Tulugak blog

2011-10-03T15:34:00.000-07:00

This occupy wallstreet thing that has been happening is intriguing because, apparently, people are fed up with the system. Fed up, but with no real solution to the problem. "We want change" is the general message, yet there is no specific plan on what must change, or how it must change, or who is supposed to change it.
If people are looking for those in power to change the world, then obviously, they've already admitted that they are powerless to change it themselves, and exist merely at the mercy of those in power. It is easy to complain and protest about the injustices within this world, and point a finger of blame toward those that have been allowed to remain in privileged positions. But whose fault is it really? Because most people would rather not concern themselves with the inner workings of politics, and only squawk when they themselves are undeniably affected by the consequences of such a system to remain in place; the system remains in place.
Even if there is a world wide protest for things to change, and nobody stands and takes the necessary steps to ensure that a new system is implemented, things will remain the same.
The system has always been abusive and exclusive, but the majority of us that can make a difference have accepted it as okay, because we have not been one of the many people that are starving to death.
For us, it has been more of a nuisance, but not worth standing for those that are among the most abused and impoverished, because it is just a nuisance, and apparently it does not affect us that much. So it is accepted, because we are excluded from any real suffering, and complaining and protesting is about as far as any of us are willing to take it.
"Just give me back the shit I used to have, and I'll shut up and allow this system of abuse to continue. Because after all I'm getting what I want out of the deal, so the rest of the world can get fucked for all I care."

2011-10-02T21:05:00.000-07:00

I've used blogs as a sort of confessional or tool to excuse myself from self-responsibility. For others to see, not just simply exposing myself, but efforts toward getting others to approve of my actions and who I am. As if to say, "look at me, I'm doing the right things."
I've been deathly scared of criticism or negative feedback, and so I haven't really exposed who I am. Only parts of me that support the image I have been so keen on proving, and releasing vlogs or blog that will promote positive feedback.
To be accepted as something that I believe will be well received. I've not wanted to be held accountable for my actions, so I've done things to disguise self as something else, and misconstrue the actual nature of who I am. Because I have seen who I am and I do actually realize that what I have allowed is unacceptable, yet I don't want to actually stand and take self-responsibility.
I've been too focused upon what I am losing, rather than who it is that I am and what it is that I am participating in.
Energy has been spent on getting people to believe in who I am portraying myself to be, as if that will somehow make me that. It's been like a constant explanation of me, instead of just exposing me so that all can see.
Likewise, it has been the same for myself, a constant explanation of who I am to myself, but obviously, there is no need to explain myself to me, because I am already that.
The major message that I have been telling myself and others is that I am greater than who I am. An impossibility, yet nonetheless, has infiltrated and directed me to do the things I have done through my own allowance of the belief that I can be something other than who I already am.
Looking at it here, shows me that virtually every action I have been involved in has been geared toward proving that I am greater than or something other than this being here. It should be blatantly obvious that that is not possible, and quite ridiculous and pointless to insinuate that I am anything, because it is self-evident who and what I am already.

2011-10-02T17:29:00.000-07:00

Writing blogs for me has been very much about getting a pat on the back for doing so. As soon as I made my blog public, then I sought to appear as if I were being true and honest and all of the "good" and "noble" ways of being are those which I wished to display. Some points of self-honesty, but with and underlying base of "look at me" syndrome. Obviously, that ego driven existence is not living here as who I am, but rather living for a moment that does not even exist, except within an imagined future scenario.

A moment within my mind in which I am hailed and praised for my "loyal servitude" and showered with the certain type of attention that I have sought. Like every time I have gotten a reply to a blog or a vlog, a distinct "feeling" of accomplishment, as if I am worth something now, because of my deep introspection. Well disguised ego, as it turns out. Maybe not even well disguised, but easy to believe as a being that defines himself according to what I have done, instead of who I actually am, here.

It really permeates virtually everything that I have done, and it is only missed because it is the bulk of what consists of "me" or who I believe myself to be. The basis for "who I am."

Are my blogs entries actually an action that is sorting me out, an actual expression of who I am, or is it just another ploy to give the illusion that I am something more than who I am? I know the instant that I am participating in this self-judgment, but have been living upon the hope that I am better than that.

So much attention upon the content of what I am putting out there, and whether or not it can be misconstrued or judged wrongly, and what it comes down to is that someone will actually see me for who I am. Which is what I have feared from the beginning.

Some of the reasons for fear of exposure are:

Fear of exposure, fear of changing, fear of commitment, fear of losing my life that I have gotten so accustomed to, fear of giving up certain comforts or luxuries, fear of rejection, fear of judgment, fear of persecution. Each of these fears support the other fears to exist and are dependent upon on another to exist. So what it boils down to is that I fear the destruction of this being that I have come to know as "who I am." That equals fear of death, and oddly enough it also means that I fear life. The same exact fear in which I have separate definitions are the same thing. That is that i fear self, and self-exposure,because it means the death of "me."
Smother life so that death may not reach it. Interesting.

2011-08-09T21:21:00.000-07:00

If we are not enjoying our existence, then there is 'something' that must be remedied, we are to come to an agreement that we are all participating in whatever it takes to make that a reality here in this very moment. Every moment.
The things that support those things that allow all beings to enjoy this moment here, eternally. Otherwise, it is only supports abuse of this existence, eternally.
Obviously for existence to enjoy itself, I must be an active participant within that existence, because I am existence.
So I "ask," am i enjoying this moment? If not, then what can I do that would promote enjoyment of this moment? It is possible. So I don't even have to ENTERtain any notions that it cannot be asCERTAINed.
Invariably, only one thing can equal my eternal enjoyment, and that can only be that all beings equally enjoy this moment here.
If it does not promote equal enjoyment of all beings within existence, eternally here, then obviously, it can not be 'enjoyment.' The "fruits" of an act can only bear fruit equal to the source from which it came. So it MUST be nothing except that which is and will always be the source of all beings' enjoyment.
Is it a chore to enjoy oneself? Is trying to enjoy oneself, enjoying oneself? Is searching for more enjoyment, enjoying oneself? No. Of course not, because if one were actually enjoying this moment, then it is already here, and does not have to be sought to be maintained, because it exists as it already. Nor can it be any other thing than the eternal enjoyment of all beings within existence. Which can only start here as that.
That is a unique, yet unlimited existence, and it cannot be acquired. Only lived as this moment. It is not even something that can be talked about because nothing else really could exist but that if it would exist at all. It wouldn't be talked about because there would be literally, NOTHING ELSE but it. Enjoyment.
So it wouldn't be enjoyment anymore, it would simply be existence.
SELF-enjoyment.
What is enjoyment but SELF. Self-honesty, self-intimacy.
It is the belief that it can be anything other than that that forbids its existence. "I'm trying to enjoy myself" is just an excuse to not allow enjoyment to exist within oneself, as oneself.

2011-05-18T02:07:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to do things my way. At the same time, if I am to stand it has to be for myself, as myself.
I'm realizing that desteni has been drawing the proverbial line in the sand. Either you're with us or you're not. Weeding out fence sitters. It's an incredibly difficult thing for me to face on so many levels.
But, in essence, it boils down to ego. Still hanging onto the sense of being my own person and doing things in my own way, because somehow it appears more valuable to me.
There are ways that i can do it "my way" and it also be what is best for all. Because what is real is what originates from who I am within and as each moment. So it is always, "my way," already, and I can not claim that it anyone is responsible for the "way" I am.
To stand for equality for eternally, can only be proven throughout eternity. One moment here.
Ironically, I not actually 'being controlled', I've just been allowing it, because I've been clinging to that as an excuse as to why I do not stand.
I do see, but have pretended that I don't, so that I can continue as this charade. Just plain pretending that another reality exists. The one that I pretend to be real. That who I am is who I've pretended to be, and what I believe is real.

2011-05-03T00:56:00.000-07:00

yes, if one deals with the consequences of one's actions here, then the action and the consequence are one and the same.
what one does here IS the the immediate consequence of one's actions. It is what one becomes, what one allows self to exist as; within existence.
I've certain statements to be crucial information, and I'm now realizing that it really is about who I am here. then it is instantaneously a reality.

2011-05-01T12:09:00.000-07:00

Looking at the point of Christianity. The vast majority of christians believe that in order to be a christian, one must believe in the bible, and everything in the bible. But if we have a look at the bible, it is other people telling stories about god and jesus, and what not. None of the central figures actually had any part in authoring what is in the bible.

So the bible is a handful of stories from individual perspectives, and the way that each of them interpret what happened, and the meaning behind what happened. Now, how is that any different than me giving my perspectives on my friend Steve. Can I truly give anyone an accurate description of what Steve stood for and who Steve was without it being tainted with my own subjective observations?

Not any different than the media today. It is all presented as a point of view; interpretation, perception, assumption.

Did Jesus ever say he was God? If he did, from what context was he speaking? If he said, "do unto others as one would have done unto oneself," and lived the words he spoke, then God, in the bible, is not equal to the message of Jesus.

The message of equality; I am You are me. We are equal. IN FACT, all equally god of what is allowed within existence as oneself. If the message is not equality, then it is not Jesus' message.

2011-04-30T22:40:00.000-07:00

getting caught up on changing the world by controlling the circumstance, and not realizing that one is frustrated because one can't make what is impossible possible.

It is impossible to change another or the circumstance. Getting frustrated and fed up with another or the circumstance at hand is allowing others to control who one is. Relinquishing self-control altogether.

it is a stating that I need circumstances need to be exactly as I wish them to be, otherwise I am not happy...satisfied, etc.

It's all just ideals that I have seen are possible, yet will only exist if I exist when things are "perfect." That is a moment that does not exist. What is here exists; common sense. So 'how' am I existing here? Eternally here?

I cannot control the situation, I can only remain true to who I am here. Things are eternally changing, and if I allow any situation change who I am here, then I am actually just nothing at all, because I exist as nothing, standing for nothing.

2011-04-29T22:15:00.000-07:00

There's a peculiar feeling, a feeling or perhaps a belief that there is something to achieve. Something that hasn't quite yet been reached. This is the thing that has driven me to follow its promptings. Even though I have "understood" that fact, that something outside of me is driving me, I have just accepted it as who i am.

Within that, I am coincidentally existing as "not yet here", because it is obvious that within that belief, I have 'created' my existence to be that of "not yet here." Therefore, what is actually here is disregarded in exchange for what I believe instead. Which means that I only exist within and as a belief. Not who or what I am, only illusion.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I have to get somewhere. I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am what I believe myself to be - incomplete, 'not yet arrived'. I am here, I have always been here. I have arrived where I have taken myself or allowed myself to be taken, and that is here.

til here no further. There is simply no other way that one can be within reality as reality.
All this stuff that I am writing is only information. As I'm writing as who I am here, that is the only matter; who I am here.

"Yeah but..." - the justification and allowance of self to continue without self-responsibilty. to continue participation in "new" and 'curious' trains of thoughts. Knowledge without action - useless.

The action is here. This being's action here.

2011-04-23T10:45:00.000-07:00

This process of writing in my blog should be about me discovering me. I've noticed that I've been reserved when it comes to just writing without censoring what it is that I actually am going through, because of a perceived need to be correct in what I say.

It's conditioning from far back, like when I raised my hand in class and got the correct answer. A sense of accomplishment for being correct. I am better than the others that 'don't know' mentality. A general feeling of superiority.

Much of my aim behind doing blogs has been that same drive to show the class that I am "smart," and therefore superior. So it has been mandatory to make sure that I only raise my hand when I'm really sure that I have the correct answer. Logically speaking, the more that I answer correctly, the more everyone will see that indeed I am one of the smartest.

I can think back to maybe fifth grade when Mrs. Marsh would give us opportunities to answer questions, and I would raise my hand on almost every question, and that made me feel special. That specialness that warrants special treatment from others, which is the core of my relationship patterns.

That is key, because it is what I have been seeking within my interaction within the world. Literally, every move has had the goal of "proving" that I'm special, and that has been the prime motivatior in regards to my involvement with desteni.

Seeking acceptance and approval from desteni, so I've done things to 'show' that I am onboard, but that means that the starting point is seeking acceptance and approval.

The only acceptance is self-acceptance, and I have yet to remain here as who I am, because I have believed that who I am here is not enough.

Not enough? A ridiculous notion, because I am exactly that which I am equal to. Equal to EVERYTHING that exists as I exist here.

How can one become a different program from within and as one's current programming? Impossible- the base program supercedes any new programming that one attempts to introduce because one is already running within and as the base program.

None of the old can be trusted, because it has proven to be unreliable at best. This programming, the values I have given to anything, my hopes, wants, and fears, my interpretations, likes and dislikes, all of it, I've accepted and allowed to direct my every move. The things that have driven me, what I believed to be freewill, is nothing of the sort.

What I believed to be my individuality are really strings, each one allowed to exist, because I thought they were the things that kept me free from restraint. How ironic it is when one realizes that all of those hopes, dreams, fears, etc. are the things that keep people enslaved.
"Love" for instance: Is there anything within this world that possesses a being, and dictates their every move more extensively?

For christ's sake, they even have movies and romantic literature, that apparently shows how much someone loves another because they are driven to suicide and or murder for various reasons. Is that any different than a heroin or meth addict?

Before they met everything was fine. Afterwards, could never be apart, otherwise, great sickness, physical discomfort, murderous and suicidal tendencies -all common side effects.

It's generally recognized as a serious medical condition for drug addicts. But for those "in love" with the same exact symptoms, it is regarded as acceptable, and even noble to feel so deeply for someone. Bullshit. I've been "in love", infatuated, and I know how miserable I was. All I could do was think about 'her' fears of losing her, etc.

I actually believed that I would not be able to live without her. As if she were as important to my existence as water. Is that any different than a junkie?...I can hear the arguments now, "yeah, but that's different..."

"Yeah buts", in my experience, are people defending their way of life and or belief system. People just do not want to hear anything that requires actual change. Of course, I am speaking of myself.

As the system that is currently my base programming, rule number one is to preserve itself above all else...so any attempt at hacking into the programming will be met with emergency procedures that prevent any major alterations of the base program(s).

As I'm looking at it here, approval/acceptance construct emerged from within the belief that I am "less than". Self-judgment virtually every moment of this life. Never satified, because it has all been viewed as "in relationship" to something else, in order assign to myself a specific value.
It's all meaningless, yet I have not yet proved that to myself, because I have not stopped assuming that life can only be experienced by and as measuring and assigning value to myself and each experience.

