failed, the statement changes to, "Everybody can go FUCK OFF!"
I accept myself here, as all that I am here. Judgment not necessary, or acceptable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at all of the ways that I could be judged and have avoided expressing myself unconditionally, out of fear for being judged.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge every action of myself as a quantity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blend in to the scenery, so that I do not have to subject myself to judgment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can quantify myself as a 'value'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as "proving" that I have worth.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept myself for who I am, entirely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself in any way. That only limits me to that in which I think I am.
The word stupid pops up, and all of the negative connotations related such as 'strange' or 'awkward'. I have always had a great fear of ever being in a situation in which I could be described as stupid, strange or awkward.
I've always felt strange around people, as if the spot light was always on me. Much of it, and probably more than I am aware of, is having an Vietnamese mother, also my dad is "strange", in that he has little or no friends. He says his only friend is Arch Hall, a friend from the service. I have wanted to separate myself from any associations to "strange". Of course, as a child I could see that my parents both considered themselves strange or out of place.
Really, after the age of about 8, I became ashamed of my parents. My mom, being a strange Vietnamese woman, and my Dad being a loner nerd. When she remarried Wayne, my step dad, I thought of him as my "cool" dad, and absolutely adored him. He was into everything that I was into, and I was into everything he was into. If ever there was a hero, there was none greater than Daddy Wayne. He liked Kung Fu, skateboarding, surfing, windsurfing, hang gliding, Budhism, rock climbing, science, art, skiing, kayaking, math, computers, sailing, building, guitar, Japanese culture, ice climbing, swimming, mechanics, travel, and on and on...
He was everything that I wanted to be, and I enjoyed every moment I got to spend with him. Then when I was about 13 or 14 he told me that they were getting divorced. That was one of the saddest moments in my life. I was really lost, and I was going to be going to a new school again. Moving schools was an often occurrence, and I dreaded being the new kid over and over.
I've always wondered what is the appropriate way to act, and I have built my personality around an idea of 'universal appropriateness'. In essence, a popularity contest, in an effort to be liked, and becoming whatever I deemed necessary to be accepted as "one of us". So really, my personality, is the best design that I have come up with to accumulate more adoring fans, and that has been the game all along.
Like experimenting with different fishing lures, and when I find the one that is catching the most fish, that is the one I would choose to fish with. My personality/personalities are selected just as a different conditions require different lures, sinkers, and leaders by a fisherman. Just a tackle box full of personality, used to attract acceptance.
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