Okay, next point, fear of confrontation, where I am concerned with being the definition of a nice guy. The most frustrating thing for me has been trying to get people to hear. So, I see that I am scared of losing relationships, and it just occurred to me that a relationship is based in the past, a definition, attached to a concept of who a person is perceived to be, and in which "he" is defined by the terms of the relationship, itself. Maintaining a relationship, holds both people within a repeating pattern of boundaries, treaties, and mutually accepted self-dishonesty.

Since I feared losing a relationship, I have compromised who I am in order to establish rules, which is an agreement that we will both allow each other to live within specifc limited ways of interacting that allows us both to deceive ourselves, and fortify the enslavement of the other. In that way, we become intertwined within a repeating pattern, and eventually get sick and tired of the living within the boundaries of those limitations and self-abuse. Because the relationship is based upon suppression, before long, someone breaks one of the rules or boundaries that were established. This creates animosity, followed by spite, and voila; a variation of of the same cycle is born.

The initial aim starts as a conquest to enslave another being to me. Of course, I also enslave myself in the process, and because I am so disgusted in myself for not standing as myself , the relationship goes toward the downswing side, and I just want out of the abusive cycle. So then I look for ways out of this cycle, which leads to more abuse in the form of sabotage. Within this mindset, apparently I am getting revenge for taking advantage of my "kindness". While in reality, I started the cycle of abuse upon myself to begin with, by my allowance and agreement of it to begin.

This appears to be the beginning of the end of my relationships. Self-dishonest beings do not wish to be exposed, and self-honest beings expose dishonesty, so resistance in hearing what is actually being said is inevitable.

The relationships I currently have will all fail, because I do not allow limitation of self by participating in the pre-existing pattern, that has been established from the beginning. This will leave leave me with nothing left to lose of a relationship, so that I can establish a new agreement, which is self-honesty in every moment of every breath.

But the relationship only exists within myself, as a defintion in which I am clinging to. The moment I let go of the effort required to maintain a relationship is the moment that the relationship is dead.

It is frustrating for me when I perceive myself to be waiting for a person to see. In my impatience with the natural outflow of events, I find that I become restless, instead of realizing that I am this physical HERE. For some, it will require that the physical conditions become so unbearably uncomfortable, before they will realize that the physical reality is the only issue of any substance. Conditions will have to reach to a level of universal economic collapse, so that the physical suffering is significant enough to be felt by the elites of this world, and an equal money system is agreed upon.

Until we can all agree that the physical is who we are, and that what is allowed within the physical is what we allow ourselves to become, we will all continue to suffer.

I've working with the point of self-judgment, and in an SRA session, it was indicated that the word piousness was related to the main way that I judge myself. I looked it up, and it means diligence. I will say that achievement or the appearance of achievement has held my attention greatly.



The system functions from the starting point of proving to the world that I am worth more than I believe myself to be. Because I have been pretty convincing in my charade, and when the image that I have portrayed begins to be accepted by the world, I know that what I am being accepted as is merely what I have pretended to be, and so from this, I find myself striving to maintain the "superior" image that I have created to act as me.



The pressure I put on myself to achieve exists because I know that who I am does not match the 'diligent' image construct that I have pretended to be. So, hiding the incongruency of my image when compared to that of who I actually am, or who I believe myself to be, has been a priority for me. This also reveals some of the reason that I have bounced around so much in my activities, which is because within a given activity, I have wished to display the illusion of diligence. So when I have been confident that my diligent image is secure, then that is when I have moved onto creating the next illusion.


The word pious, after reading more on the definition, is associated with religion. A devoutness or dutiful.

Who am I primarily concerned with appearing pious?

Desteni? No

Family? Yes

Is there a particular member of the family that is the primary intended recipient of my projected image? YES

Mother? YES


It is really a clever little system. I have believed that I could place the image out there as myself, and that if I could get people to treat me as that image, that it would somehow change me into that image.
In a sense, it is somewhat true that I would become the image, because if one interacts as an image, then self is being denied, and illusion and deception are nurtured, while self lies inactive. In essence, dead or nonexistent.


From my mom, I have sensed great hopes and expectations for me to become something or someone special, and in my mind, I have fallen short of those expectations. Seeing approval on her face has been my greatest treasure. Gosh, I'm such a hurt little boy.



I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that who I am will always fall short mom's acceptance of me as myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself for so long.


I forgive myself that I have judged myself to be unacceptable, and have allowed myself to try and 'make up' for who I am by creating an image in which to be judged by.


