Writing here only because I don't really want to, also to uncover something that I may be missing. From this point I see that I still want something more than what is here, because here there is nothing in which the mind can participate, and the mind wants to be activated so that it can continue existing. The mind always wants more.
Because I have not accepted that I am who I am here, and because there exists a belief that I can be more than me here, an anxiousness or longing to become something more is created from that belief. It is a point that is imperative for me to transcend; and the only way for me to realize that I do not have to be controlled by that desire to become something more is to be faced with such a scenario. So, for the last few days, I have experienced an anxiousness, which shows me how I have allowed that anxiousness to move me toward an imaginary 'more' than me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience myself as anxiousness because I have believed that there can be something more to me that who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to an idea of what I should be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an idea to direct me, instead of accepting and embracing myself as the existence that I have created for myself.

This is a perplexing point, because I know that it is not necessary for me to exist like this any longer than it takes to prove to myself that I don't have to exist like this. But until I walk through that point, I will not have proven it to myself. So this is why anxiousness rears its head, because it is a fact that I have not yet proven that to myself.

It is necessary for me to face every point of self-dishonesty, in fact, so that I can be certain that there is nothing that can influence me to move from myself here. Until I am absolutely stable here, will anything ever change. But because I have knowledge or a concept of that scenario existing, I have found myself trying to achieve that. I have not lived here, because I have believed that there is a 'there', just out of reach. I have believed that I will somehow be different, but for me to be 'different' implies comparison, which requires a definition of self as lifeless; limited to only that which I have defined as me. In this, there is no flowing of life, but only stagnation and infinite lifelessness.
I have not understood that I am here unconditionally, already, and that it is here that I stand eternally. It is here in this instant that I stand here, and 'there', "when I finally stand", does not exist. It is here, always here. Unconditionally here, eternally here, this moment here, and that is all that exists.
I have wanted the bombardment of the mind to stop, but it is completely irrelevant to me here, if or when it stops existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relish a day when the mind finally stops, because I have defined such an existence as greater than here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that acceptance of self will occur 'then and there', in an imaginary existence, and in so doing, have disregarded here altogether.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted that the mind exists here as myself; that I exist as the mind, because the mind exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself here as the mind that I exist as here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to run from who I exist as here, as the mind as myself as I exist here.

Talked to my brother, Forrest, today. We are realizing the same things about ourselves, and how we have created our situations. It was surprising to me that he actually sees some of the same points that I have tried to explain to him earlier. However, when I tried to explain things to him before, I was explaining a concept and wasn't expressing who I was, per se, but instead trying to convince him that I was correct, or more correct than he. Points such as being goal oriented versus being self, here.

Our language differs when expressing what we mean. For instance, he uses the word 'happiness', which I tend to have an aversion to using that word to describe living here as this moment in complete acceptance of self here. 'Enjoyment' could possibly be the word that would facilitate our communication.

On the point about being goal oriented, we were also challenged in finding an appropriate expression to describe the alternative to being goal oriented and not participating in an idea of an agenda, but rather just being self here. What we were both trying to identify was that the goal is not necessarily a goal, but that certain circumstances are inevitable if self is trusted as self here.
In other words, if one is to take this moment and live here, then the things that were previously goals are forsaken, and what is here ends up including everything. Because it is realized that that in which has been sought is dependent upon an idea of satisfaction or happiness, and is conditional upon how closely it matches the idea of the 'correct outcome' of the goal in mind. So in this, one finds himself lacking nothing, and each moment is an all included welcome surprise. This enables one to enjoy each moment as it exists here, not limited by the parameters that one had previously viewed as an undesirable or desirable circumstance.

Because the circumstance cannot be controlled, nor can it be measured or defined without fragmenting self and reality.

Awareness is self here, and self is not 'known' quantifiably, but is trusted that self remains here unconditionally, not limited by an idea of what self is or should be, or by what is supposed to happen, or what should or shouldn't happen. The circumstance is simply accepted as self here, and it is from here that self directs self to remain self. In this, there is not a trying to become or to remain self, because self is already self here. Trying to become or remain what self is already, is and has been the birth of myself as fear.

