Not destroying what I have apparently established within my life and or building upon that establishment has been the core motivation of this life that I have been living. The worry that I may lose everything that I have so carefully balanced upon a teetering foundation, has kept me occupied, and prevented me from building upon what is immovable, here, as who and what I actually exist as.

Fears of estranging myself from others and losing established relationships has kept me away from self-expression.

Chasing relationships that do not support self-expression, born from a belief that if I don't conform and "prove" that I am everything that is likable and desirable then I will be left out in the cold, all alone. Unwilling to shed the barnacles that have accumulated in which I have so carefully supported to exist, so I that I do not have to fear being alone.

The fear of allowing relationships to be sloughed off, and to remain here as myself alone, streamlined, unencumbered by an energy-sapping balancing act is what has consumed all of my attention, and occupied me so completely, that I have nothing that supports self-expression.

I have failed to realize that what is immovable, here is the only foundation that has any stability in supporting that which is the indisputable self.

It is not as if I will really lose any relationships, but rather, the relationships will be built upon who I actually am, and reinforce, and facilitate what actually exists here as myself.

Not who I think I should be, but actually who is here. This plate-balancing existence is unsustainable, and only promotes more balancing. Yes, I will get better at balancing, which gives the illusion that I am improving self. In actuality, it only serves to extinguish the life that exist within and as myself.

I am seeing that I am living within and as anticipation of a new message from Christine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within and as anticipation of communicating with Christine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore this being here, and that I participate within and as anticipation of a future moment that will apparently fulfill an unfulfilled state of being that is accepted and allowed by me to exist within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe through the anticipation, and realize that I am here and that I am reinforcing patterns that I am existing as within this very moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise who I am within each and every moment because I have looked toward a future event to be the cure for my state of being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into a pattern of checking emails and checking Facebook so that I can pass the time until I finally get a message.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within and as anxiousness, because I have justified as only just a little anxiousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must go outside myself to gain fulfillment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that just accepting and allowing a little bit of anxiousness is just part of this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need a break from remaining here within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see self-investigation as a tiresome affair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to entertain myself with Youtube videos.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the patterns that do not support me to remain here within and as self-honesty.

This occupy wallstreet thing that has been happening is intriguing because, apparently, people are fed up with the system. Fed up, but with no real solution to the problem. "We want change" is the general message, yet there is no specific plan on what must change, or how it must change, or who is supposed to change it.
If people are looking for those in power to change the world, then obviously, they've already admitted that they are powerless to change it themselves, and exist merely at the mercy of those in power. It is easy to complain and protest about the injustices within this world, and point a finger of blame toward those that have been allowed to remain in privileged positions. But whose fault is it really? Because most people would rather not concern themselves with the inner workings of politics, and only squawk when they themselves are undeniably affected by the consequences of such a system to remain in place; the system remains in place.
Even if there is a world wide protest for things to change, and nobody stands and takes the necessary steps to ensure that a new system is implemented, things will remain the same.
The system has always been abusive and exclusive, but the majority of us that can make a difference have accepted it as okay, because we have not been one of the many people that are starving to death.
For us, it has been more of a nuisance, but not worth standing for those that are among the most abused and impoverished, because it is just a nuisance, and apparently it does not affect us that much. So it is accepted, because we are excluded from any real suffering, and complaining and protesting is about as far as any of us are willing to take it.
"Just give me back the shit I used to have, and I'll shut up and allow this system of abuse to continue. Because after all I'm getting what I want out of the deal, so the rest of the world can get fucked for all I care."

I've used blogs as a sort of confessional or tool to excuse myself from self-responsibility. For others to see, not just simply exposing myself, but efforts toward getting others to approve of my actions and who I am. As if to say, "look at me, I'm doing the right things."
I've been deathly scared of criticism or negative feedback, and so I haven't really exposed who I am. Only parts of me that support the image I have been so keen on proving, and releasing vlogs or blog that will promote positive feedback.
To be accepted as something that I believe will be well received. I've not wanted to be held accountable for my actions, so I've done things to disguise self as something else, and misconstrue the actual nature of who I am. Because I have seen who I am and I do actually realize that what I have allowed is unacceptable, yet I don't want to actually stand and take self-responsibility.
I've been too focused upon what I am losing, rather than who it is that I am and what it is that I am participating in.
Energy has been spent on getting people to believe in who I am portraying myself to be, as if that will somehow make me that. It's been like a constant explanation of me, instead of just exposing me so that all can see.
Likewise, it has been the same for myself, a constant explanation of who I am to myself, but obviously, there is no need to explain myself to me, because I am already that.
The major message that I have been telling myself and others is that I am greater than who I am. An impossibility, yet nonetheless, has infiltrated and directed me to do the things I have done through my own allowance of the belief that I can be something other than who I already am.
Looking at it here, shows me that virtually every action I have been involved in has been geared toward proving that I am greater than or something other than this being here. It should be blatantly obvious that that is not possible, and quite ridiculous and pointless to insinuate that I am anything, because it is self-evident who and what I am already.