I forgive myself that I have not even allowed myself to give myself and the world an opportunity to accept me for who I am, because I had already decided that who I am would not be enough to be accepted.


I had already defeated myself before I even began. I expose myself, all of me here. ALL OF ME.


The image is a ploy to present such a believable image of diligence, so that way I can say, "I try my very best, and I am such a good person, but the world does not recognize my 'specialness'". Subconsciously, creating situations in which I am a victim of circumstance to get sympathy. In that way, I have sought out 'hardship' so that my 'piousness' can be recognized against the contrasting situation. They call it Munchhausen Syndrome, when somebody purposely hurts himself to gain sympathy from other people.


It is the "no risk" method of success. So that if I succeed, then great, but even if I don't, then the illusion is placed there as an "alternative" success, because at least I "tried" my "hardest" against such difficult conditions. The reward is "love" and admiration from others, which I have held in highest reverence.

Since I've become more aware of this self-judgment construct, I've noticed that I've been able to 'forget' about maintaining an image, and show myself as ALL of who I am here. It's cool in a "the jig is up" kind of way. I've been lying this whole time, and it's time I show the secret that I've been hiding, which is me. Funny as it seems, I've also used "honesty" as a defense mechanism and "self-awarded" image booster.
I remember walking into Bartlett High school, after my "enlightenment" with LSD in Oregon, where I peered "honestly" into the eyes of a kid, in order to display my newly acquired confidence. To my delight, his eyes quickly avoided mine, and I could not wait to show everybody how fucking awesome my new image was.

What I have viewed as the single most influential event in my life(LSD enlightenment) has been once again, just another scheme to be loved and admired. I caught a glimpse of a shadow of equality, but the allure and importance that I had placed upon being loved and admired easily gained priority status. I knew the whole time that I was only presenting an image, and even though I thought that 'bringing out the best in everybody', was key in bringing about paradise, the fact was that I was only concerned with being recognized as one of the GREATEST who ever lived.

No more. I do not allow myself to support the existence of myself as an image. I am here to share me as who I am, for all to see.

I just did a short SRA session, and it tested that there are points of judgment linked to expression. I just tried it again, and came up with the same result. I then tested for,
1. family
2.friends
3.strangers
4.self
It tested that self-judgment linked to expression is my primary pattern. Whether or not it actually worked, or if I was influencing the results, is unclear. But I did repeated tests and more than not, it tested that self-judgment of expression is the primary pattern.

Bruce L, told me months and months ago, that my nature has almost completely become that of judgment. I am not always aware of the many ways that I judge myself, because it has become "me", thus it seems "natural" and ordinary to judge myself.
I am aware that there is a system that monitors my behavior, to give a "value" or a measure of "success" within most anything that I do.

Almost nothing I have done, gets done without automatically measuring success of a particular action. So much so that judgment accompanies action almost always. Calculations and formulas to quantify an action. As if one moment can be considered more valuable than another.

There is a dynamic that I am currently experiencing, specifically, I find myself in exactly the same situation as so many times within this lifetime. My mind wants to know where and how I fit in, based upon some kind of hierarchy. So when I find that my 'rank' within a hierarchy does not agree with what I have defined as acceptable, I have usually either distanced myself from that particular group, or done anything necessary to be considered one of the elites.

There is a strange paradox within what I "want". On the one hand I want to be accepted as part of a group, and on the other hand, I want to do whatever the hell I please. I find that I jump back and forth between two extremes on most issues. Sometimes I want everything, and sometimes I want nothing, and I find myself wandering in between, going one direction, and then all of a sudden switching to the complete other extreme.

I've been looking for a definition of myself, and when that definition starts to get accepted as me, then that's when I begin feeling trapped in a limited definition, so I move to change and morph that definition into something that I think might attract more love and acceptance.

I experience it all as being almost there, constantly. It is like having no home, desperately seeking a home, yet at the same time fearing the limitation within being bound to a particular place. It is the same with relationships, and really every aspect of my life. So I find myself in "limbo" often, because I have placed myself there. Which, as it turns out, has been my lifelong placement and pattern. For instance, I want help, but I don't want to be an inconvenience, so often I will just keep quiet and do it myself.

So this has created a duality within me, what I "want" to express is what I fear the most, because it is truly me, and I have not wanted to subject myself to the possibility that someone may not like me or approve of me. So I have hidden me, behind a personality, so that I do not have to expose myself to judgment. I fear judgment because, I have already judged myself, and convicted myself for being me, and I have been quite convinced that if I were to expose myself, then the true me, which I have judged to be inadequate, would be revealed.