The image of a guy running around measuring everything in existence in order to understand it comes up, because it's literally the same meaningless pursuit.

I mean, okay now that I've catalogued the measurement of everything in existence, do I really have any more understanding of existence? Absolutely not, it's just a bunch of information, even if the measurements are correct.

Does knowing the heighth of a mighty Redwood really explain to me the experience of visiting the Redwoods? Likewise, does knowing my heighth in relation to a redwood, change either myself or the redwood?
Answers to these questions are to be lived as oneself. Answering questions is theory. What is lived is law.

2011-04-22T17:46:00.000-07:00

Jack's video "introduction to desteni" gave me a moment of "pause" when he talked about self-honesty. He said that self-honesty, from a mind's standpoint can never deliver one through process, or something to that effect.

I thought I understood that point, but I haven't yet stopped the mind, and yet I've been trying to get to a point of equality as a mind consciousness system. Oblivious, to what I was actually doing. Moving as a mind consciousness system can only perpetuate that system.

Stopping the mind...stop participating in the values, judgments, and assumptions, within this moment here. Remain here. Here is where I reside. See what is here. I am here.

Remaining here, without consciously trying to remain here, because within trying to remain here, knowledge is accessed as something separate from me.

To just let go of knowledge and to actually be here as who I actually am should not require anything whatsoever. Therefore it is not something that can be obtained or taken away, it just is. But knowing this and moving from that point of knowledge is not moving as life, but as knowledge. Something that is fixed and rigid, because behind it all is a clinging to knowledge; knowledge that does not apply to what is here, because what is here is ME.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use knowledge as my starting point, instead of who I am here.

Just like using a map to navigate, the map is useless until one's location is first established.

2011-03-16T17:53:00.000-07:00

The point that comes up is Desteni. Like I've been testing the waters, and haven't decided on getting in, and actually swimming and immersing myself within and as process.

It is within the current relationship in which I have defined, that holds me back. I've been lacking self-trust because I have not stood like I believed I would. From a mind's perspective is born self-deceit.

I've been hesitant to express exactly who I am here because a fear of backlash. I already have the tools available to stand.

There is such a huge resistance to expressing, out of fear of shame and fear of failure.

I must prove to myself that I can be trusted, in whatever way is the most efficient way for that to be real as myself. To walk through this process for myself.

I've found for me that it has been ineffective to first say what my intentions are. Because that often implies that I am in an imaginary future within the mind. Therefore, already failing to live up to the original intention. Like in the case of me trying to walk process, and claiming or implying that now I'm going to really start process with fervor.

To start process implies that I am not already engaged in process.

The things that I have wanted to happen with regards to my relationship with desteni has not played out like the movie in my head. I was looking for something more idealistic than what has been occuring, and this is the background interpretation of reality that has become part of my being.

So there is an underlying disappointment and unsatisfied existence, because I've been completely distracted by the imaginary relationships that I attempt to cultivate and preserve.

One could say that I fear being rejected for not standing as the words I speak. Because, thus far, I have not proved to myself that I can stand or that I even have the will to stand; and that is key to being effective within process.

The key to standing? Stand. Self-trust is inevitable if one keeps standing.

2011-03-16T00:38:00.000-07:00

I heard someone say to put others first before yourself. How about put everyone first instead?

As I started this blog entry, I realized that the reason that I wanted to write, was to "gather evidence" in an attempt to become well versed and be able to present common sense points, accurately and precisely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "be careful" about how I present a point.

If it is best for everyone involved, then any objections will be from those that are deluded. So being "careful" will only present to the world, reality, which is that I am "carefully"
maneuvering. Not "natural". Unreal, and therefore also deluded, because I can only see what I am presenting, and not what I actually am.

I have often come to write in order to capture a realization or certain "truths" that can be counted upon as valid information. And it is just that. Information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to collect information, with an intent to present it as information at a later time, to persuade another into seeing what is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what is real needs to be presented in a certain manner, such as coaxing someone into seeing reality.

What is real already stands as what is real. If one cannot already see what is real, then it is very unlikely that it can be explained anyway. Not coaxing. But living within and as this reality, here within every moment.

Can reality really be explained to someone? A ridiculous notion, to those who already manufacture another world in which is only "real" to them.

Likewise, if I do not represent what is real, then it is impossible to convey any "message of reality." Duh.

Really, one can only see for oneself, and then do what is necessary to be done. That IS the message. What it is that I am here. That is the only message that I can ever communicate. The message is me. Hehehehe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the pattern of thinking that I must fix the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn away from who I am here, and focus on what is out there, and apparently needs "fixing", according to the pattern that I have established for myself as myself.

2011-03-12T13:15:00.000-08:00

I don't 'really' want "the search" to be over. An automated drive to find out what is happening, even though there is nothing to find out. I have not been able to accept that there is nowhere but here. Even though there is an actual world here in which to interact, the pattern has been to search for everything that does not exist here.

When put it that context, its an absolutely pointless pursuit; it can never be realized, because the nature of its "existence" is that it does not exist.

2011-03-02T13:34:00.000-08:00

This relationship thingy; the desire to be desired and be treated as the most important thing on the planet is so ingrained. I see it within almost every thought that comes up. It's a desire to cultivate others' opinions and ideas of me; which is an attempt to give myself worth, according to the world's view of worth.

Buying into the idea that opinions are real and have real worth.

Really, I've seen potential relationships with beings at Desteni as being more important than the process of self-realization. It is almost comical that I didn't catch it from the start, but honestly, I put too much value into the prospect of having 'real' friends, to realize what I was actually doing.

So I find myself in what I see as a sort of paradox; I want support, but with support, I find that if I am not aware, that the "relationship potential construct" is activated and process takes a back seat, while presenting self as "worthy" becomes the main focus.

I've previously recognized that I was creating a codependent relationship with my sister, a few years ago, in which I could call her up and she would "be there" for me to talk about how difficult it was to be me.
It gave both of us a sense of worth. Her for "being there" and me for being a "deep, sensitive, introspective" person. Obviously, that same system is still in place.

Relationships based upon the image that I have wished to portray unto the world. This is at the core of the self-judgment construct. A constant monitoring of "status" within the relationship goes hand in hand with self-judgment.

For instance, if I were learning to walk, and someone was there to assist me in learning to walk, then walking would take a back seat, because having someone there to support me would be given more value than actually walking.

So this "learning time" becomes my modus operandi, and actually walking is something that will never happen, because it is a closed loop, and 'walking' is not a part of the loop. Actually walking would imply that "learning time" is over, which translates to the end of a relationship. This whole construct is based upon building and maintaining realtionships, and within that construct, I will never walk, because I am not willing to "give up" on the relationship in order to do so.

Who I am here has been totally disregarded because what I 'have' or 'don't have' has held my attention instead.

2011-01-29T15:12:00.000-08:00

I have been stuck within a mechanism of 'building' relationships, instead of realizing that I am here. A relationship is built in order to illicit a particular set pattern of behavior.
The type of relationship I've tried to illicit from Desteni is an "acceptance."

That is why I have sought to prove that I "understand"; that I'm "on board", so that I could get the ' "oh yeah, he understands-he's one us us"-response; or to prove that I am at a 'certain' place within process. To get an approval nod. To be part of an inner circle. So that I may get special treatment as an insider.

As if to say, "hey, look at me! Aren't you proud of me? Aren't you amazed at how well I'm doing, and how much I understand?"

This relationship with Desteni started almost immediately. Just as a relationship starts, I was excited to have found people that were talking about things that interested me. REAL things. I knew how "special" Desteni is, and so I pursued 'clinching' the rare gem. So securing a 'relationship' was my main concern, and 'who I am here' was "lost" within the attention given to the 'relationship', instead.

2011-01-25T19:45:00.000-08:00

Today I was deliberately exposing myself in an imaginary. transition phase/shuffling phase in which I am trying to "find" myself. It is an effective way to remain here. I've been ignoring the shuffling phase, because I saw it as the distance that must be traveled to arrive at my destination.

Instead of seeing that I am already here. There is never anywhere to 'get to'. Nor any way to 'be', because I am already 'that' in which I am here, the only way that I can direct what is here, is to, first, be what is here. That is common sense.

If I cannot even direct this being here, then I am just along for the ride with no direction of my own will.

2010-05-03T23:03:00.000-07:00

There is an existing tendency within to allow myself to be led by an idea of what I believe to be a "correct" way of being. Although, there is a "perfect" way of being, it is not limited to what a mind believes it to be.

That is comparing myself to myself: referencing a past idea of myself and applying that knowledge as myself toward the situation, to "know" how to act because I have bound myself to cling to something that does not exist, nor does it apply to here.

Like for instance today, I found myself falling into a habit of doing just that, when I saw Bill today, and I found myself having a need to impress him. I realized I was doing this, but I reacted again to almost make it a point to not fall into holding up a personality.

It was like I faulted myself, instead of just forgiving myself, and flowing into the moment. "Not trying" is the same clinging to the past, of which does not exist. Like saying to myself, "Shit, I fucked up, oh fuck why did I have to go and blow the image that I was building with this guy."

There is a particular way that I wish to be perceived, and that idea is what holds me to the past. It is regretting what I did, instead of just living the consequence, and moving through it, within this moment, anew. I mean how I should act? How could one "know" how to act. That is agreeing to walk in this particular fashion, which is all based upon the past. And IT DOES NOT EXIST, anywhere. Certainly not not here. Only the present is here.

Nor does the future exist, there is only HERE. I have planned far in advance for possible situations, and from a starting point of fearing a memory of the past, so that I can be prepared, so to speak. That makes my "here" somewhere else, and "here" is never actually lived, only prepared for.

It is HERE. That's it. I mean, how could I feel "strange"? I'm already who I am. In relation to what? There is only here, and I am that here. Simplicity. One.

Specifically for me, it has been gaining another's approval. If I do not have another's approval, what can I do, about it? There is only here, and i AM here.

2010-03-28T22:42:00.000-07:00

I've been having many excuses come up as to why SRA conflicts with writing in my blog. Because I view it as a "pain in the ass", and it reminds of work or school. It's like a running out of enthusiasm, which indicates that I had moved from a point of energy, and energy fades and is not eternally stable. I have insisted on holding 'something' together. Something that must be continually "reassured" and recalibrated, readjusted, re energized to fit the mold that I have created for myself to live up to. Striving to be "me", instead of realizing that I am already.

The search or striving to become something before one is even aware of what this being here IS within this very moment. Striving cannot last, and is an existence that fades or diminishes, and therefore not eternal.

The belief that there is "something' that must be fed or satisfied in order to remain existing. I am already existing. The question is what do I exist as HERE? Must it be fed in order to remain existing? The fear is that I will not exist unless I am searching for who I am. Yet, I am still here, existing as what it is that I am in and of participation.

If that participation is energetic, then it is temporary, and a mere judgment of what it is that I should or shouldn't be. A ridiculous notion, because the fact is that I AM what I am, and judgment is a meaningless measurement within and as eternity. Who I AM is reality. Eternity existing as itself.

At a basic level, I had decided that 'killing' is a worthwhile experience, for the experience alone. By considering my own interests above the consequences that my actions would inflict upon other beings within existence; and not realizing that I am existence, itself. 'Killing' by self-interest is my vote that existence should exist as what I am promoting existence to be. If it is self-interest, then that is the vote that is cast.

Of course there is a vote as to how existence exists within each and every moment, and that is the ONLY "real" that exists. REAL what? is the question.

Real hiding? Real searching? Real punishing? Real fearing? Real scheming? Real clinging? If it requires energy, then cannot be eternal. That's why movement within indicates that a being (in reality) is existing as a being that cannot stand the test of "time", and therefore, will one day 'not exist'.

2010-03-08T16:02:00.001-08:00

According to the Bible, God knows the beginning from the end. Therefore, he knows the ultimate fate of every being within existence, from the very moment that he created each being. So if God is the creator of existence, then he also created his fallen angel, Satan, knowing from the moment that he created him, that he would become the deceiver, and that he would be destined to spend eternity in hell.
That in itself, proves that God is not the benevolent being that he claims to be. This is a being that he created according to God's will.

God doesn't just experiment, God is Omniscient. Therefore, he knows every last detail of every bit of existence instantaneously, constantly, eternally. If there exists a god at all, then God IS existence, itself.
As separate from existence/God, a being cannot direct existence from outside of existence/God. As God/existence, each of us is 'being' according to that in which one participates.

It is a statement of I, as existence, stand for what I stand for HERE. That vote is made within each moment. as reality unfolds as 'the participant' in and as reality. The eternal consequences of each vote is what we represent in which we stand for and as.

One can see the eventual fate of every action and the outflow of each action upon existence, one only has to see self, self-honestly and what it is that "I" stand for; and that means that I am standing for what "I" am here, and that is my vote for what existence IS, and remains as.

2010-02-27T01:06:00.000-08:00

Fear of death, and what exactly is it that I have an opportunity to apply myself as who I would be "content" or "satisfied" in that I am standing as myself within awareness that if I die, I stands as life, for life, and of life. Otherwise, I've never actually lived.

Do I allow myself to live and allow others to live as who we actually are? Or do I attempt to quantify infinity? Existence itself?=Its meaningless. There's nothing to measure; it's all here.

We are existence itself. Experiencing itself as itself. That is the point. It is up to us to realize that existence is responsible for existence, and what we allow as ourselves to exist as, within existence.

If we do not realize that we are consuming ourselves, as existence exists, eventually there will be nothing left to consume. That which is of actual substance; depleted, because if I stand for and as 'depletion' as who I am, then something must be depleted.

It is required to stand for and as all that is eternal. That which cannot be depleted. That which is absolutely stable. Not reaching for a higher state, because there exist no "higher". There exist all that exist within existence here. Measurement/judgment is, itself, the only limitation within existence.

What meaning does a measurement within eternity have? Can it have any meaning whatsoever, considering that existence, in its entirety, exist eternally, simultaneously in all directions. It is all indescribable, undefinable, and cannot be understood through and as a definition limited to a description from within a limited vantage point.
Judgment/measurement is delusion.

2010-01-08T20:22:00.000-08:00

Everybody "knows" what the truth is. It is all here as the physical. For instance, when somebody slaps the leg of the person sitting next to him. As that physical, expression, it is an instant experience in which nothing is hidden, and everything is already revealed within the action. It is only when one allows the mind to interpret the action, that we are instantly unaware of what is here. In the forementioned situation, if a being tries to define what the other person "meant" by slapping his leg, then HERE is in the mind (the past), and blinded to what is actually HERE.