Writing blogs for me has been very much about getting a pat on the back for doing so. As soon as I made my blog public, then I sought to appear as if I were being true and honest and all of the "good" and "noble" ways of being are those which I wished to display. Some points of self-honesty, but with and underlying base of "look at me" syndrome. Obviously, that ego driven existence is not living here as who I am, but rather living for a moment that does not even exist, except within an imagined future scenario.

A moment within my mind in which I am hailed and praised for my "loyal servitude" and showered with the certain type of attention that I have sought. Like every time I have gotten a reply to a blog or a vlog, a distinct "feeling" of accomplishment, as if I am worth something now, because of my deep introspection. Well disguised ego, as it turns out. Maybe not even well disguised, but easy to believe as a being that defines himself according to what I have done, instead of who I actually am, here.

It really permeates virtually everything that I have done, and it is only missed because it is the bulk of what consists of "me" or who I believe myself to be. The basis for "who I am."

Are my blogs entries actually an action that is sorting me out, an actual expression of who I am, or is it just another ploy to give the illusion that I am something more than who I am? I know the instant that I am participating in this self-judgment, but have been living upon the hope that I am better than that.

So much attention upon the content of what I am putting out there, and whether or not it can be misconstrued or judged wrongly, and what it comes down to is that someone will actually see me for who I am. Which is what I have feared from the beginning.

Some of the reasons for fear of exposure are:

Fear of exposure, fear of changing, fear of commitment, fear of losing my life that I have gotten so accustomed to, fear of giving up certain comforts or luxuries, fear of rejection, fear of judgment, fear of persecution. Each of these fears support the other fears to exist and are dependent upon on another to exist. So what it boils down to is that I fear the destruction of this being that I have come to know as "who I am." That equals fear of death, and oddly enough it also means that I fear life. The same exact fear in which I have separate definitions are the same thing. That is that i fear self, and self-exposure,because it means the death of "me."
Smother life so that death may not reach it. Interesting.

If we are not enjoying our existence, then there is 'something' that must be remedied, we are to come to an agreement that we are all participating in whatever it takes to make that a reality here in this very moment. Every moment.
The things that support those things that allow all beings to enjoy this moment here, eternally. Otherwise, it is only supports abuse of this existence, eternally.
Obviously for existence to enjoy itself, I must be an active participant within that existence, because I am existence.
So I "ask," am i enjoying this moment? If not, then what can I do that would promote enjoyment of this moment? It is possible. So I don't even have to ENTERtain any notions that it cannot be asCERTAINed.
Invariably, only one thing can equal my eternal enjoyment, and that can only be that all beings equally enjoy this moment here.
If it does not promote equal enjoyment of all beings within existence, eternally here, then obviously, it can not be 'enjoyment.' The "fruits" of an act can only bear fruit equal to the source from which it came. So it MUST be nothing except that which is and will always be the source of all beings' enjoyment.
Is it a chore to enjoy oneself? Is trying to enjoy oneself, enjoying oneself? Is searching for more enjoyment, enjoying oneself? No. Of course not, because if one were actually enjoying this moment, then it is already here, and does not have to be sought to be maintained, because it exists as it already. Nor can it be any other thing than the eternal enjoyment of all beings within existence. Which can only start here as that.
That is a unique, yet unlimited existence, and it cannot be acquired. Only lived as this moment. It is not even something that can be talked about because nothing else really could exist but that if it would exist at all. It wouldn't be talked about because there would be literally, NOTHING ELSE but it. Enjoyment.
So it wouldn't be enjoyment anymore, it would simply be existence.
SELF-enjoyment.
What is enjoyment but SELF. Self-honesty, self-intimacy.
It is the belief that it can be anything other than that that forbids its existence. "I'm trying to enjoy myself" is just an excuse to not allow enjoyment to exist within oneself, as oneself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to do things my way. At the same time, if I am to stand it has to be for myself, as myself.
I'm realizing that desteni has been drawing the proverbial line in the sand. Either you're with us or you're not. Weeding out fence sitters. It's an incredibly difficult thing for me to face on so many levels.
But, in essence, it boils down to ego. Still hanging onto the sense of being my own person and doing things in my own way, because somehow it appears more valuable to me.
There are ways that i can do it "my way" and it also be what is best for all. Because what is real is what originates from who I am within and as each moment. So it is always, "my way," already, and I can not claim that it anyone is responsible for the "way" I am.
To stand for equality for eternally, can only be proven throughout eternity. One moment here.
Ironically, I not actually 'being controlled', I've just been allowing it, because I've been clinging to that as an excuse as to why I do not stand.
I do see, but have pretended that I don't, so that I can continue as this charade. Just plain pretending that another reality exists. The one that I pretend to be real. That who I am is who I've pretended to be, and what I believe is real.