Here is where self-forgiveness and self-honesty is imperative. Because when it is realized, in self-honesty, that one is participating in and as an illusion, image, or definition; that moment is the opportunity to forgive self for involvement in self-deception and to stop participating. This is remaining here unconditionally, undefined. Self allowing self to actually live.

I don't feel like doing a blog today, so I decided to do one anyway. Still I find that I attempt to conceptualize and define self-honesty as a dead point that can be placed within a box and say that 'this' is self-honesty. It is grasping for something in which to hold onto that has some point of reference, not flowing, but dead and lifeless. It is based in fear that I will lose me, that somehow if I let go of definitions, then surely I will cease to exist. It is second guessing myself, with absolutely no self-trust present; reflecting on what I just did to monitor whether or not I was self-honest, living in the past as a concept. Self-honesty is lived, not experienced as validation. It is here as me, without a definition. It has no sum, it has no value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and conceptualize and place a value upon self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust in myself here without trying to define and try to determine what self-honesty entails.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my trust in the mind as something that can be relied upon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no reference point in which to define myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that in which I do as either self-honest or not self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wander away from here in an imaginary world within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted me as who I am here, and continued a search to find something more than me here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to police myself within the boundaries of a concept of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be more than who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted energy as the force that moves me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add more knowledge in an attempt at becoming more than who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that knowledge will lead me to self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the goal of self-honesty, and not realizing that self-honesty is not a dead point that can be reached.

Self-honesty is living here, not reaching outside of here to gain something. This would imply separation as myself, as something here and something there.

I stop. I remain here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be anywhere or anything other than here as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being self-honest. This in itself is self-dishonesty, because it does not accept me here, but fears a future point that does not exist here, but only as a concept within the mind.

I just realized that defining and placing labels on oneself or others is a secondary action, in that it occurs after what is already here. Seeing a boat in the distance, and saying to self that that is a boat adds an unnecessary step. It is already seen and there is no reason to define it to oneself, because self already sees, and a definition is just baggage in which to lug around.

A point that is in my face almost everyday is seeing my cousin and his household. The entire family is getting progressively more violent and whiny. He or Cindy do not realize how they are creating chaos in their handling of the situations that plague them. For instance, attempting to correct a child for hitting a sibling, by hitting the child. This illustrates to a child that hitting is a preferred and effective method in which to (resolve a problem/get what is wanted.) So, quite naturally, the frequency of hitting is increased within the family.

What I am faced with is a situation that cannot change because, they are not willing to see or hear that they are the very cause of the chaos that thrives within their family. Their belief that they are living according to God's will, blinds them from the awareness of the situation, and how they CULTivate the ever increasing madness that thrives within their family construct.

The desire that I have for them to see that they are the primary cause of their children becoming more violent and abusive, supports this continued existence as myself.
This is a major point within me. Looking on from the outside, self-defined, as having 'no effect' or as 'losing the battle' separates me from the situation, and ensures that I cannot be effective because I have seen myself as 'powerless' within the situation. This breeds frustration within me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to always have an idea of a better situation than here, which only supports that a 'less than' situation/condition continues existing as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to shake my head and tell myself how fucked up they are, instead of realizing that I have separated myself from them by defining me as less fucked up, and them as more fucked up. We are all fucked up equally, and only by me standing within and as them that anything will ever be different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump at the opportunity to define all of the ways that they are fucked up, pointing out the problems, instead of living and realizing that I am already the solution by remaining here within and as the solution as myself as all that I am within self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh at how ridiculous they are, as separate from them, placing myself above them and not realizing that it is oneness and equality as myself as us that I am effective in stopping all abuse.