What is here? BREATH is here. Who I am breathes here.

I hear it said often, that everybody should be allowed to do anything they want as long as they are not hurting anybody else. I'm quite sure that this has rarely been said by anybody with any awareness of what that statement implies. Because we are, in fact, each other, and that means that in order for that statement to ring true, a being must be self-honest. Otherwise, it is just an empty statement. Because there are consequences to every action, down to the most precise detail, and a being would have to be willing to take into consideration, EVERYTHING that is participated in, and how it affects existence, eternally.

That is called self-responsiblity. Which includes doing whatever it takes to stop ALL abuse from within and without. It is ABSOLUTE dedication to self and existence to expose all self-dishonesty from within each and every being in existence and to stop participating in the dishonesty revealed, immediately. It is obvious that most are not willing to part with the dishonest patterns that a person limits himself to.

I see that when self-dishonesty is dealt with in self-honesty, the reaction is disabled. That same reaction will continue to offer its services, so that I can face the point, until I can be certain that that pattern no longer exists within. So what is required is to stop absolutely. What does that mean? ABSOLUTELY. It means to no longer participate in that reaction, period. It means that a person is no longer creating new patterns of self-dishonesty, and as old patterns and tendencies are dealt with, self-honestly, the dishonest patterns diminish steadily, until there exists only self.

The key is within a self-honest statement. It must be an absolute statement, that I will do whatever it takes. The most difficult part is to actually make that statement, because the mind will suggest that it cannot be done. That is because, me, as the mind, wants to remain existing as the mind, and so making that statement is difficult because I know within that that would mean no compromise.

Although that seems incredibly difficult to do, it is really not so hard if I am honest with myself, because once that statement is made, it becomes a part of me, and in that, it becomes easier and easier to remain honest with who I am. It only takes a moment to make that statement and instantly become unable to return to living within and as self-dishonesty.

2010-01-07T15:30:00.000-08:00

Okay, next point, fear of confrontation, where I am concerned with being the definition of a nice guy. The most frustrating thing for me has been trying to get people to hear. So, I see that I am scared of losing relationships, and it just occurred to me that a relationship is based in the past, a definition, attached to a concept of who a person is perceived to be, and in which "he" is defined by the terms of the relationship, itself. Maintaining a relationship, holds both people within a repeating pattern of boundaries, treaties, and mutually accepted self-dishonesty.

Since I feared losing a relationship, I have compromised who I am in order to establish rules, which is an agreement that we will both allow each other to live within specifc limited ways of interacting that allows us both to deceive ourselves, and fortify the enslavement of the other. In that way, we become intertwined within a repeating pattern, and eventually get sick and tired of the living within the boundaries of those limitations and self-abuse. Because the relationship is based upon suppression, before long, someone breaks one of the rules or boundaries that were established. This creates animosity, followed by spite, and voila; a variation of of the same cycle is born.

The initial aim starts as a conquest to enslave another being to me. Of course, I also enslave myself in the process, and because I am so disgusted in myself for not standing as myself , the relationship goes toward the downswing side, and I just want out of the abusive cycle. So then I look for ways out of this cycle, which leads to more abuse in the form of sabotage. Within this mindset, apparently I am getting revenge for taking advantage of my "kindness". While in reality, I started the cycle of abuse upon myself to begin with, by my allowance and agreement of it to begin.

This appears to be the beginning of the end of my relationships. Self-dishonest beings do not wish to be exposed, and self-honest beings expose dishonesty, so resistance in hearing what is actually being said is inevitable.

The relationships I currently have will all fail, because I do not allow limitation of self by participating in the pre-existing pattern, that has been established from the beginning. This will leave leave me with nothing left to lose of a relationship, so that I can establish a new agreement, which is self-honesty in every moment of every breath.

But the relationship only exists within myself, as a defintion in which I am clinging to. The moment I let go of the effort required to maintain a relationship is the moment that the relationship is dead.

It is frustrating for me when I perceive myself to be waiting for a person to see. In my impatience with the natural outflow of events, I find that I become restless, instead of realizing that I am this physical HERE. For some, it will require that the physical conditions become so unbearably uncomfortable, before they will realize that the physical reality is the only issue of any substance. Conditions will have to reach to a level of universal economic collapse, so that the physical suffering is significant enough to be felt by the elites of this world, and an equal money system is agreed upon.

Until we can all agree that the physical is who we are, and that what is allowed within the physical is what we allow ourselves to become, we will all continue to suffer.

2009-12-20T13:42:00.000-08:00

I've working with the point of self-judgment, and in an SRA session, it was indicated that the word piousness was related to the main way that I judge myself. I looked it up, and it means diligence. I will say that achievement or the appearance of achievement has held my attention greatly.

The system functions from the starting point of proving to the world that I am worth more than I believe myself to be. Because I have been pretty convincing in my charade, and when the image that I have portrayed begins to be accepted by the world, I know that what I am being accepted as is merely what I have pretended to be, and so from this, I find myself striving to maintain the "superior" image that I have created to act as me.

The pressure I put on myself to achieve exists because I know that who I am does not match the 'diligent' image construct that I have pretended to be. So, hiding the incongruency of my image when compared to that of who I actually am, or who I believe myself to be, has been a priority for me. This also reveals some of the reason that I have bounced around so much in my activities, which is because within a given activity, I have wished to display the illusion of diligence. So when I have been confident that my diligent image is secure, then that is when I have moved onto creating the next illusion.

The word pious, after reading more on the definition, is associated with religion. A devoutness or dutiful.

Who am I primarily concerned with appearing pious?

Desteni? No

Family? Yes

Is there a particular member of the family that is the primary intended recipient of my projected image? YES

Mother? YES

It is really a clever little system. I have believed that I could place the image out there as myself, and that if I could get people to treat me as that image, that it would somehow change me into that image.
In a sense, it is somewhat true that I would become the image, because if one interacts as an image, then self is being denied, and illusion and deception are nurtured, while self lies inactive. In essence, dead or nonexistent.

From my mom, I have sensed great hopes and expectations for me to become something or someone special, and in my mind, I have fallen short of those expectations. Seeing approval on her face has been my greatest treasure. Gosh, I'm such a hurt little boy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that who I am will always fall short mom's acceptance of me as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself for so long.

I forgive myself that I have judged myself to be unacceptable, and have allowed myself to try and 'make up' for who I am by creating an image in which to be judged by.

I forgive myself that I have not even allowed myself to give myself and the world an opportunity to accept me for who I am, because I had already decided that who I am would not be enough to be accepted.

I had already defeated myself before I even began. I expose myself, all of me here. ALL OF ME.

The image is a ploy to present such a believable image of diligence, so that way I can say, "I try my very best, and I am such a good person, but the world does not recognize my 'specialness'". Subconsciously, creating situations in which I am a victim of circumstance to get sympathy. In that way, I have sought out 'hardship' so that my 'piousness' can be recognized against the contrasting situation. They call it Munchhausen Syndrome, when somebody purposely hurts himself to gain sympathy from other people.

It is the "no risk" method of success. So that if I succeed, then great, but even if I don't, then the illusion is placed there as an "alternative" success, because at least I "tried" my "hardest" against such difficult conditions. The reward is "love" and admiration from others, which I have held in highest reverence.

Since I've become more aware of this self-judgment construct, I've noticed that I've been able to 'forget' about maintaining an image, and show myself as ALL of who I am here. It's cool in a "the jig is up" kind of way. I've been lying this whole time, and it's time I show the secret that I've been hiding, which is me. Funny as it seems, I've also used "honesty" as a defense mechanism and "self-awarded" image booster.
I remember walking into Bartlett High school, after my "enlightenment" with LSD in Oregon, where I peered "honestly" into the eyes of a kid, in order to display my newly acquired confidence. To my delight, his eyes quickly avoided mine, and I could not wait to show everybody how fucking awesome my new image was.

What I have viewed as the single most influential event in my life(LSD enlightenment) has been once again, just another scheme to be loved and admired. I caught a glimpse of a shadow of equality, but the allure and importance that I had placed upon being loved and admired easily gained priority status. I knew the whole time that I was only presenting an image, and even though I thought that 'bringing out the best in everybody', was key in bringing about paradise, the fact was that I was only concerned with being recognized as one of the GREATEST who ever lived.

No more. I do not allow myself to support the existence of myself as an image. I am here to share me as who I am, for all to see.

2009-12-05T01:45:00.000-08:00

I just did a short SRA session, and it tested that there are points of judgment linked to expression. I just tried it again, and came up with the same result. I then tested for,
1. family
2.friends
3.strangers
4.self
It tested that self-judgment linked to expression is my primary pattern. Whether or not it actually worked, or if I was influencing the results, is unclear. But I did repeated tests and more than not, it tested that self-judgment of expression is the primary pattern.

Bruce L, told me months and months ago, that my nature has almost completely become that of judgment. I am not always aware of the many ways that I judge myself, because it has become "me", thus it seems "natural" and ordinary to judge myself.
I am aware that there is a system that monitors my behavior, to give a "value" or a measure of "success" within most anything that I do.

Almost nothing I have done, gets done without automatically measuring success of a particular action. So much so that judgment accompanies action almost always. Calculations and formulas to quantify an action. As if one moment can be considered more valuable than another.

There is a dynamic that I am currently experiencing, specifically, I find myself in exactly the same situation as so many times within this lifetime. My mind wants to know where and how I fit in, based upon some kind of hierarchy. So when I find that my 'rank' within a hierarchy does not agree with what I have defined as acceptable, I have usually either distanced myself from that particular group, or done anything necessary to be considered one of the elites.

There is a strange paradox within what I "want". On the one hand I want to be accepted as part of a group, and on the other hand, I want to do whatever the hell I please. I find that I jump back and forth between two extremes on most issues. Sometimes I want everything, and sometimes I want nothing, and I find myself wandering in between, going one direction, and then all of a sudden switching to the complete other extreme.

I've been looking for a definition of myself, and when that definition starts to get accepted as me, then that's when I begin feeling trapped in a limited definition, so I move to change and morph that definition into something that I think might attract more love and acceptance.

I experience it all as being almost there, constantly. It is like having no home, desperately seeking a home, yet at the same time fearing the limitation within being bound to a particular place. It is the same with relationships, and really every aspect of my life. So I find myself in "limbo" often, because I have placed myself there. Which, as it turns out, has been my lifelong placement and pattern. For instance, I want help, but I don't want to be an inconvenience, so often I will just keep quiet and do it myself.

So this has created a duality within me, what I "want" to express is what I fear the most, because it is truly me, and I have not wanted to subject myself to the possibility that someone may not like me or approve of me. So I have hidden me, behind a personality, so that I do not have to expose myself to judgment. I fear judgment because, I have already judged myself, and convicted myself for being me, and I have been quite convinced that if I were to expose myself, then the true me, which I have judged to be inadequate, would be revealed.

Self-judgment as less than ideal. That is what I have judged and believed myself to be. So I have compensated for my "less than" idea of myself by seeking out excellence and running from failure.

Because I have treated my thoughts as truth, I believed the truth has been that I will never be enough. It is a statement that I have made to myself, and not even been aware, because I have assumed it to be true, without question.

Because I have carried this definition with me, as myself, and have completely believed in my own definition of myself as 'less than', My life has been entirely about gaining acceptance from the world, as a personality, because I believed that who I am could never be accepted. I have "known" this for as long as I can remember, and that is exactly why I have been on a mission to create and project a personality that I believed would be more readily accepted by the world.

I have never been enough for me, and this is why I have strong tendencies toward proving myself to the world. Because I have believed myself to be unacceptable, I have tried to gain acceptance by showing the world my talents and impressing as many people as possible with my wonderful personality.
That has not gotten the results that I have been looking for, so the other extreme is to just drop out when I realize that my all of my feats of talent and all of the energy that has been "invested" in personality has gotten me no more acceptance than when I started.

It is a simple cycle of "I'll show everybody that I am valuable." and then when it seems I have failed, the statement changes to, "Everybody can go FUCK OFF!"

I accept myself here, as all that I am here. Judgment not necessary, or acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at all of the ways that I could be judged and have avoided expressing myself unconditionally, out of fear for being judged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge every action of myself as a quantity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blend in to the scenery, so that I do not have to subject myself to judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can quantify myself as a 'value'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as "proving" that I have worth.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept myself for who I am, entirely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself in any way. That only limits me to that in which I think I am.

The word stupid pops up, and all of the negative connotations related such as 'strange' or 'awkward'. I have always had a great fear of ever being in a situation in which I could be described as stupid, strange or awkward.

I've always felt strange around people, as if the spot light was always on me. Much of it, and probably more than I am aware of, is having an Vietnamese mother, also my dad is "strange", in that he has little or no friends. He says his only friend is Arch Hall, a friend from the service. I have wanted to separate myself from any associations to "strange". Of course, as a child I could see that my parents both considered themselves strange or out of place.

Really, after the age of about 8, I became ashamed of my parents. My mom, being a strange Vietnamese woman, and my Dad being a loner nerd. When she remarried Wayne, my step dad, I thought of him as my "cool" dad, and absolutely adored him. He was into everything that I was into, and I was into everything he was into. If ever there was a hero, there was none greater than Daddy Wayne. He liked Kung Fu, skateboarding, surfing, windsurfing, hang gliding, Budhism, rock climbing, science, art, skiing, kayaking, math, computers, sailing, building, guitar, Japanese culture, ice climbing, swimming, mechanics, travel, and on and on...

He was everything that I wanted to be, and I enjoyed every moment I got to spend with him. Then when I was about 13 or 14 he told me that they were getting divorced. That was one of the saddest moments in my life. I was really lost, and I was going to be going to a new school again. Moving schools was an often occurrence, and I dreaded being the new kid over and over.

I've always wondered what is the appropriate way to act, and I have built my personality around an idea of 'universal appropriateness'. In essence, a popularity contest, in an effort to be liked, and becoming whatever I deemed necessary to be accepted as "one of us". So really, my personality, is the best design that I have come up with to accumulate more adoring fans, and that has been the game all along.

Like experimenting with different fishing lures, and when I find the one that is catching the most fish, that is the one I would choose to fish with. My personality/personalities are selected just as a different conditions require different lures, sinkers, and leaders by a fisherman. Just a tackle box full of personality, used to attract acceptance.