Self-judgment as less than ideal. That is what I have judged and believed myself to be. So I have compensated for my "less than" idea of myself by seeking out excellence and running from failure.

Because I have treated my thoughts as truth, I believed the truth has been that I will never be enough. It is a statement that I have made to myself, and not even been aware, because I have assumed it to be true, without question.

Because I have carried this definition with me, as myself, and have completely believed in my own definition of myself as 'less than', My life has been entirely about gaining acceptance from the world, as a personality, because I believed that who I am could never be accepted. I have "known" this for as long as I can remember, and that is exactly why I have been on a mission to create and project a personality that I believed would be more readily accepted by the world.

I have never been enough for me, and this is why I have strong tendencies toward proving myself to the world. Because I have believed myself to be unacceptable, I have tried to gain acceptance by showing the world my talents and impressing as many people as possible with my wonderful personality.
That has not gotten the results that I have been looking for, so the other extreme is to just drop out when I realize that my all of my feats of talent and all of the energy that has been "invested" in personality has gotten me no more acceptance than when I started.

It is a simple cycle of "I'll show everybody that I am valuable." and then when it seems I have failed, the statement changes to, "Everybody can go FUCK OFF!"

I accept myself here, as all that I am here. Judgment not necessary, or acceptable.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at all of the ways that I could be judged and have avoided expressing myself unconditionally, out of fear for being judged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge every action of myself as a quantity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blend in to the scenery, so that I do not have to subject myself to judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can quantify myself as a 'value'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as "proving" that I have worth.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept myself for who I am, entirely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself in any way. That only limits me to that in which I think I am.

The word stupid pops up, and all of the negative connotations related such as 'strange' or 'awkward'. I have always had a great fear of ever being in a situation in which I could be described as stupid, strange or awkward.

I've always felt strange around people, as if the spot light was always on me. Much of it, and probably more than I am aware of, is having an Vietnamese mother, also my dad is "strange", in that he has little or no friends. He says his only friend is Arch Hall, a friend from the service. I have wanted to separate myself from any associations to "strange". Of course, as a child I could see that my parents both considered themselves strange or out of place.

Really, after the age of about 8, I became ashamed of my parents. My mom, being a strange Vietnamese woman, and my Dad being a loner nerd. When she remarried Wayne, my step dad, I thought of him as my "cool" dad, and absolutely adored him. He was into everything that I was into, and I was into everything he was into. If ever there was a hero, there was none greater than Daddy Wayne. He liked Kung Fu, skateboarding, surfing, windsurfing, hang gliding, Budhism, rock climbing, science, art, skiing, kayaking, math, computers, sailing, building, guitar, Japanese culture, ice climbing, swimming, mechanics, travel, and on and on...

He was everything that I wanted to be, and I enjoyed every moment I got to spend with him. Then when I was about 13 or 14 he told me that they were getting divorced. That was one of the saddest moments in my life. I was really lost, and I was going to be going to a new school again. Moving schools was an often occurrence, and I dreaded being the new kid over and over.

I've always wondered what is the appropriate way to act, and I have built my personality around an idea of 'universal appropriateness'. In essence, a popularity contest, in an effort to be liked, and becoming whatever I deemed necessary to be accepted as "one of us". So really, my personality, is the best design that I have come up with to accumulate more adoring fans, and that has been the game all along.

Like experimenting with different fishing lures, and when I find the one that is catching the most fish, that is the one I would choose to fish with. My personality/personalities are selected just as a different conditions require different lures, sinkers, and leaders by a fisherman. Just a tackle box full of personality, used to attract acceptance.

There is a sense of "value" within. This implies inequality, and means that there is a comparison/value system program that I have allowed myself to be subject to. In that, the world is and everything that is witnessed, is only seen as an event in comparison to something else. There is no innocence, in this, because one's vision is distorted by knowledge. One's attention being focused upon exactly how one "measures up" within what ever it is that is being done.
It is a constant struggle to gain the next level of worthiness, endlessly.
The startling reality is that we all know from within, what it is that we do, and whether or not it supports self to have an equal opportunity/voice within existence. Likewise, to support equality of self, directly influences existence to recognize equality of us all.

We all know, and these are our little strongholds of power that we refuse to discard, because it is what we have seen as our own little strategic advantage over the masses. We do this...

