There's a peculiar feeling, a feeling or perhaps a belief that there is something to achieve. Something that hasn't quite yet been reached. This is the thing that has driven me to follow its promptings. Even though I have "understood" that fact, that something outside of me is driving me, I have just accepted it as who i am.


Within that, I am coincidentally existing as "not yet here", because it is obvious that within that belief, I have 'created' my existence to be that of "not yet here." Therefore, what is actually here is disregarded in exchange for what I believe instead. Which means that I only exist within and as a belief. Not who or what I am, only illusion.


I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I have to get somewhere. I am here.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am what I believe myself to be - incomplete, 'not yet arrived'. I am here, I have always been here. I have arrived where I have taken myself or allowed myself to be taken, and that is here.


til here no further. There is simply no other way that one can be within reality as reality.
All this stuff that I am writing is only information. As I'm writing as who I am here, that is the only matter; who I am here.


"Yeah but..." - the justification and allowance of self to continue without self-responsibilty. to continue participation in "new" and 'curious' trains of thoughts. Knowledge without action - useless.


The action is here. This being's action here.

This process of writing in my blog should be about me discovering me. I've noticed that I've been reserved when it comes to just writing without censoring what it is that I actually am going through, because of a perceived need to be correct in what I say.

It's conditioning from far back, like when I raised my hand in class and got the correct answer. A sense of accomplishment for being correct. I am better than the others that 'don't know' mentality. A general feeling of superiority.

Much of my aim behind doing blogs has been that same drive to show the class that I am "smart," and therefore superior. So it has been mandatory to make sure that I only raise my hand when I'm really sure that I have the correct answer. Logically speaking, the more that I answer correctly, the more everyone will see that indeed I am one of the smartest.

I can think back to maybe fifth grade when Mrs. Marsh would give us opportunities to answer questions, and I would raise my hand on almost every question, and that made me feel special. That specialness that warrants special treatment from others, which is the core of my relationship patterns.

That is key, because it is what I have been seeking within my interaction within the world. Literally, every move has had the goal of "proving" that I'm special, and that has been the prime motivatior in regards to my involvement with desteni.

Seeking acceptance and approval from desteni, so I've done things to 'show' that I am onboard, but that means that the starting point is seeking acceptance and approval.

The only acceptance is self-acceptance, and I have yet to remain here as who I am, because I have believed that who I am here is not enough.

Not enough? A ridiculous notion, because I am exactly that which I am equal to. Equal to EVERYTHING that exists as I exist here.

How can one become a different program from within and as one's current programming? Impossible- the base program supercedes any new programming that one attempts to introduce because one is already running within and as the base program.

None of the old can be trusted, because it has proven to be unreliable at best. This programming, the values I have given to anything, my hopes, wants, and fears, my interpretations, likes and dislikes, all of it, I've accepted and allowed to direct my every move. The things that have driven me, what I believed to be freewill, is nothing of the sort.

What I believed to be my individuality are really strings, each one allowed to exist, because I thought they were the things that kept me free from restraint. How ironic it is when one realizes that all of those hopes, dreams, fears, etc. are the things that keep people enslaved.
"Love" for instance: Is there anything within this world that possesses a being, and dictates their every move more extensively?

For christ's sake, they even have movies and romantic literature, that apparently shows how much someone loves another because they are driven to suicide and or murder for various reasons. Is that any different than a heroin or meth addict?

Before they met everything was fine. Afterwards, could never be apart, otherwise, great sickness, physical discomfort, murderous and suicidal tendencies -all common side effects.

It's generally recognized as a serious medical condition for drug addicts. But for those "in love" with the same exact symptoms, it is regarded as acceptable, and even noble to feel so deeply for someone. Bullshit. I've been "in love", infatuated, and I know how miserable I was. All I could do was think about 'her' fears of losing her, etc.

I actually believed that I would not be able to live without her. As if she were as important to my existence as water. Is that any different than a junkie?...I can hear the arguments now, "yeah, but that's different..."

"Yeah buts", in my experience, are people defending their way of life and or belief system. People just do not want to hear anything that requires actual change. Of course, I am speaking of myself.

As the system that is currently my base programming, rule number one is to preserve itself above all else...so any attempt at hacking into the programming will be met with emergency procedures that prevent any major alterations of the base program(s).

As I'm looking at it here, approval/acceptance construct emerged from within the belief that I am "less than". Self-judgment virtually every moment of this life. Never satified, because it has all been viewed as "in relationship" to something else, in order assign to myself a specific value.
It's all meaningless, yet I have not yet proved that to myself, because I have not stopped assuming that life can only be experienced by and as measuring and assigning value to myself and each experience.

The image of a guy running around measuring everything in existence in order to understand it comes up, because it's literally the same meaningless pursuit.

I mean, okay now that I've catalogued the measurement of everything in existence, do I really have any more understanding of existence? Absolutely not, it's just a bunch of information, even if the measurements are correct.

Does knowing the heighth of a mighty Redwood really explain to me the experience of visiting the Redwoods? Likewise, does knowing my heighth in relation to a redwood, change either myself or the redwood?
Answers to these questions are to be lived as oneself. Answering questions is theory. What is lived is law.

Jack's video "introduction to desteni" gave me a moment of "pause" when he talked about self-honesty. He said that self-honesty, from a mind's standpoint can never deliver one through process, or something to that effect.

I thought I understood that point, but I haven't yet stopped the mind, and yet I've been trying to get to a point of equality as a mind consciousness system. Oblivious, to what I was actually doing. Moving as a mind consciousness system can only perpetuate that system.