2009-11-22T19:45:00.000-08:00

There is a sense of "value" within. This implies inequality, and means that there is a comparison/value system program that I have allowed myself to be subject to. In that, the world is and everything that is witnessed, is only seen as an event in comparison to something else. There is no innocence, in this, because one's vision is distorted by knowledge. One's attention being focused upon exactly how one "measures up" within what ever it is that is being done.
It is a constant struggle to gain the next level of worthiness, endlessly.
The startling reality is that we all know from within, what it is that we do, and whether or not it supports self to have an equal opportunity/voice within existence. Likewise, to support equality of self, directly influences existence to recognize equality of us all.

We all know, and these are our little strongholds of power that we refuse to discard, because it is what we have seen as our own little strategic advantage over the masses. We do this...

I have a real beef with religion, especially, Christianity, and I see such obvious lies that people accept as truth. What better way to keep people blinded to what is actually happening, than to say, "I am God. Things will really, really, really turn to shit just before I come back to save everybody." ? Of course, everybody will look around and say, "yup, things are getting worse, guess that means we're all gonna be saved soon. Or at least the ones that have followed God."

It is implied that we have no power over our own destiny. That it is written, and therefore, nothing can be done to improve this shit world until God decides that we've endured enough suffering and abuse, and finally save us.

There is absolutely no responsibility within that context. The goal is to be saved, yet no one told us that that is impossible to be saved. Self MUST prove to self that self is of any substance, before self will allow self to remain existing. We co-create this existence, through our acceptance of it. Because, there exist beings that are committed to equality, eventually, all that will remain will exist as an equal expression of the whole, in that equality is the accepted reality, and inequality seems just as inconceivable as equality seems today.

We have underestimated our effect upon existence, just as God has underestimated that his creation would be equal to him. We are equivalent to that in which we create or allow. The misconception has been that our creations are less than and separate from us. Just as we have not understood that we have an enormous effect upon everything being the way that it is. Because we have all agreed upon this existence as 'just the way it is', and have not wanted to examine all the many ways that we contribute to this as an accepted reality, because most certainly it would mean that one could not possibly self-honestly continue to participate in a "what's in it for me?" agenda. Perhaps a better practice would be a "what's in it for everybody?" "agenda".

We each have a mind, which is same program runs within each of us. The seeming individuality, is nothing more than different default setting according DNA and any other data that has become part of the program, such as birth place, social status, money, etc. So depending upon the data, one being will have access to resources, while another will not. Because we are obedient to the program and the unequal data therein (the mind), not surprisingly, inequality is what is expressed amongst us all.

It is not a level playing field, and has been designed that way. Those that have exclusive access, want to maintain that exclusive status, and equality does not exist within the program. It is evident within thoughts themselves. Thoughts revolve around 'value', a particular 'value' must be maintained, according to the mind. So when a certain 'value' does not equate to the perceived 'correct value', the program automatically responds by equalizing itself. This is why we find ourselves in the same situations over and over again. The "correct" value is elusive, and our search for the correct value is the core program that has not changed, only different data is plugged in, and the same program responds according to the new data. As the mind, one is limited to the structure of mind, whose core application is maintaining a definition/value of itself within this world, and therefore results in a constant stream of inequality to be distributed, because a struggle to become greater or lesser is employed within that "equalization" to achieve the 'correct value', according to one's perception of correct.

So, within that, one exists as program in a particular location. It seems as if one actually makes progress, but it is much more likely that, the scenery and location are the only thing that really changes. In reality, one just learns how to manipulate the scenery so that the program runs 'more smoothly'. Attempting to change the exterior, to suit the interior's preference. Although, it might seem as if one might be concerned with another, it is not considered that "caring" is part of the program, wherein, one does not really care about another, but only cares about following the program's instructions to "care".

If one really cared, he would investigate each and every thought and action, and the eternal consequences of what is actually being permitted to exist.

Protecting a way of life, by way of ignorance. It is an attempt at self-trickery, to justify how one is living.
_____________________________________________________________

I sense that I am running as a program. I experience it as having to attain completeness, so that I can finally be satisfied. Just as if I am continually updating to the latest version. Within that, I am only following instructions to fulfill a whimsical notion of what would supposedly make life more satisfying. The idea or notion that I am to begin with, unsatisfied, is at the core as to why I seek fulfillment in the first place.

There is an escapist personality that I have created as myself. Within that personality suit, I wish to remain responsible only to myself. To blaze my own trail, so to speak, or rather to challenge myself to things that I know that I can achieve, and make it real. This has given me a sense of accomplishment. But it is not really any sort of accomplishment, it is only my own obedience to a system that rewards me with a sense of accomplishment, according to how the system defines accomplishment.

It is a conglomeration of reasons that advocate why I have been doing what I have been doing. It is all so twisted and thwarted and intertwined, so it all just appears as a big tangled mess, that would take much more effort than to just allow the personality to assume directive authority.

I fear limitation, yet from that fear, is born limitation. What are some things that I fear?

1. Commitment to anything, which is tied to fear of failure. Fear of failure because I fear rejection. I fear rejection, so there is a defense mechanism that has been created. It is to remain detached, in the likely event that I will be "abandoned". There is a real fear of being let down by the world, in general. In my mind, I have been let down by many people, in many ways. So in essence, it is an attempt at eliminating the burden of hope and expectations of a relationship. Trying to disappear, so that no one has to be disappointed in each others' abuse. Because I know that we will never be able to live up to others' expectations, dropping out seems like it could be a viable solution.

While in jail, I knew that I was "protected" in that I knew that everybody knew that I was truly allowing and advocating one's best equally, and that even if we don't know individually, collectively, as a whole, we all know the truth of the other. There is a physical communication/interaction, in which reality is understood at a physical level, instantly, before it goes through a filter of a mind, and becomes merely an interpretation. We all know the truth of us all, and that is too frightening to consider as fact because it would destroy our illusory secret dwellings within the mind. It would mean that we are all exposed to each other, and that it rarely accepted as a possibility.

Also, that which is before us, because it includes everybody, seems like a "restrictive" path, in the sense that it appears to be a "straight and narrow", suppressive type of life. Although, this is not the case, it is the idea that I will no longer be able to so and so...that keeps me restricted to the system, that I have known as "me". Cycles of hyperactivity and enthusiasm coupled with a complete disinterest in existence. Because, I know that I have become a slave to the systems/personalities that I have been programmed with. So from that comes a hopelessness, and admission of self-defeat, in that I cannot maintain a "certain lifestyle", that has been born out ideas of what must be "sacrificed" or maintained.

It is almost funny that self-honesty can be seen as a sacrifice, since the only alternative is self-deception. As ridiculous as it seems, that is what we have chosen. self-deception over self-honesty because we would rather remain oblivious that we have been stabbing self in the back all along. It is all we know, and we would rather continue in our way of life, than to stop, because it is after all "who I am". How can I stop "who I am"?

This "who I am" is concerned with maintaining "who I am", and there is no realization that I am stabbing myself in the back, and if I do happen to realize that I am stabbing myself in the back, it still would not matter, because "who I am" would have no power to stop because that is apparently "who I am". Common sense would tell us that our belief/programming to stab self in the back, quite possibly, makes no sense and to stop. But within a belief system, there is a set of rules to follow, where common sense does not exist, because the belief program is running the show, and the first order is to maintain and preserve the belief that I am what I believe myself to be.

Why is it so important to believe in something? It either is or it isn't. So why such an emphasis on a belief in God in order to be saved? Belief or disbelief in God, in itself does not add or subtract to the actual existence of God. So why practice belief, if it has no effect upon reality? Belief is uncertain, because a belief may or may not be true, and no matter how irrational a belief maybe, people act according to what they believe, not what they see. We have believed that we are our beliefs. That seeing and believing are the same thing. To see a bird flying does not require one to believe that the bird can fly.
Within a belief, one has no access to reality, and belief has been substituted for reality. This way someone can live completely within a belief system in which what is taken for granted as reality, is nothing more than a fabrication. In this way, we can't even see what is going on right in front of us, because our beliefs block access to reality.

So why would God want for us to be powerless in a world of belief, where access to reality is not granted? Because God, in fact, has no power other than the power given to him, by our belief that he is almighty.

2009-11-16T17:17:00.000-08:00

The concept of God is inherently flawed, simply because the idea of God implies that there is within existence, a measure of worth. God being the ultimate definition of greatness. Within that is an expression of 'greater than/less than'. A hierarchy of comparison MUST exist within an existence that includes a separate expression for God. This requires that one being have more importance and clout than another, which means that one being has more power over another being. This would mean that one being's will would override another being's will, according to status.

That is the current expression of existence within this world, which is the direct result of action based upon a belief that God exists as the highest of the high. Within this world, all that is expressed is rank. Within everything we can see it. Beings are not seen as what they are, but only as the rank they carry. This justifies abuse of 'lesser' beings, so that the more important, 'greater beings' can enjoy more perks at the expense of the 'lesser beings'. We all see it happening, yet our beliefs tell us that it is acceptable for 'lesser beings' to be treated a little worse because they are 'lesser' and do not deserve what the 'greater beings' deserve.

God above the rest, I mean, come on now. It's ridiculously obvious that along with the existence of God, that abuse will also exist. If there were a God, certainly he would not allow himself to remain existing as God, because he would realize that the existence of him as God creates abuse within existence. God is an impostor, just a powerless being that has gotten everybody convinced into supporting and allowing him to be God.

It would be comical if it weren't so sad that we have bought into the idea, without question and testing and common sense. Most of it is out of self-preservation, wanting to be one of the lucky ones, while the rest perish. We are made to be concerned with the potential mistreatment of ourselves for eternity, that we are unconcerned with the mistreatment of another, just as long as the abuse does not come our way. Yet, within this self-preservation, it is not realized that we are condoning abuse by turning away and ignoring the facts, because we will apparently be saved, if we just agree with God, and let him abuse as he sees fit. Fear based obedience. So nobody stands up because they're looking after their own asses to care enough about what happens to another, and within that, tacitly express abuse unto us all.

The illusion is that there is another. As if one can suffer without the whole suffering. We are commonly one physical expression. One. That is fact.

2009-11-04T20:13:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted unconditionally because I have feared rejection, or challenge, or judgment. Because I know that I fear these things, I have "avoided", checking and double checking references and rewriting what might be misunderstood to have a different meaning than what I mean. It is all rooted is my search for love. To be loved by the world, to be praised, just as some "gods" have wanted for themselves. What a petty, meaningless desire. If I truly loved the world and myself then I would be that which supports life equally. I would be that action in fact, the walking breathing, love in action. Love is action. Not an emotion. Emotions are useless and self-serving non-action or reaction, i.e. dependent upon certain conditions in order to exist, and offers no solution to our current world of suffering and abuse and inequality.
Love is that which is being done, PRESENTLY, to support all to exist equally as equals and one. Love MUST support all as equals, because love could never be distributed unequally and still be considered love. That would imply scarcity, which implies possessiveness and abuse. Love is that which supports all to exist equally in every way, eternally. Everything else is abuse, and a compromise made to support an excuse as to why we allow abuse in any form or quantity.

Equal money for all, I just realized that that which exists physically that supports inequality, supports abuse. So many people have wanted to eradicate this 'evil money', but it is what we do with our money, and what we support with our contribution that promotes its evilness. Because money has been used out of fear and greed and personal gain, it has become the expression of abuse. So if money were used to promote equality and oneness, then that physical reality would be that money supports equality. Because in the instant that money supports equality, it becomes it, as a physical reality.

What do I do that contributes physically to inequality? and Anything within this world that supports abuse or inequality in any way, physically, can be physically directed to support all life equally. Until, the reality of each physical manifestation within this world is an expression of equality.

We are born into a world of debt, a system that requires that you learn to support the system, otherwise the system will not support you. Because, the system is conditional, our world supports only the spectrum of possibility in which you are not worthy of the system's support unless you first do something to support the system. However, the system's concern is only for maximum energy extraction from an individual to further support the system's continued existence. Where in a system that offers equal money for all, money takes a stand to support life unconditionally. That which is here, physically is the expression of existence. If the expression of existence happens to be of inequality in any way, then that would mean that there is an expression for 'more' and for 'less' that is being allowed to exist, physically here.

"What" it is that someone does, if it does not support oneness and equality in all ways, accepts this existence as allowing abuse to exist. This implies that one applies equality and oneness to all things. To be equal and one with self. Realizing that only self exists. That which I know to 'best' for me from within myself as I breathe me in. That which supports all life equally is the same thing that allows myself to trust that "I" am existence, and that I inherently understand equality already, but haven't allowed myself to trust in its stability.

2009-11-02T16:53:00.000-08:00

Maybe more than any one point, I notice that in general, "self-image" comes up as a recurring tendency. It has been my 'go to' or default consideration upon undertaking a task. Image is important to me because, with the right image, one gains access to the many perks within this world. It has been important to me because, my only concern has been how much I can gain of the things that I have given worth.
Strange, but of everything that I would REALLY want, which in essence is self-acceptance, I must first give myself acceptance because self-acceptance is necessary for me, because it is my responsibility, and it is naturally my duty to be self-honest and a willingness to see who self is, and to make necessary behavior modifications, which would be to simply accept self within self-honesty and within forgiveness of the abuse that self has or is participating in.

Within moving from the starting point of gaining something for myself, I've already ensured that abuse in some form will occur. From the last year of investigation, I have found that upon the 'auto pilot' mode, there is no self-expression. It is merely programmed response to stimuli and supports a self-interested agenda. I have yet to find anything other than self-interest as the programming that I have allowed within.

Equal money for all. I have not really investigated it within. Some aversions to it are as follows:
Getting people to agree with it as a viable solution.
I don't really know if it is a viable solution. Perhaps it is the simplest, most direct route to oneness and equality. Due to the incurring collapse of the world wide economy, people may be more willing to listen if they have nothing. This moment, investigating within, I see there are points of concern for giving up some comforts to which I have become accustomed. One way or another, eventually, I will realize that the only way to for there to exist equality of myself with all the world is to, myself, be equal in supporting equality of and as myself, one and equal with the world as one and equal with me.