I have a real beef with religion, especially, Christianity, and I see such obvious lies that people accept as truth. What better way to keep people blinded to what is actually happening, than to say, "I am God. Things will really, really, really turn to shit just before I come back to save everybody." ? Of course, everybody will look around and say, "yup, things are getting worse, guess that means we're all gonna be saved soon. Or at least the ones that have followed God."

It is implied that we have no power over our own destiny. That it is written, and therefore, nothing can be done to improve this shit world until God decides that we've endured enough suffering and abuse, and finally save us.

There is absolutely no responsibility within that context. The goal is to be saved, yet no one told us that that is impossible to be saved. Self MUST prove to self that self is of any substance, before self will allow self to remain existing. We co-create this existence, through our acceptance of it. Because, there exist beings that are committed to equality, eventually, all that will remain will exist as an equal expression of the whole, in that equality is the accepted reality, and inequality seems just as inconceivable as equality seems today.

We have underestimated our effect upon existence, just as God has underestimated that his creation would be equal to him. We are equivalent to that in which we create or allow. The misconception has been that our creations are less than and separate from us. Just as we have not understood that we have an enormous effect upon everything being the way that it is. Because we have all agreed upon this existence as 'just the way it is', and have not wanted to examine all the many ways that we contribute to this as an accepted reality, because most certainly it would mean that one could not possibly self-honestly continue to participate in a "what's in it for me?" agenda. Perhaps a better practice would be a "what's in it for everybody?" "agenda".

We each have a mind, which is same program runs within each of us. The seeming individuality, is nothing more than different default setting according DNA and any other data that has become part of the program, such as birth place, social status, money, etc. So depending upon the data, one being will have access to resources, while another will not. Because we are obedient to the program and the unequal data therein (the mind), not surprisingly, inequality is what is expressed amongst us all.

It is not a level playing field, and has been designed that way. Those that have exclusive access, want to maintain that exclusive status, and equality does not exist within the program. It is evident within thoughts themselves. Thoughts revolve around 'value', a particular 'value' must be maintained, according to the mind. So when a certain 'value' does not equate to the perceived 'correct value', the program automatically responds by equalizing itself. This is why we find ourselves in the same situations over and over again. The "correct" value is elusive, and our search for the correct value is the core program that has not changed, only different data is plugged in, and the same program responds according to the new data. As the mind, one is limited to the structure of mind, whose core application is maintaining a definition/value of itself within this world, and therefore results in a constant stream of inequality to be distributed, because a struggle to become greater or lesser is employed within that "equalization" to achieve the 'correct value', according to one's perception of correct.

So, within that, one exists as program in a particular location. It seems as if one actually makes progress, but it is much more likely that, the scenery and location are the only thing that really changes. In reality, one just learns how to manipulate the scenery so that the program runs 'more smoothly'. Attempting to change the exterior, to suit the interior's preference. Although, it might seem as if one might be concerned with another, it is not considered that "caring" is part of the program, wherein, one does not really care about another, but only cares about following the program's instructions to "care".

If one really cared, he would investigate each and every thought and action, and the eternal consequences of what is actually being permitted to exist.

Protecting a way of life, by way of ignorance. It is an attempt at self-trickery, to justify how one is living.
_____________________________________________________________

I sense that I am running as a program. I experience it as having to attain completeness, so that I can finally be satisfied. Just as if I am continually updating to the latest version. Within that, I am only following instructions to fulfill a whimsical notion of what would supposedly make life more satisfying. The idea or notion that I am to begin with, unsatisfied, is at the core as to why I seek fulfillment in the first place.

There is an escapist personality that I have created as myself. Within that personality suit, I wish to remain responsible only to myself. To blaze my own trail, so to speak, or rather to challenge myself to things that I know that I can achieve, and make it real. This has given me a sense of accomplishment. But it is not really any sort of accomplishment, it is only my own obedience to a system that rewards me with a sense of accomplishment, according to how the system defines accomplishment.

It is a conglomeration of reasons that advocate why I have been doing what I have been doing. It is all so twisted and thwarted and intertwined, so it all just appears as a big tangled mess, that would take much more effort than to just allow the personality to assume directive authority.

I fear limitation, yet from that fear, is born limitation. What are some things that I fear?

1. Commitment to anything, which is tied to fear of failure. Fear of failure because I fear rejection. I fear rejection, so there is a defense mechanism that has been created. It is to remain detached, in the likely event that I will be "abandoned". There is a real fear of being let down by the world, in general. In my mind, I have been let down by many people, in many ways. So in essence, it is an attempt at eliminating the burden of hope and expectations of a relationship. Trying to disappear, so that no one has to be disappointed in each others' abuse. Because I know that we will never be able to live up to others' expectations, dropping out seems like it could be a viable solution.