Stopping the mind...stop participating in the values, judgments, and assumptions, within this moment here. Remain here. Here is where I reside. See what is here. I am here.

Remaining here, without consciously trying to remain here, because within trying to remain here, knowledge is accessed as something separate from me.

To just let go of knowledge and to actually be here as who I actually am should not require anything whatsoever. Therefore it is not something that can be obtained or taken away, it just is. But knowing this and moving from that point of knowledge is not moving as life, but as knowledge. Something that is fixed and rigid, because behind it all is a clinging to knowledge; knowledge that does not apply to what is here, because what is here is ME.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use knowledge as my starting point, instead of who I am here.

Just like using a map to navigate, the map is useless until one's location is first established.

The point that comes up is Desteni. Like I've been testing the waters, and haven't decided on getting in, and actually swimming and immersing myself within and as process.

It is within the current relationship in which I have defined, that holds me back. I've been lacking self-trust because I have not stood like I believed I would. From a mind's perspective is born self-deceit.

I've been hesitant to express exactly who I am here because a fear of backlash. I already have the tools available to stand.

There is such a huge resistance to expressing, out of fear of shame and fear of failure.

I must prove to myself that I can be trusted, in whatever way is the most efficient way for that to be real as myself. To walk through this process for myself.

I've found for me that it has been ineffective to first say what my intentions are. Because that often implies that I am in an imaginary future within the mind. Therefore, already failing to live up to the original intention. Like in the case of me trying to walk process, and claiming or implying that now I'm going to really start process with fervor.

To start process implies that I am not already engaged in process.

The things that I have wanted to happen with regards to my relationship with desteni has not played out like the movie in my head. I was looking for something more idealistic than what has been occuring, and this is the background interpretation of reality that has become part of my being.

So there is an underlying disappointment and unsatisfied existence, because I've been completely distracted by the imaginary relationships that I attempt to cultivate and preserve.

One could say that I fear being rejected for not standing as the words I speak. Because, thus far, I have not proved to myself that I can stand or that I even have the will to stand; and that is key to being effective within process.

The key to standing? Stand. Self-trust is inevitable if one keeps standing.

I heard someone say to put others first before yourself. How about put everyone first instead?

As I started this blog entry, I realized that the reason that I wanted to write, was to "gather evidence" in an attempt to become well versed and be able to present common sense points, accurately and precisely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "be careful" about how I present a point.

If it is best for everyone involved, then any objections will be from those that are deluded. So being "careful" will only present to the world, reality, which is that I am "carefully"
maneuvering. Not "natural". Unreal, and therefore also deluded, because I can only see what I am presenting, and not what I actually am.

I have often come to write in order to capture a realization or certain "truths" that can be counted upon as valid information. And it is just that. Information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to collect information, with an intent to present it as information at a later time, to persuade another into seeing what is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what is real needs to be presented in a certain manner, such as coaxing someone into seeing reality.

What is real already stands as what is real. If one cannot already see what is real, then it is very unlikely that it can be explained anyway. Not coaxing. But living within and as this reality, here within every moment.

Can reality really be explained to someone? A ridiculous notion, to those who already manufacture another world in which is only "real" to them.

Likewise, if I do not represent what is real, then it is impossible to convey any "message of reality." Duh.

Really, one can only see for oneself, and then do what is necessary to be done. That IS the message. What it is that I am here. That is the only message that I can ever communicate. The message is me. Hehehehe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the pattern of thinking that I must fix the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn away from who I am here, and focus on what is out there, and apparently needs "fixing", according to the pattern that I have established for myself as myself.

I don't 'really' want "the search" to be over. An automated drive to find out what is happening, even though there is nothing to find out. I have not been able to accept that there is nowhere but here. Even though there is an actual world here in which to interact, the pattern has been to search for everything that does not exist here.





When put it that context, its an absolutely pointless pursuit; it can never be realized, because the nature of its "existence" is that it does not exist.

This relationship thingy; the desire to be desired and be treated as the most important thing on the planet is so ingrained. I see it within almost every thought that comes up. It's a desire to cultivate others' opinions and ideas of me; which is an attempt to give myself worth, according to the world's view of worth.

Buying into the idea that opinions are real and have real worth.


Really, I've seen potential relationships with beings at Desteni as being more important than the process of self-realization. It is almost comical that I didn't catch it from the start, but honestly, I put too much value into the prospect of having 'real' friends, to realize what I was actually doing.

So I find myself in what I see as a sort of paradox; I want support, but with support, I find that if I am not aware, that the "relationship potential construct" is activated and process takes a back seat, while presenting self as "worthy" becomes the main focus.

I've previously recognized that I was creating a codependent relationship with my sister, a few years ago, in which I could call her up and she would "be there" for me to talk about how difficult it was to be me.
It gave both of us a sense of worth. Her for "being there" and me for being a "deep, sensitive, introspective" person. Obviously, that same system is still in place.

Relationships based upon the image that I have wished to portray unto the world. This is at the core of the self-judgment construct. A constant monitoring of "status" within the relationship goes hand in hand with self-judgment.

For instance, if I were learning to walk, and someone was there to assist me in learning to walk, then walking would take a back seat, because having someone there to support me would be given more value than actually walking.

So this "learning time" becomes my modus operandi, and actually walking is something that will never happen, because it is a closed loop, and 'walking' is not a part of the loop. Actually walking would imply that "learning time" is over, which translates to the end of a relationship. This whole construct is based upon building and maintaining realtionships, and within that construct, I will never walk, because I am not willing to "give up" on the relationship in order to do so.

Who I am here has been totally disregarded because what I 'have' or 'don't have' has held my attention instead.