2009-10-28T07:40:00.000-07:00

There is a point or belief or definition/judgment that I am more able to express myself honestly to women/girls. The "sensitive" me anyway. That which I have normally hidden from the world. There is an expression that I have believed requires a females presence in order to express that which I believe I am in short supply. Myself, that which I have not done for me is allowing myself to be intimate with me. At least partly because of the "negative" things that I would have to confront, from a self-definition perspective. I would have to admit that I am not the image that I have portrayed myself to be. That I am simply here as all that I am. It is humbling, yet I rid myself of carrying that baggage. There is nothing to live up to, as in what I must do to maintain a personality.
I have wanted people to accept me as the personality that I accepted as myself. To create a "better me", yet all of this requires energy to maintain, therefore it can not be me, because I am already me, without maintaining a personality. It is a waste to allow that to exist, by feeding it and upgrading it to the latest version of personality. The energy expenditure spent worrying about how that my personality is being perceived by others. Acting within a limited range of possibility, to achieve success, as a character/impostor, because who I have been is self-interested. So of course, I have gone around hiding who I am, because I know that I have devious intentions.
It is amazing that anyone could somehow ignore their own deviant behavior, and instead follow a system of beliefs to act according to what one chooses to believe about themselves. We look to our neighbor and see how dishonest they live, therefore it is easily justifiable, because "I am least not the worst case of dishonesty." As if that is any reason to allow self to continue deceiving existence with a personality.

2009-10-20T17:39:00.000-07:00

Much of the reason that people do not give all of oneself to one another, because it has rarely been seen in action. It has been generally accepted that the only possibility is the way it has always been. We have locked ourselves into that future reality, because we have believed that it is a foregone conclusion to do only as we have always done for thousands of years. We have not changed because we have believed that even if I were to change, that it would not make a difference; so why bother? Since people have never supported all life equally as themselves, because we have never done anything other than put the individual above the whole. Because we have not seen that the only real triumph is equality in all ways to all things, we have only been interested in how much I can do for myself. In reality it is so limited, because it requires others to have less, which could never be considered as any real triumph.

Instead of living within equality, which includes everything, we have lived exclusive lifestyles, that only includes ourselves. That is the grand illusion, that more for self is actually more. More suffering in the world, yes. Practically speaking, it is senseless to participate in anything other than supporting our own existence as one and equal with all beings within existence. Anything else is self-abuse by supporting more suffering within this world that I AM, in fact.

It is to be aware of each action and the far reaching consequences or each action. If it does not support self to be one and equal with all beings, then it is unacceptable. It is an excuse to say that I didn't know any better, because it affects us all, and self-responsibility is required for self-realization. Of course, people don't care to find out because it would most certainly mean that, "I would feel guilty about my lifestyle and might not be able to continue in my blissful existence, oblivious to how I promote abuse of another being within existence." That is the million dollar question: What is the consequences of my actions for all time? If it does not support existence equally eternally, then it is not acceptable.

I was frozen yesterday, in trying to decipher the moment, because I was not consciously aware of that in which I was participating, and I was plagued with a longing to know, or have some sort of reference point, so that I could define what it was that I was experiencing. The moment was not enough for my active mind. There was continuous suggestion within to not accept this moment as the only moment. I was fighting myself, trying not to try. Stopping was difficult, because I looking at a specific outcome, which was to stop thinking and self-analyzing. So I kept looking at myself to define "how" I was being.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to look at "myself" in order to make an assessment of myself by defining and judging what I see.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as a "screw up" because, I "caught" myself doing things that I judged were worthy of regret.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that corrective action is and self-forgiveness is a process in eliminating self-interested behaviors, by participating in that which does support oneness and equality of beings. Self-honestly doing that which is "best" for me, in which case if it truly is best for me, then it also means that it is the best for existence, equally in support of the expression of each being's support for each other being's expression of equality and oneness.

All that is eternal of me is what will remain, unconditionally. If it can come and go, then it is not something eternal. It is in identifying that which remains under all conditions, everything else is temporary and of no substance. Not in search of substance, but in realizing what is not real, and ceasing to participate in that which is able to be corrupted. When that which is temporary is removed from within, and what remains is irremovable and real. It is not drawing energy from "somewhere", but realizing ,the non-diminishable, already here.

I was just killing myself to try and realize, or "naturally" let go. Binding myself to the experience of "not being able to ..." Self is HERE. How is self assisting self to support self, equal to existence, empty of struggle to remain existing in any "certain" way. Already here. If it can be lost, then it is not worth hanging on, because it is unreal, and can be removed, it is conditional. All that is subject to conditionality, is all that will eventually fade anyway, so it was never unconditional to begin with. Empty, formless, and containing existence entirely. EXISTENCE. Eternal existence of what IS was and will be. That which REMAINS. It could never be anything that fluctuates, or fades, or begins or ends. The essence of existence as equal and one with existence. It is not even "something".

That's the funny part, because it can't be searched out, because there is no IT to begin with. It is the search, itself, that there is some magical secret of existence that does not exist, nobody knows how to find it, or how to identify it, but everybody is searching for IT. That's the big joke. THIS is IT! and nobody sees it, because we are all in our heads looking for IT, or believing that we got IT, or almost gonna get IT, and it turns out that it was all just a search to keep searching, focused on a goal of becoming 'something'. As if for some reason we need to ' be "something"' in order to be something; as if being self is not a something that is "enough" of a something already. So to be counted as "something", a personality is formed, limited to the "personality traits" that have been defined as 'personality', is wearing a number to be counted as "real" and definable and limited to "who I am", according to self-definitions. "individuality", and what is allowed to define "me" as 'something', by tacitly agreeing to live within the boundaries of an accepted "personality".

As if to claim or state a value to the unique number one is wearing. My unique number/personality, apparently "who I am", but it is only a program, just like a computer follows instructions or rules of that program. A "personality" is a program that carries out what was programmed in. Personality, is all just an attempt at gaining validation and justification of one's apparent uniqueness.

2009-09-29T19:06:00.000-07:00

I am not quite sure how it started, but there is an underlying guilt reaction that I have associated with enjoying physical touch. A system within me that does not allow me to experience the enjoyment of feeling within this body. It has something to do with sexual expression and how I have associated sex with feeling. When I have been touched in a way that the body agrees with, my mind says "no, do not allow yourself to enjoy this moment." I have believed somehow that I do not deserve this or that I am not worthy of experiencing human touch, or even the touch or feel of my own body. Even enjoyment in general, I have had much aversion to expressing enjoyment to anybody. Interesting. Even the word "touch", I have even had an aversion about uttering the word touch, when referring to the human body. Come to think of it the word "body" is linked to the word "touch" in a similar fashion.

Somehow, I have associated the enjoyment of feeling or touch with perversion. Utterly fascinating! It stems from a belief that if I were to express that I enjoyed a particular way of being touched, then that would somehow, according to the world, mean that I was perverted, or be a lesser being if it were to be known. I have been so careful to hide any hint that I might enjoy touch in any way, especially when it involved a family member. It has something to do with vulnerability, and allowing myself to express vulnerability in any way. I have associated vulnerability with weakness, just as I have done with tenderness and gentleness. Enjoyment, in general, I have associated with weakness. Expressing uncensored enjoyment in any form has been considered taboo to me. Also certain ways of moving my body; I have limited myself to only those movements that are "strong". Anything that might considered "graceful", by anyone has also been avoided. Only "strong" and bold movement have I allowed to be expressed. Nothing vulnerable ever. I am flabbergasted!

Also, I have gone about hiding pain in the same way. I have very deliberately covered my body's expression in any way that I have defined as a sign of weakness. Oh man, what a mess I have created. No wonder I have found ways to express myself in secret. I have not allowed myself to accept myself as the self-honest expression of myself as who I am. In each scenario, I have meticulously censored out that in which I have believed is not a strong enough expression, or intimidating enough or powerful enough, or mature enough or masculine enough. I have not believed that I am enough of anything, so I have covered up, in every way that I could think of to cover my insecurities or dislikes about myself, and have spent enormous amounts of energy, proving to the world that which I have defined as myself to not be true.

I have wanted for others to believe that I am a perfect specimen, even though I could not believe it myself. I have known the truth of myself, yet I have done extensive work to cover up any aspect where I thought that I was inadequate. In everything that I have done, I have followed the most "natural path" or the path of least resistance to prove that the image that I wished to portray was recognized as the truth by the world.

I have known that I enjoy being touched, and I have known that I have covered my true expression with the image of how it was that I wanted to be perceived by others. Goddamn, it has been my physical expression that I have hidden from, the real me. This being here, this expression here is what I have been all along. Not what I thought I should or shouldn't be, only what I have been. And there is the voice inside that says to me, "you can't just be you, what would they think? What might come out if you do not constantly monitor each expression, then the truth of yourself may be exposed, and that is unacceptable."

Whoa, now this is some extensive shit, connected to every point within me. The extent that I can forgive myself is so far reaching, within every aspect of who I have become. That puts a new perspective on things. Hehehe. Extensive, yet simple. The physical. Me as this expression here. How could I have been so blind to that which has been here all along. Not what my mind says, but who I am here. Not an interpretation, what is here for all to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I might forget who I am. Who I am is who I am here. This physical being here. I only need to see me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the mind in an effort to "make sure" that I am "correct" that I am here. To "make sure" that I have not missed something.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself as this physical being here within each and every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must hang onto the realizations that I have had, lest I lose sight of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my understanding of the world and myself represents reality more accurately than who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I will go back into my mind and forget all about my physicality here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I may be just reiterating things that I have heard from Desteni, and have doubted that I am actually expressing myself, and instead have only memorized "correct" phrases, and that I really am just repeating what I have heard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder where I must go and what I must do now to remain within the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and others according to how much one understands, according to how I have perceived myself and others' understanding. Huh?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone reading this will think or show me that I am full of shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider how I will be judged and base my worth upon that perceived judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing that I actually enjoy others' responses because I have feared being seen as someone that needs feedback.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to not give a shit whether or not someone reads or responds to my posts, because I have wanted to appear "strong" or self-motivated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as according to how I have defined myself, and not just seeing me for who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make sure that people stay far enough away so that there is little or no danger of being rejected or criticized for who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get anxious about ridding myself of my mind. I am here, I express myself here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have an aversion to using the word "here" because I have feared that if I would be "incorrect" in stating that I am here, then it would look like I am full of shit, and then people would just write me off as someone who is mostly just full of shit.

Goddamn, fear of rejection is extensive. I have judged myself as unacceptable, and who I am has been hidden. I have rejected myself, and instead have created an image so that I could be accepted as an image instead of myself. My mind fears rejection, because it has rejected me, and it does not want to be rejected and exposed as the illusion that it is. So it does everything to make itself real through its existence through me as me. It has been me, I have wanted to believe that the image could be made real, because I have thought that just myself is not grand enough. I have thought of myself as too ordinary, too repulsive, too inadequate and have followed the promise of the mind that I could one day be everything that my mind had planned for me to become. From this starting point, I have been chasing rainbows, never here, always looking to validate myself in my search for glory. In this I have become the definition of self-rejection, always chasing something more than myself. Incroyable! I forgive that I have allowed myself to suppress myself because I believed that I have to be more. I allow me to be me. Just me. I thank myself that I have allowed myself to just be me. No judgments. Me. Here, this being here. Into me I see. What do I see? ME. okay.

I just breathe here for now.

2009-09-28T21:40:00.000-07:00

When the utmost tragic occurs, in some, what is often brought to the surface is an unconditional giving of oneself, more often than when survival is not at stake. That is what I see anyways, whether this is true, or if it is only my perception is not truly known by me, but what this implies is that the bulk of humanity will not care for each and every being within existence unless the situation becomes so dire and a selflessness is allowed to show from within. In situations such as natural disasters, it is suddenly deemed as acceptable to give all of oneself.

What are some of the reasons that we require a tragedy in order to let ourselves emerge? For one, image is less likely to be allowed within self. The current circumstance becomes the most pressing issue, and instead of an underlying agenda, we realize that in lieu of seeing more suffering, we are suddenly willing to do whatever that is required of us to involve ourselves in whatever way that we can assist in seeing that the suffering be as minimal as possible. In such times, it becomes apparent that we could not possibly face ourselves if we do anything less than what we can.

We are currently in the midst of a tragedy, yet most of us are content to remain unaware of the tragic circumstances in which we live. So instead of offering our support to another, we hold on to our small piece of comfort, and wait for someone else to take responsibility for what we are faced with. We turn away and pretend not to see, because our own comfort is too important to risk losing. We understand that it would take our complete dedication to all beings, and being the self-interested beings that we have become, we are not willing to forsake that in which we believe is our salvation, for another being, lest we lose that in which we believe we must cling.

But if truth be known, in such actions, we have already forsaken ourselves, for something that is only a shadow of who we really are, which is existence entirely, one and equal. We hide from ourselves that we are selfish, and justify our way of life, by reasoning that we have to look out for number ONE, first and foremost. We allow ourselves to remain unaware that we are allowing self-interest to reign supreme within this existence by allowing it to exist within and as ourselves, and through us, selfishness is expressed as ourselves unto the world. Thus through our participation in selfishness, we allow the destruction and suffering of the world and ourselves to continue as the the expression of selfishness as ourselves.

It quite simple, that which is allowed within self is allowed to exist within this world as ourselves. We all have to do our part. It is up to each and everyone of us to stand for all life equally, to not allow self-interest to exist within and as self. The alternative is complete separation of us all, for as long as any self-interest is permitted to remain existing, we will only be able to exist as the separation that we have allowed to exist.

I realize that I am of a handful of beings on earth that realize what has to be done. This does not make me special, but understanding that each of us contribute to this reality by what is allowed to remain existing within each being ; it is my responsibility to end all self-interest within me. Knowing and merely talking about what has to be done is a far cry from actually doing it. The belief structure that we are all separate from one another still exists within and as me, and it is upheld and fed through the thoughts that are allowed. Still, this is only knowledge that I have acquired, and is not something I have yet proven to myself. There is a belief that maybe I have not explored all facets of the mind, and that maybe I should explore further, before I speak of 'hand me down' knowledge. This is one reason that I have not yet stopped all participation within the mind. I have assumed that my beliefs have been true, and in that assumption, I seek to prove my assumption to be true. It is a program existent within me, and it will continue as long as I allow that program to run. In each allowance of it, I allow further exploitation of the mind's agenda.

Are all thoughts self-interest? That is the question that I have not answered for myself. I am told that they are, yet I do not know this for a fact. I can know however, by simply being aware of the starting point of each thought that bides for my participation. I have not really questioned the thoughts that emerge, and the origin of them or their underlying motive. In being self-honest as I am faced with each thought, I can prove to myself the nature of each thought and whether or not there is merit to any thought and if any thought is worth considering. I have not been willing to put each thought to the test; and have been scared to investigate further, for fear of participating within a thought. This fear is invalid, not only because if a thought is within me, then it is me, but also because thoughts do not control me without my permission for them to control me. So here I stand to expose each thought, and the actual motive that lies within. Testing in progress...Results pending...