While in jail, I knew that I was "protected" in that I knew that everybody knew that I was truly allowing and advocating one's best equally, and that even if we don't know individually, collectively, as a whole, we all know the truth of the other. There is a physical communication/interaction, in which reality is understood at a physical level, instantly, before it goes through a filter of a mind, and becomes merely an interpretation. We all know the truth of us all, and that is too frightening to consider as fact because it would destroy our illusory secret dwellings within the mind. It would mean that we are all exposed to each other, and that it rarely accepted as a possibility.

Also, that which is before us, because it includes everybody, seems like a "restrictive" path, in the sense that it appears to be a "straight and narrow", suppressive type of life. Although, this is not the case, it is the idea that I will no longer be able to so and so...that keeps me restricted to the system, that I have known as "me". Cycles of hyperactivity and enthusiasm coupled with a complete disinterest in existence. Because, I know that I have become a slave to the systems/personalities that I have been programmed with. So from that comes a hopelessness, and admission of self-defeat, in that I cannot maintain a "certain lifestyle", that has been born out ideas of what must be "sacrificed" or maintained.

It is almost funny that self-honesty can be seen as a sacrifice, since the only alternative is self-deception. As ridiculous as it seems, that is what we have chosen. self-deception over self-honesty because we would rather remain oblivious that we have been stabbing self in the back all along. It is all we know, and we would rather continue in our way of life, than to stop, because it is after all "who I am". How can I stop "who I am"?

This "who I am" is concerned with maintaining "who I am", and there is no realization that I am stabbing myself in the back, and if I do happen to realize that I am stabbing myself in the back, it still would not matter, because "who I am" would have no power to stop because that is apparently "who I am". Common sense would tell us that our belief/programming to stab self in the back, quite possibly, makes no sense and to stop. But within a belief system, there is a set of rules to follow, where common sense does not exist, because the belief program is running the show, and the first order is to maintain and preserve the belief that I am what I believe myself to be.

Why is it so important to believe in something? It either is or it isn't. So why such an emphasis on a belief in God in order to be saved? Belief or disbelief in God, in itself does not add or subtract to the actual existence of God. So why practice belief, if it has no effect upon reality? Belief is uncertain, because a belief may or may not be true, and no matter how irrational a belief maybe, people act according to what they believe, not what they see. We have believed that we are our beliefs. That seeing and believing are the same thing. To see a bird flying does not require one to believe that the bird can fly.
Within a belief, one has no access to reality, and belief has been substituted for reality. This way someone can live completely within a belief system in which what is taken for granted as reality, is nothing more than a fabrication. In this way, we can't even see what is going on right in front of us, because our beliefs block access to reality.

So why would God want for us to be powerless in a world of belief, where access to reality is not granted? Because God, in fact, has no power other than the power given to him, by our belief that he is almighty.

The concept of God is inherently flawed, simply because the idea of God implies that there is within existence, a measure of worth. God being the ultimate definition of greatness. Within that is an expression of 'greater than/less than'. A hierarchy of comparison MUST exist within an existence that includes a separate expression for God. This requires that one being have more importance and clout than another, which means that one being has more power over another being. This would mean that one being's will would override another being's will, according to status.

That is the current expression of existence within this world, which is the direct result of action based upon a belief that God exists as the highest of the high. Within this world, all that is expressed is rank. Within everything we can see it. Beings are not seen as what they are, but only as the rank they carry. This justifies abuse of 'lesser' beings, so that the more important, 'greater beings' can enjoy more perks at the expense of the 'lesser beings'. We all see it happening, yet our beliefs tell us that it is acceptable for 'lesser beings' to be treated a little worse because they are 'lesser' and do not deserve what the 'greater beings' deserve.

God above the rest, I mean, come on now. It's ridiculously obvious that along with the existence of God, that abuse will also exist. If there were a God, certainly he would not allow himself to remain existing as God, because he would realize that the existence of him as God creates abuse within existence. God is an impostor, just a powerless being that has gotten everybody convinced into supporting and allowing him to be God.