I am amused at myself for wanting to show everyone my "progress" in process. Saying something like, "hey guys, look at me! Look at how self-honest I am!" Now THAT is comedy. Maybe it is a little redundant to reiterate that that in which I want will flee from me because of the law of polarity. In writing that statement, I have to look at the reason I have wanted to state such a thing. What I see is that there is an attempt by me to horde realizations as knowledge, because of an underlying fear that I must repeat it to myself, lest I forget. In this is the very desire, I just talked about. The desire to remain self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to horde knowledge because I do not trust in me, but instead have put my trust in knowledge and concepts.

I also see a preference to live self-honestly, which is based upon fear of consequences of self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to avoid consequences of self-dishonesty, which is fear of the future, and limits me to within a boundary of self-enslavement.

I am here, and I live this moment here as myself here, and not from within fear of the imaginary.

Specifically, I have wanted to be "cared for". Active encouragement, according to how I have defined it. I've seen times that I have pretended helplessness or incapability in order to get the attention that I have craved for my entire life. I had gotten pretty convincing, because I had even partially convinced myself, and as a result, often got the attention that was sought. Which has been an [awww Lloyd, I'll sacrifice myself for you] type of reaction, wherein, I am the center of attention.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to not be able to stand up for myself because I have wanted to receive attention.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become unaware that I have purposely become "troubled" in order to receive the "nourishment" that I have craved from others.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have craved attention from others because I have not been enough for myself, and in the process of searching have taken myself for granted, and become unaware that I even exist.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have abused myself because I have wanted to play the part of the "poor little victim".

Like when I have been really sick, and the entire family became concerned with my well being. That is exactly what I have wanted from the world. So I have subconsciously sabotaged myself in order to receive this sort of treatment. The Munchausen syndrome.
A subtle way in which I have applied this manipulation tactic is to exaggerate my diligence and or "good-heartedness" to create a "bad" things happening to a "good" person scenario. The depths in which I have become manipulative is staggering. Even to the extent that I became lost in and as the role I was playing, effectively losing me, in order to become a "real" actor, so that my role would be convincing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for comfort from others by playing the victim of tragic circumstance, so that I could "illustrate" to myself that I am loved.

I forgive myself that I have adopted this role of "humanitarian", as myself, to gain the support and sympathy from the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand when I have been capable all along.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent upon the attention and affection of others, to "get me through".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself because I have believed in the image I have defined as being a noble, warm-hearted being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there can exist any lasting comfort in someone or something separate and outside myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that I have created my own suffering, because I have allowed self-interest to direct me toward "more" for me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand here in support of all life equally as one as myself unconditionally.

Unconditionally meaning, unchanging, that which remains unchanged. Myself as unchanged, eternal, never fading, always here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that the caring and nourishment that I have apparently lacked is because I have not assisted and supported myself as equal and one with all beings, but instead from within and as a "me first" existence.

So to take my last post a step further. As illustrated, if I define myself as a victim of circumstance, in any way whatsoever, then a circumstance will manifest in which I am a victim, as according to my definition of being victimized.

Taking another example; desire. If I desire something; I have stated that I am the manifestation of desire. So in order for me to exist as the desire that I have defined as myself, something must be created for me to desire, because desire cannot exist without an object of desire.

This is allowing an idea that there is something else out there, that can actually be attained, direct me. Because I believe it to be true, my expression will be that of 'something is missing'. In which case, something must manifest that I believe that I am missing , because I have become the expression of 'something is missing', so that apparent situation must certainly exist, as according to my perception, because I have played the role of 'something missing', and thus that situation manifests as myself.

Another example is the idea that, "I've finally made it." This implies that I was not always here, and separate from here. So because I have believed that being here is something that was attained, my expression is that of 'having attained' here or separate from here. Therefore I will experience myself as separated, because I had defined myself as 'having made it', which is a definition of me as separate from what is here. Therefore, if I have defined myself, in any way whatsoever, I have separated myself as something limited and definable, and I am manifested as the embodiment and expression of limitation, limited by the idea or definition that I have placed on myself.