2009-09-24T19:21:00.001-07:00

I can't wish myself away from here, and that illusion has been my primary motivation within each moment. Seeing all that I have allowed of myself rushing to the fore front urges me to run and take cover. It can be downright discouraging to see it all while knowing that I have no other choice. It is what I have allowed, and I have to face up. The pain that I have ignored, and looked instead toward a promise of a greater existence, that I may be distracted from the reality that I have been the cause of my own suffering, because I have been steadily removing myself from existence, and the consequence has been the pain that I experience within myself and within the world, likewise.

One thing at a time, one step at a time, dealing with what is here. It is within this context, and not and end result, that I may remain here. I have had a hard time swallowing that pill, because I have so long consulted with my imaginations of somewhere beyond here, at the end of the rainbow. Although, that can be known, it is a mere theory to me at this point because I have not proved it in any way within this physical reality. There is only one way to do that, and that is to remain here within this physical reality. I have continually allowed myself to be whisked away into an imaginary reality within the mind, because I have deemed it too difficult to remain here, and face what is here within this physical reality.

Accepting that this is the only reality is a contradiction to all that I have believed, and coaxes me to an "easier" path. A path that disregards the present reality so that I may be comforted by false hopes and promises that do not exist anywhere, except for within the delusion of mind. What an unfortunate prospect it is to undertake the anxiety that is manifested within, by dreaming about a day that I will finally reach the top of a mountain, and all the while missing every moment that I am here, to instead place value on an idea that my existence will somehow be of greater worth when I arrive at a particular destination. In the meantime, my existence here is of no concern or of any worth, because I have thrown each moment away as if it is to be stomped upon for no other purpose than to get somewhere else. Such a tragic comedy this pursuit of everlasting peace has created!
___________________________________________________________________

I detect a resistance within me regarding direct assistance of others to support me. I have already seen, within me, a tendency to becoming dependent upon communication with another being, in that I would rather struggle along with another's encouragement instead of standing alone and realizing that which I already know about myself. I already know what has to be done, and that because I understand that I must stand absolutely here under all circumstances, and I wish for "one last time" that I may indulge in what I have done for my entire life.

It is the very same thing that I identified earlier within myself, which is wishing myself away from here into another existence within the grandeur of the oh so extravagant mind. Persistence does not adequately describe the absoluteness of standing here. It all appears to be a menacingly enormous task, because I have not stood here, and have instead seen it within the definitions that I have had of a duration and as many separate events as viewed through a scope of time. Separate events is how I have come to define the world and myself. It is as simple as remaining here, yet I haven't shaken the idea of a linear existence, and I have chosen to instead look at my "progress" in relation to how much time has elapsed, and how many events have taken place. Comparing and judging myself in relation to how far I have come, and how far I think I have to go.

Hehehe. It all seems so ridiculously obvious that there is only one moment here, and that this is the only reality. But not yet can I be trusted with life, because I have so far proven that I run away and hide from what is truly here, so that I may catch a glimpse of what is elsewhere in a fairy tale of self-definitions and self-analyzing and self-judgments. HERE, HERE, HERE! HERE, HERE, HERE! HERE! HERE! HERE!

If by my actions and beliefs, I imply that there is something beyond, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be anywhere but here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view this existence as a series of separated events, instead of realizing that I am here. I am here. I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the difficulty level of future moments to come, thereby losing awareness that I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the thought pattern that, things are easier or more difficult in relation to an event that does not exist except within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a future event where it will all be "better".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the belief and thought pattern that there is some sort of conclusion that is the epitome of existence, above and beyond.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am getting somewhere now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the belief of finality. That one day soon if I play my cards right I will be finally at peace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to define and judge my existence here, rather than just be here, this moment.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this moment is implied eternally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the thought pattern: "I hope I make it this time" which only implies that there is a destination over there somewhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to squander self-direction because I have not allowed myself to trust that I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "make sure" I am not fooling myself by consulting the mind that compares myself in relation to the past or future projection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look "beyond" here.

I live here. I live here. I live here. Here. Here. Here. Breathe. Breathe. Here I am. I am here. Her I am. Breathe. Here I am.

2009-09-04T21:49:00.000-07:00

Within expressing self-honestly and how we delude ourselves with dishonest behavior, it may be seen as ideology, and in defense of allowing oneself to remain a dishonest system, will be seen as an impossibility, not because it is impossible, but to give an excuse to why a person is justified in continuing within and as the abuse that is participated in within their lifestyle. Statements such as, "nobody's perfect", is a prime example of justification of what one is currently participating in and as.

It is comforting to think that one is currently living as one should, according to how a holy book says one should live. That belief removes any possibility that a person will see the consequences of their behavior. The belief that a person is who they tell themselves they are, is self-deception defined, because within that definition, a person hides their self from themselves, and chooses to look at their definition and not who they are here. It is tragic that the bulk of humanity currently lives this way, and are not willing to see themselves for who they are out of fear of what they will realize. Every method to protect themselves from exposure to the truth of themselves and the world is employed. Logic and reason is used to create an illusion that they are who they say they are. While in fact, they are nothing but a system of justifications and excuses.

This defense mechanism is so ingrained within individuals, that it is hard to imagine that we will be equal as one in all ways for many years to come. However, if it is true that we have been placed within a bubble, built out of the abuse that we unleash upon ourselves, that this process will be compressed into a few decades. As far as I can see, we will have to experience a living hell within ourselves, and become aware that it has been us that has been responsible for the widespread suffering all along, before anyone really stands and says no more do I allow this abuse within myself to exist.

It is quite ironic that I welcome the hell on earth that will manifest in the years to come. It has been a little difficult to watch people's self-deception and the suffering that it causes, yet I know that this will be necessary for most people before they decide to stop all self-interested behavior. I have often felt guilty about rejoicing in seeing people's lives come crashing down around them, and did not understand why I felt this way. But, now I see. It is not because I wish to see suffering, but because I know that it will take losing everything, before most will decide that enough is enough. Yet, for some, they will cling to their beliefs until the bitter end, when there is absolutely no other option available.

My problem within this has been an anxiousness to see it all unfold. That also is not acceptable, because within that I live for a future event, and toss 'here' out the window, as if it is yesterday's garbage. That is participating in self-abuse and taking self here for granted, exactly the same as what I have just identified within other people. I have not much room to talk, for I have not yet stood myself. It is inevitable, that I will stand, yet it is me that will determine how and when that will be. I can stand. I can remain here. I know it. I only have to prove it to myself within each moment here, within self-honesty and self-forgiveness.

2009-09-01T22:14:00.000-07:00

Seeing the many different ways that people delude themselves can send me off into my mind if I allow that to happen. If I allow that to happen, then I become unaware of what it is that I am doing, and all that I am participating in. The need or desire for people to see how they are deceiving themselves is yet another way that I can be distracted from myself, and instead look toward a construct of the mind as a situation that exists only within my mind, that I have defined as better than here.

I've been totally shielded from self-awareness, because of such pipe dreams. Because within this anticipation of a better world, an anxiousness is allowed to emerge from within, and I become enamored with an idea, and lose sight of what exists here as myself. Certainly, this applies to myself, also, in that I anticipate a better me, and try to bring about this ideological being into existence. Yet, within chasing this imagined better self, that is completely and entirely self-honest, I immediately become a being of wanting, which only proves to remove me from realizing the being which remains here within self-honesty. To be self requires nothing. This simple realization eludes me only because I continue to search for what is already here.

I have believed that my thoughts are reality, and that to let go of my involvement in the thought patterns that emerge, that I will have no reference, nor any way of knowing myself. It is critical to let go of thoughts. However, the letting go is effortless, it is who I am already. This has been the most difficult thing to realize. I have not allowed self to be self alone. Instead, I have attached self to purposes and definitions, because I thought that that would get me closer to the truth. It has only complicated and added baggage that I have believed that I needed to lug around, lest I lose myself. Letting go of everything that can be lost, and self remains eternally. If I cling to anything, it implies that it can be lost, and thus it is only temporary. That which cannot be lost is self, absolutely, unconditionally.

2009-08-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

It is incredible the amount of bullshit within me. All that I've allowed myself to exist as. Generally speaking, it has been the definition of myself as less than what could be. Not taking into consideration myself here, but looking at an idea of a grander self, and a grander world. It has totally become me. So much so, that it is an automatic response within almost every situation. It is a staggering revelation to realize that it is an actual physical manifestation. That nothing within me, that I have become, is of any value. That I, physically must remain here within the physical, as the manifested physical reality that I have allowed from myself. To see who I have become, and to no longer allow any participation in that which has gotten me to this point through what I have allowed of myself. Which is the definition of self as something in relation to a definition.

Physically, I have become the expression of a definition of self, and that is as real as I am. Not really existing, except for within a definition of existence. Not existence itself; but a definition of existence, indefinitely, for as long as I participate from within and as the manifested definition of self as actual self.

To forsake all that I have become, because there is not an iota of reality within that definition of the physical as the physical.

I have talked of this, but have not been heard, only because those who are listening are not willing to see that they, themselves, are participating within and as this illusion, as a physically manifested expression of non-existence/illusion. It is not even a consideration because within and as their involvement of and as illusion, they continue to believe themselves to be the illusion that has been created by and as themselves to be real. Not seeing the implied reality within following an assumption that what they believe is reality and the only reality worthy of consideration. The expression of self as a self-eradication. The reality being that they are the physical expression of self-deceit and illusion. Self removing self from existence, because they would rather continue existence within and as the manifested illusion, rather than realizing that they have become the process that removes all that is real from within self, until nothing real remains existing within and as self.

Talk of this, or even hinting at the possibility that they currently only exist as an illusion is seen as lunacy, because within and as the existence of self as illusion, reality represents lunacy. Reality will not make sense to those who believe illusion to be reality; and to speak of reality will be seen as complete and utter, inconceivable, craziness. Because they have been completely integrated into and as the illusion, thus can only function as that illusion.

It is to see self-here and to not participate in anything that self has participated in that has manifested self as the existent illusion that self has become. A self-honest illusion, letting go of self as the definition of self that has been clung to. Because to the illusion, only that which consists of the illusion is seen as real.

The reality in this is that self has not yet proven that self is real, and that self has allowed thoughts, beliefs, and ideas to have jurisdiction and dominion over what is actually here.

Within all of this, I see that much of what I say or express will likely be viewed as non-sense, and will be discounted as delusions and beliefs that I have assumed are true. That because if I express self-honesty as who I am here to a being that is aligned with the idea that their thoughts and beliefs are actually what is real, then the relationships that I have kept will disintegrate, because relationship cannot be sustained, because within self-honesty, I can no longer allow myself to acknowledge an illusion as reality. This has already begun, because what I have expressed to some has challenged their current perspective of themselves and the world around us.

Reality can never be realized within the limitations of basing an experience upon acquired knowledge, because knowledge is based upon the past, which is not a direct experience/expression of what is here, but is only based upon an assumption that what is believed to be true must be true. Of course, the only way to know the truth is to be one and equal to the truth, of which there is no space within truth that deception can exist.

Beliefs do not make or unmake reality, they are simply beliefs, that have no influence upon the actuality of a given moment. It is a mere imagination, and nothing of an illusion can ever exist within that which is real. One percent illusion within 99 percent reality still equals 100 percent illusion.

2009-08-20T17:46:00.000-07:00

There is a distinct possibility that I am resisting seeing an important point, because I find myself not very specific in the ways that I am assisting and supporting oneness and equality. As if I have overlooked the obvious. Or maybe I have underestimated what it takes for me to become effective. I have not yet stood here as myself for longer than a few moments. Not really standing but, being here as the breath for a few moments, and it has been back into my mind until I realize that I am in my mind again. So, I can't be more effective within this world than I am with myself, since I am one and the same as the world itself.

There is still an underlying selfishness within, because I have not yet been able to give of myself unconditionally. Somehow, I have been holding myself back. I have not yet unconditionally expressed myself, but only expressed who I am when, I have felt comfortable with the probable outcome of self-expression. So I have been hanging onto the life that I have manifested for myself, because what has been manifest, I have not been willing to completely part with. I have thus far proven that I cannot yet be trusted with life, because I have not yet allowed life to expand within and as me.

Instead, I have followed rules and limitations according to my thoughts and beliefs of what I should do in order to achieve the results that I have been looking for. I have put my trust in thought to explain to me who I am. Which is absolutely preposterous, because who I am within self-honesty is that in which I express without any reservations or limiting belief systems of right or wrong. I am already me, and there is nothing to find or omit, because I already exist. Censoring myself is absolute self-deception because it only suppresses who I actually am. How can I not be who I am? If who I am tries to become more than who I am already, it is self-abuse, because within this practice, I state to myself that I do not accept myself as who I am, and that I want something more. I can never be more than who I am. That is but an idea. Ideas do not tell me who I am, they only distract from who I actually am within action. Being me, expressing myself is already who I am, and needs not an explanation or definition. Self is self-explanatory, it is who I am, what I express, how I express. Just me here. The expression that I wear. Can I ever not express who I am? I express myself under all conditions. I only need be aware that I am that I am. I express me in every moment. I only need see. That which I see is me. That which I do is me. Everything that is or will ever be.

2009-08-18T22:22:00.000-07:00

One of the many ways that I have limited and suppressed myself is by fearing that by being myself, that I will be rejected as who I am. So from that starting point, I have only allowed from within me, that in which I have believed will be accepted by others. I have only allowed myself to express myself within the "safety" of not being rejected. This has been extremely limited, because not all people accept the same personalities. So I have looked for a personality in which I will be accepted within everybody's opinions. Essentially, nobody. Not standing as myself, but only first calculating the acceptance level within a given circumstance, before acting. Then acting in order to be accepted as an acceptable personality.

To not act according to a belief system. Exactly how is this done? Simply do not allow beliefs. To which one may say "how can I not believe in anything?" Through participating exclusively within and as what is here. It does not require a belief to be here and to act here. I am here. Not a belief or conclusion. But merely what IS. Awareness of what is here. So can I act without believing anything? Certainly. Here, within every moment of every breath. Seeing is not a conclusion or belief. Awareness of what is seen. Belief is acting upon a memory or assumption of what is here, based upon knowledge of the past. It is rigid and lifeless, and is bound by its own structure and cannot act here because it exists only within the mind, constructed and based upon the past. Never here.