It would be comical if it weren't so sad that we have bought into the idea, without question and testing and common sense. Most of it is out of self-preservation, wanting to be one of the lucky ones, while the rest perish. We are made to be concerned with the potential mistreatment of ourselves for eternity, that we are unconcerned with the mistreatment of another, just as long as the abuse does not come our way. Yet, within this self-preservation, it is not realized that we are condoning abuse by turning away and ignoring the facts, because we will apparently be saved, if we just agree with God, and let him abuse as he sees fit. Fear based obedience. So nobody stands up because they're looking after their own asses to care enough about what happens to another, and within that, tacitly express abuse unto us all.

The illusion is that there is another. As if one can suffer without the whole suffering. We are commonly one physical expression. One. That is fact.

I haven't posted unconditionally because I have feared rejection, or challenge, or judgment. Because I know that I fear these things, I have "avoided", checking and double checking references and rewriting what might be misunderstood to have a different meaning than what I mean. It is all rooted is my search for love. To be loved by the world, to be praised, just as some "gods" have wanted for themselves. What a petty, meaningless desire. If I truly loved the world and myself then I would be that which supports life equally. I would be that action in fact, the walking breathing, love in action. Love is action. Not an emotion. Emotions are useless and self-serving non-action or reaction, i.e. dependent upon certain conditions in order to exist, and offers no solution to our current world of suffering and abuse and inequality.
Love is that which is being done, PRESENTLY, to support all to exist equally as equals and one. Love MUST support all as equals, because love could never be distributed unequally and still be considered love. That would imply scarcity, which implies possessiveness and abuse. Love is that which supports all to exist equally in every way, eternally. Everything else is abuse, and a compromise made to support an excuse as to why we allow abuse in any form or quantity.

Equal money for all, I just realized that that which exists physically that supports inequality, supports abuse. So many people have wanted to eradicate this 'evil money', but it is what we do with our money, and what we support with our contribution that promotes its evilness. Because money has been used out of fear and greed and personal gain, it has become the expression of abuse. So if money were used to promote equality and oneness, then that physical reality would be that money supports equality. Because in the instant that money supports equality, it becomes it, as a physical reality.

What do I do that contributes physically to inequality? and Anything within this world that supports abuse or inequality in any way, physically, can be physically directed to support all life equally. Until, the reality of each physical manifestation within this world is an expression of equality.

We are born into a world of debt, a system that requires that you learn to support the system, otherwise the system will not support you. Because, the system is conditional, our world supports only the spectrum of possibility in which you are not worthy of the system's support unless you first do something to support the system. However, the system's concern is only for maximum energy extraction from an individual to further support the system's continued existence. Where in a system that offers equal money for all, money takes a stand to support life unconditionally. That which is here, physically is the expression of existence. If the expression of existence happens to be of inequality in any way, then that would mean that there is an expression for 'more' and for 'less' that is being allowed to exist, physically here.

"What" it is that someone does, if it does not support oneness and equality in all ways, accepts this existence as allowing abuse to exist. This implies that one applies equality and oneness to all things. To be equal and one with self. Realizing that only self exists. That which I know to 'best' for me from within myself as I breathe me in. That which supports all life equally is the same thing that allows myself to trust that "I" am existence, and that I inherently understand equality already, but haven't allowed myself to trust in its stability.

Maybe more than any one point, I notice that in general, "self-image" comes up as a recurring tendency. It has been my 'go to' or default consideration upon undertaking a task. Image is important to me because, with the right image, one gains access to the many perks within this world. It has been important to me because, my only concern has been how much I can gain of the things that I have given worth.
Strange, but of everything that I would REALLY want, which in essence is self-acceptance, I must first give myself acceptance because self-acceptance is necessary for me, because it is my responsibility, and it is naturally my duty to be self-honest and a willingness to see who self is, and to make necessary behavior modifications, which would be to simply accept self within self-honesty and within forgiveness of the abuse that self has or is participating in.

Within moving from the starting point of gaining something for myself, I've already ensured that abuse in some form will occur. From the last year of investigation, I have found that upon the 'auto pilot' mode, there is no self-expression. It is merely programmed response to stimuli and supports a self-interested agenda. I have yet to find anything other than self-interest as the programming that I have allowed within.

Equal money for all. I have not really investigated it within. Some aversions to it are as follows:
Getting people to agree with it as a viable solution.
I don't really know if it is a viable solution. Perhaps it is the simplest, most direct route to oneness and equality. Due to the incurring collapse of the world wide economy, people may be more willing to listen if they have nothing. This moment, investigating within, I see there are points of concern for giving up some comforts to which I have become accustomed. One way or another, eventually, I will realize that the only way to for there to exist equality of myself with all the world is to, myself, be equal in supporting equality of and as myself, one and equal with the world as one and equal with me.