So to take it a step further is being honest with self in what is currently taking place within and self. If it is seen that self is abusing self or another, then stop, and no longer allow that from self. Because self IS that which one is in participation of, from within.

Tendencies to react according to how a program has been designed for me to act have continuously stripped me of awareness of self within every breath. It is what I have allowed because I have believed that I am nothing more than thoughts, beliefs, and definitions of myself and of the world around me. Entertainment for the mind to remain active and existing. To exist within thoughts so that I am completely unaware that self even exists, and that I allow it all to manifest as myself by my participation in abdicating self-responsibility of all that in which I participate. When I am within thoughts, I am completely unaware of that in which I am participating, because it is a program, and the program is not designed to include self-awareness. Self becomes drowned out in a cacophony of noise and distractions, as thought process.

In general the tendency to find out where I am in relation to something has been the most prominent stumbling block. For instance, when I have awoken in the morning, the tendency has been to reassemble my memories and definitions of "where" I am. As if that is at all necessary to begin the day. As if it is necessary to remember that my dog died so that I can remember to be distraught about the perceived situation, for instance. As if I am required to remember "who I am", so that I can remember how to act, before I can act. All of that is limiting myself to one possible outcome, which is doing exactly as I have been programmed to do.

Who I have thought myself to be within all of my definitions and judgments has enabled a personality, that can only act within the boundaries of that defined personality. A robot with a specific program to remain existing as that programmed personality.

As the program, I will at all costs, protect the robot and the program to carry out what I was programmed to do, which is to use and abuse self for its continued existence. This is why it is vital to stop allowing myself to exist as a programmed personality. As the program, I can only abuse myself and others, because self-abuse is how the program has been designed to remain existing.

2009-08-17T23:56:00.000-07:00

Eternity in a bubble, with only me. That has serious ramifications. If I exist as abuse in any way whatsoever, then I have eternity to realize that I have only allowed myself to exist as abuse, which as it turns out, abuse of another is self-abuse, because I would exist as abuse as myself. As long as any is allowed to exist as abuse, then we all exist as abuse.

It is quite simple, yet because people realize that if they were to look at themselves honestly, then that might mean that they would have to ditch the belief systems that they have held onto oh so dearly.

I had a discussion today about how I have allowed my idea, of some greater existence, to direct my every move. The guy's name is Jack, and he asked me if I think I am complicating things. He has many ideas that he takes for granted is the truth. So telling him anything is of little use. He waits to speak, and does not listen to that in which I am saying, but rather gauges the validity of what I say according to his own beliefs and preconceptions of truth.

Defending and advocating the belief systems that have been employed by a person is a very, very common reaction. Of course he is 75 years old, and obviously believes that there is nothing that I can say that he, himself hasn't already figured out.

From myself, I see that when someone is not willing to take a look at anything other than what supports their belief, that there awaits an opportunistic frustration that will jump at any chance to take hold of me in order to direct me to continue to allow more breeding of frustration from within. This is an unacceptable reaction, because it only punishes and abuses myself, by looking at a scenario within my mind and defining that situation as better than here. Meanwhile, I will have already taken what is actually here for granted, and instead, imagined a situation that is apparently better, in order to define here as less than optimal. It is a reaction to an imaginary definition of existence here.

Seeing this is of no value in and of itself. Taking action as not allowing a false definition of the circumstance to direct me is the only thing of 'value'. What is here is all that is real. So I breath, and see what is here. Not an interpretation of what is here, nor what could be or might be, because that is living within an imaginary existence. Not self-application, but self-abuse and self-deceit.

2009-08-14T19:16:00.001-07:00

The thought and belief patterns have already been established. Thoughts and beliefs have been constructed from the perspective of "I" as the central figure. "I" will always be the central figure within thoughts. It is within the programming and construction of thoughts, that "I" is always the central figure, the most important, the one to be most concerned with. There is nothing that can be done to change that, because it has already been established that "I" is central. Thoughts are concerned with one thing. Me, me, me. How does the world relate to me? From within a thought, "I" can only be the central interest, because that is the way that every thought has been constructed. Me as the most important, the main agenda. Abuse is accepted within a thought, because all but "I" will be compromised. Fuck the world, as long as "I" remains intact and unchallenged.

This "I" is an idea, constructed thought by thought, definition by definition. It is an imaginary identity. Protection of that identity is the core concern. Because it has been constructed over time, it will not be willing to allow any threat to its survival to exist. The one threat to its survival is self-honesty here. Here, "I" cannot and does not exist, because "I" requires participation of self to allow the definition/identity of "I" to exist within, in lieu of self.

Because the identity, "I" is permitted to exist, self withers away into nothingness, as "I" infests and consumes self entirely. Self was never allowed to exist. Self was taken for granted, and instead of allowing self to expand into life, self was brushed aside and replaced with hopes and dreams of something more. Something better, something more beautiful and wonderful, something beyond. All just an idea. Just an imagination. Unreal. A definition.

Self. Not a definition. Not a belief. A being. Here. Unimaginable. Life. Touchable. Real. Substance. Existence.

2009-08-13T21:58:00.000-07:00

I am continuously participating within and as this world according to what I allow from myself. My experience of myself has been based upon thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and emotions to explain the world around me. In essence, self has been missing within the experience. By allowing my thoughts to explain me and my experience, I have missed me altogether, and instead have believed what my thoughts have told me about reality.

An explanation is but a representation or description of reality, and not reality in fact. It is only a description handed down by an interpreter. To believe that an interpreter can sufficiently describe reality is ludicrous. Yet, I have bought into the idea that I am blind, and must look to an interpreter to explain the world and myself to me.

Maybe more than anything is the belief that I need something. An incessant sales pitch, describing a better me, a better world, a better experience, a better existence. All of which, are paths away from me, here. It isn't that I ever actually leave here, but it has been the belief that I am getting somewhere away from here. The proverbial carrot on a stick, which proves only to promote more seeking, and seeking to maintain status.

The pitch goes something like this: "If you want to remain here forever, then follow me. Or if you don't want to remain here forever, then follow me." It is an illusion that something beyond self will ever exist, just as the prospects of escaping self will ever occur. They are two sides of the same illusion. Self exists here, there is nothing more or nothing less, nor will there ever be.

Self IS here, unexplainable, undefinable, simply here. Existence entirely, absolutely, indisputably.

2009-08-11T23:07:00.000-07:00

There are a number of pleasurable experiences that I have continued to believe are something that I must have in order for life to be worth living. These things have held my attention as what I have believed are the source of my enjoyment. I have seen these things as something outside of me that causes me to experience what I experience. Yet, I have been the source all along. It has not been something outside of me, but that has been my belief. I have believed that certain various things define my enjoyment. I am the cause of my enjoyment, but have all along believed that something out there has caused it. Circumstances that I have defined as enjoyable have led me to believe that I can only experience joy if the circumstances meet certain criteria for enjoyment to exist. So from that belief, I have tried to change the circumstance into what I have defined as enjoyable.

I will use the example of heads and tails to illustrate. If I believe that heads is enjoyable and tails is not, then from that belief, I try to manipulate the circumstance so that heads will occur more often, and last longer than tails. Yet I have not seen that it has only been me allowing myself to experience joy, when the circumstance has been heads.

I have never been bound to experience joy only while the circumstance is heads, but I have believed that it must be that heads has caused my enjoyment. I can experience joy at any time, but I have not allowed myself to do that unless I believed the circumstance permitted it. All along it has been me directing me in allowing it or not. but I have directed myself to be directed by how I have defined the circumstance.

For instance, when people say look on the bright side, this implies that there must first exist a bright side in order to experience joy. We are not bound by a circumstance to experience joy, but we have permitted ourselves to be dependent upon what we have accepted as a definition of when it is possible and when it is not possible for an enjoyable experience to exist.

2009-08-05T23:04:00.000-07:00

I have dishonesty points about needing people. About proving that I need no assistance, that I can make it on my own. As if to tell the world that I am independent. A smugness to say that I am too good to need any help from anyone. An idea that I can make it anywhere under any circumstance. To say that I can take all the punishment that you can dish out.

But what does this say about me? That I fear being a burden to anyone. "Ignore me. I do not even exist. Forget that you knew me." I"ve been hiding myself out in the open.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear letting people down.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear intimacy with other people.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear showing vulnerability, and hide it by displaying vulnerability, to make sure that people will not invest in me.

I have some subtle addictions. Addiction to excellence, a well-rounded excellence. Addiction to extreme balance of obsessiveness and fear of commitment. I have often obsessed over something, and later become obsessed with something else. Swinging from one extreme to the other in some sort of balanced mayhem. Extremely lukewarm. Addiction to non addiction, commitment to non commitment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being less than excellent, because I fear that someone may want to help me and get too intimate with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being controlled by my emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing vulnerability in another person because they may want to admit/confess their dishonesty to me, and express intimately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire privacy, and have done everything imaginable to maintain my privacy by making sure that people maintain their privacy.

I have kept people at arm's length, and have lived within a semi-cloudy bubble. I have shown myself but only through a blurry window. I have wanted to be mysterious so that I am able to remain slightly unclear, or not completely understood or available for close up inspection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people showing me what I already know about myself, but I am unclear about, because I want to do it on my own, my own way, alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish to be an island, completely uninfluenced by suggestions, because I have given more worth to finding out by myself, without any help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear uncovering how I can best assist others, because I fear that I may do a less than excellent job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my best may be only mediocre.

I see that I have been fearing mediocrity, so I have stayed within a bubble of comfort, and only participate in activities that I am confident that I have the ability to be excellent.

So what would be something that I would be really mediocre at doing if I gave it my best?

2009-08-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I found myself searching for ways that I could permanently change, for instance, how can I change so that I no longer get angry, and I had the simplest realization. Which is to stop.
I've seen this solution before, but didn't really see that I was actively participating in the continuation of me as anger, by looking for a path that would lead me to serenity.

To step foot onto a path leading to somewhere implies that I am not yet there, and I that I will be there when certain conditions are met; sometime in the future, when I become an imagined likeness of what I believe must happen for me to achieve a desired state of being. 'Desired state of being', being the key words here. This has been a path that I have believed would take me to where I must go, but it never occurred to me that the path does not lead to where I think it does.

Whereas, stopping here, is indisputable. I stop participation in anger, here. Period. There is no guesswork or assumptions of a destination. I am here, I am either participating in anger or not. Simple.

The major fuck up has been me telling myself, "okay, I've got to stop being angry." In these words, I have unknowingly said to myself, "I have no power to stop being angry. I am a victim of the anger that consumes me. Hopefully, it will stop." It is a self-fulfilling prophecy of helplessness toward anger.

"I either allow anger or I don't." In stating this, I am saying that I am responsible for all that I allow from myself. That I direct me, instead of playing the role of a helpless victim.

2009-07-30T09:10:00.000-07:00

When we adhere to an idea of what it is that we are supposed to become or do, it is the ultimate limitation. Because we lock ourselves into a certain pattern, and are not able to be in the moment, freely and spontaneously. Everything becomes omitted from consideration except for that which fits in with the idea. This is self-enslavement to self-imposed rules and outcomes. So instead of riding the wave, with the wave, and as the wave, we become rigid and struggle not to be influenced and controlled by the wave, instead of remaining free to move self as the movement that is occurring. Being one and equal to the wave.

2009-07-28T22:49:00.000-07:00

Using the example of driving a vehicle as something that I know; it is not necessary for me to be conscious that I know how to drive before I know that I know how. It is also not necessary for me to define who I am before I know who I am, because I already know, it is in my being as my being. Thoughts are not necessary. There is who I am, and there is who I believe I am, which is a manufactured imitation or representation of who I am, and requires a process of formulation of a conclusion.
Searching for a conclusion is the first step in thinking, and is not here directly. It is limited to the constraints of time, and only serves to dilute a pure experience to a polluted stream of delusion. A messenger is not needed to explain me to me. I am already here, and that needs no explanation. Nor can it be explained without fabricating a separate reality.

2009-07-27T20:41:00.000-07:00

This being that I've become is driven by wants, needs, beliefs, feelings and emotions. In particular, beliefs are taken and made to prove that my belief is valid. It is a limitation on what is actually true. As a simple example, one may believe that hugging a rock is the best way to climb, and is the only valid method of climbing. Because a person has been successful using the method of hugging the rock to complete a route, it is not even considered that there may be a more efficient method. This leads to more beliefs, such as, the reason a route cannot be completed is because there are not sufficient handholds, and because it is not even considered that maybe the methods employed are flawed or less than ideal.

This same basic structure of belief is how I have become so limited to self-imposed rules and boundaries in this existence. By taking for granted that what I believe is true, I limit myself to those beliefs, and act within the rules of that belief system.

Some beliefs that pop up for instance is the belief that I know better than most people. Or the belief that I need to know, or that there is something out there that still needs to be figured out. They are old habits, and they give me a sense of security to cling to my old ways. It is scary to drop my beliefs, because without them, what do I know? It is the belief that I will not know how to move or where to go next. In this, there is no trust in self movement, but instead my trust is placed in what I think I know.

Knowing is when beliefs and thoughts are not here. It is instantaneously here. This instant, what do I know?... Nothing that has to be explained or figured out, or anything that I have to tell myself, for what I actually know is lived and not calculated; nor is it something that can be clung to. It is here as myself as I express myself here. Knowing and unknowing is really just the same thing: awareness.

2009-07-10T00:03:00.000-07:00

A girl named Jessica sparked my interest today. I wanted there to be a special connection of some kind, because she was petite, attractive and confident. I was already looking to form a relationship with her. I wanted to capture her before anyone else had a chance. All self-interested behavior. In this world, I have found that I have very little capacity for forming relationships, but it is something that I have so desired for myself. Who I have become is fucked, from the perspective that I can not, as this being that I exist as here, make any difference within this world, because I have separated myself from the whole of existence and placed myself in a bubble of my creation as a being that cannot ever get satisfaction. Continuously observing myself as not getting exactly what I want. Judging and comparing myself to everybody and everything. This judgment has become me, and it is this very thing that I have become that I must not allow any longer. And it is not something that I can all of a sudden be rid of. It is a systematic process of not participating in this 'me' that wishes to continue existing.

This 'me' will always be self-interested, and there is nothing that can be done about that, because I already exist as exclusively self-interested. It must be proven that I will not allow this being to ever be summoned under any circumstance, by confronting, and systematically disconnecting each circuit that transfers energy to it, until access to any and all energy has been severed.

2009-07-08T21:16:00.000-07:00

For a while, I've been watching myself and the ways that I participate in self-image enhancement. What I have noticed lately is that, even my attempt at not participating, has been largely about proving to others that I am not participating in self-image enhancement. Thus, still participating. I've only recently become aware of this, and I find that it is actually much, much simpler to just watch to see if I am participating. That is as far as it needs to go. It is actually not going anywhere, but rather just being aware if and when I involve myself in thoughts of 'how do I appear?'

Also, I find that it is simpler and more direct, to instead of telling myself how I should act, to simply skip that step altogether. It is entirely unnecessary, plus it only breeds confusion and limits myself to rules and constraints that I have inflicted upon myself.

For instance, telling myself that I should not judge people anymore. Well, that act of telling myself such a thing, subjects me to becoming unaware of what I am here participating in, and it is not me directing me, but a self-imposed rule that I have confined myself to.

No baggage. No space for rent here. No vacancy, because I occupy me entirely. No tenants permitted to occupy me. Only me allowed here.

2009-06-17T18:22:00.000-07:00

It is important for me to realize that I am already here. This is the time and place, and I live here and shall remain here. I cannot remain here by believing that there is a better time or place than here. What is here is all that exists and all that will ever exist. I take what is here as myself with complete acceptance of it, and do not participate in definitions and judgments of it.
I see that that in which I am experiencing is a fact of who I am here. So it is not to wish that away, or attempt to rid myself of it, because it cannot be changed by wishing it gone or trying to get away from it, because it is simply me.
What I experience is a testament of that in which I participate, and all will be revealed when I see what is actually here as myself. An absolute acceptance of who I am here is awareness of that in which I participate. If I am here, and I am aware of myself here, then I can direct myself here, and not be directed.
It is unnecessary that I strive to uncover more of me, because I am already uncovered and apparent as who and what I experience myself to be. I am already here, and nothing is hidden, but only revealed in seeing what I see. Self-honesty. Me. Simply me here. A fact. A fact that is revealed. I see what I see, not what I want to look at. If I do not see, then that is a simple fact of my awareness. Looking is not seeing, searching is not finding. Only facts are permitted here, not interpretation.
It is me here, and there is nothing to fear; no reason to fear me.

2009-06-15T23:31:00.000-07:00

Writing here only because I don't really want to, also to uncover something that I may be missing. From this point I see that I still want something more than what is here, because here there is nothing in which the mind can participate, and the mind wants to be activated so that it can continue existing. The mind always wants more.
Because I have not accepted that I am who I am here, and because there exists a belief that I can be more than me here, an anxiousness or longing to become something more is created from that belief. It is a point that is imperative for me to transcend; and the only way for me to realize that I do not have to be controlled by that desire to become something more is to be faced with such a scenario. So, for the last few days, I have experienced an anxiousness, which shows me how I have allowed that anxiousness to move me toward an imaginary 'more' than me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience myself as anxiousness because I have believed that there can be something more to me that who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to an idea of what I should be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an idea to direct me, instead of accepting and embracing myself as the existence that I have created for myself.

This is a perplexing point, because I know that it is not necessary for me to exist like this any longer than it takes to prove to myself that I don't have to exist like this. But until I walk through that point, I will not have proven it to myself. So this is why anxiousness rears its head, because it is a fact that I have not yet proven that to myself.

It is necessary for me to face every point of self-dishonesty, in fact, so that I can be certain that there is nothing that can influence me to move from myself here. Until I am absolutely stable here, will anything ever change. But because I have knowledge or a concept of that scenario existing, I have found myself trying to achieve that. I have not lived here, because I have believed that there is a 'there', just out of reach. I have believed that I will somehow be different, but for me to be 'different' implies comparison, which requires a definition of self as lifeless; limited to only that which I have defined as me. In this, there is no flowing of life, but only stagnation and infinite lifelessness.
I have not understood that I am here unconditionally, already, and that it is here that I stand eternally. It is here in this instant that I stand here, and 'there', "when I finally stand", does not exist. It is here, always here. Unconditionally here, eternally here, this moment here, and that is all that exists.
I have wanted the bombardment of the mind to stop, but it is completely irrelevant to me here, if or when it stops existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relish a day when the mind finally stops, because I have defined such an existence as greater than here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that acceptance of self will occur 'then and there', in an imaginary existence, and in so doing, have disregarded here altogether.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted that the mind exists here as myself; that I exist as the mind, because the mind exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself here as the mind that I exist as here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to run from who I exist as here, as the mind as myself as I exist here.

2009-06-08T19:50:00.000-07:00

Talked to my brother, Forrest, today. We are realizing the same things about ourselves, and how we have created our situations. It was surprising to me that he actually sees some of the same points that I have tried to explain to him earlier. However, when I tried to explain things to him before, I was explaining a concept and wasn't expressing who I was, per se, but instead trying to convince him that I was correct, or more correct than he. Points such as being goal oriented versus being self, here.

Our language differs when expressing what we mean. For instance, he uses the word 'happiness', which I tend to have an aversion to using that word to describe living here as this moment in complete acceptance of self here. 'Enjoyment' could possibly be the word that would facilitate our communication.

On the point about being goal oriented, we were also challenged in finding an appropriate expression to describe the alternative to being goal oriented and not participating in an idea of an agenda, but rather just being self here. What we were both trying to identify was that the goal is not necessarily a goal, but that certain circumstances are inevitable if self is trusted as self here.
In other words, if one is to take this moment and live here, then the things that were previously goals are forsaken, and what is here ends up including everything. Because it is realized that that in which has been sought is dependent upon an idea of satisfaction or happiness, and is conditional upon how closely it matches the idea of the 'correct outcome' of the goal in mind. So in this, one finds himself lacking nothing, and each moment is an all included welcome surprise. This enables one to enjoy each moment as it exists here, not limited by the parameters that one had previously viewed as an undesirable or desirable circumstance.

Because the circumstance cannot be controlled, nor can it be measured or defined without fragmenting self and reality.

Awareness is self here, and self is not 'known' quantifiably, but is trusted that self remains here unconditionally, not limited by an idea of what self is or should be, or by what is supposed to happen, or what should or shouldn't happen. The circumstance is simply accepted as self here, and it is from here that self directs self to remain self. In this, there is not a trying to become or to remain self, because self is already self here. Trying to become or remain what self is already, is and has been the birth of myself as fear.

Here is where self-forgiveness and self-honesty is imperative. Because when it is realized, in self-honesty, that one is participating in and as an illusion, image, or definition; that moment is the opportunity to forgive self for involvement in self-deception and to stop participating. This is remaining here unconditionally, undefined. Self allowing self to actually live.

2009-05-30T17:51:00.000-07:00

I don't feel like doing a blog today, so I decided to do one anyway. Still I find that I attempt to conceptualize and define self-honesty as a dead point that can be placed within a box and say that 'this' is self-honesty. It is grasping for something in which to hold onto that has some point of reference, not flowing, but dead and lifeless. It is based in fear that I will lose me, that somehow if I let go of definitions, then surely I will cease to exist. It is second guessing myself, with absolutely no self-trust present; reflecting on what I just did to monitor whether or not I was self-honest, living in the past as a concept. Self-honesty is lived, not experienced as validation. It is here as me, without a definition. It has no sum, it has no value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and conceptualize and place a value upon self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust in myself here without trying to define and try to determine what self-honesty entails.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my trust in the mind as something that can be relied upon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no reference point in which to define myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that in which I do as either self-honest or not self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wander away from here in an imaginary world within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted me as who I am here, and continued a search to find something more than me here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to police myself within the boundaries of a concept of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be more than who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted energy as the force that moves me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add more knowledge in an attempt at becoming more than who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that knowledge will lead me to self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the goal of self-honesty, and not realizing that self-honesty is not a dead point that can be reached.

Self-honesty is living here, not reaching outside of here to gain something. This would imply separation as myself, as something here and something there.

I stop. I remain here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be anywhere or anything other than here as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being self-honest. This in itself is self-dishonesty, because it does not accept me here, but fears a future point that does not exist here, but only as a concept within the mind.

I just realized that defining and placing labels on oneself or others is a secondary action, in that it occurs after what is already here. Seeing a boat in the distance, and saying to self that that is a boat adds an unnecessary step. It is already seen and there is no reason to define it to oneself, because self already sees, and a definition is just baggage in which to lug around.

2009-05-27T21:42:00.000-07:00

A point that is in my face almost everyday is seeing my cousin and his household. The entire family is getting progressively more violent and whiny. He or Cindy do not realize how they are creating chaos in their handling of the situations that plague them. For instance, attempting to correct a child for hitting a sibling, by hitting the child. This illustrates to a child that hitting is a preferred and effective method in which to (resolve a problem/get what is wanted.) So, quite naturally, the frequency of hitting is increased within the family.

What I am faced with is a situation that cannot change because, they are not willing to see or hear that they are the very cause of the chaos that thrives within their family. Their belief that they are living according to God's will, blinds them from the awareness of the situation, and how they CULTivate the ever increasing madness that thrives within their family construct.

The desire that I have for them to see that they are the primary cause of their children becoming more violent and abusive, supports this continued existence as myself.
This is a major point within me. Looking on from the outside, self-defined, as having 'no effect' or as 'losing the battle' separates me from the situation, and ensures that I cannot be effective because I have seen myself as 'powerless' within the situation. This breeds frustration within me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to always have an idea of a better situation than here, which only supports that a 'less than' situation/condition continues existing as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to shake my head and tell myself how fucked up they are, instead of realizing that I have separated myself from them by defining me as less fucked up, and them as more fucked up. We are all fucked up equally, and only by me standing within and as them that anything will ever be different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump at the opportunity to define all of the ways that they are fucked up, pointing out the problems, instead of living and realizing that I am already the solution by remaining here within and as the solution as myself as all that I am within self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh at how ridiculous they are, as separate from them, placing myself above them and not realizing that it is oneness and equality as myself as us that I am effective in stopping all abuse.

2009-05-26T00:56:00.000-07:00

I am amused at myself for wanting to show everyone my "progress" in process. Saying something like, "hey guys, look at me! Look at how self-honest I am!" Now THAT is comedy. Maybe it is a little redundant to reiterate that that in which I want will flee from me because of the law of polarity. In writing that statement, I have to look at the reason I have wanted to state such a thing. What I see is that there is an attempt by me to horde realizations as knowledge, because of an underlying fear that I must repeat it to myself, lest I forget. In this is the very desire, I just talked about. The desire to remain self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to horde knowledge because I do not trust in me, but instead have put my trust in knowledge and concepts.

I also see a preference to live self-honestly, which is based upon fear of consequences of self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to avoid consequences of self-dishonesty, which is fear of the future, and limits me to within a boundary of self-enslavement.

I am here, and I live this moment here as myself here, and not from within fear of the imaginary.

2009-05-24T10:11:00.000-07:00

Specifically, I have wanted to be "cared for". Active encouragement, according to how I have defined it. I've seen times that I have pretended helplessness or incapability in order to get the attention that I have craved for my entire life. I had gotten pretty convincing, because I had even partially convinced myself, and as a result, often got the attention that was sought. Which has been an [awww Lloyd, I'll sacrifice myself for you] type of reaction, wherein, I am the center of attention.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to not be able to stand up for myself because I have wanted to receive attention.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become unaware that I have purposely become "troubled" in order to receive the "nourishment" that I have craved from others.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have craved attention from others because I have not been enough for myself, and in the process of searching have taken myself for granted, and become unaware that I even exist.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have abused myself because I have wanted to play the part of the "poor little victim".

Like when I have been really sick, and the entire family became concerned with my well being. That is exactly what I have wanted from the world. So I have subconsciously sabotaged myself in order to receive this sort of treatment. The Munchausen syndrome.
A subtle way in which I have applied this manipulation tactic is to exaggerate my diligence and or "good-heartedness" to create a "bad" things happening to a "good" person scenario. The depths in which I have become manipulative is staggering. Even to the extent that I became lost in and as the role I was playing, effectively losing me, in order to become a "real" actor, so that my role would be convincing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for comfort from others by playing the victim of tragic circumstance, so that I could "illustrate" to myself that I am loved.

I forgive myself that I have adopted this role of "humanitarian", as myself, to gain the support and sympathy from the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand when I have been capable all along.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent upon the attention and affection of others, to "get me through".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself because I have believed in the image I have defined as being a noble, warm-hearted being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there can exist any lasting comfort in someone or something separate and outside myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that I have created my own suffering, because I have allowed self-interest to direct me toward "more" for me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand here in support of all life equally as one as myself unconditionally.

Unconditionally meaning, unchanging, that which remains unchanged. Myself as unchanged, eternal, never fading, always here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that the caring and nourishment that I have apparently lacked is because I have not assisted and supported myself as equal and one with all beings, but instead from within and as a "me first" existence.

2009-05-19T17:42:00.000-07:00

So to take my last post a step further. As illustrated, if I define myself as a victim of circumstance, in any way whatsoever, then a circumstance will manifest in which I am a victim, as according to my definition of being victimized.

Taking another example; desire. If I desire something; I have stated that I am the manifestation of desire. So in order for me to exist as the desire that I have defined as myself, something must be created for me to desire, because desire cannot exist without an object of desire.

This is allowing an idea that there is something else out there, that can actually be attained, direct me. Because I believe it to be true, my expression will be that of 'something is missing'. In which case, something must manifest that I believe that I am missing , because I have become the expression of 'something is missing', so that apparent situation must certainly exist, as according to my perception, because I have played the role of 'something missing', and thus that situation manifests as myself.

Another example is the idea that, "I've finally made it." This implies that I was not always here, and separate from here. So because I have believed that being here is something that was attained, my expression is that of 'having attained' here or separate from here. Therefore I will experience myself as separated, because I had defined myself as 'having made it', which is a definition of me as separate from what is here. Therefore, if I have defined myself, in any way whatsoever, I have separated myself as something limited and definable, and I am manifested as the embodiment and expression of limitation, limited by the idea or definition that I have placed on myself.

2009-05-18T12:52:00.000-07:00

I have had an issue with self-importance, and I see it in the concern that I have to be regarded in a certain light. I also see it when I have been apparently not noticed or ignored. I used to fight to get noticed, and that didn't ever work out like I had planned, and so I changed the approach to a 'fuck-off' attitude, and all that got me was a charade that I really don't give a shit anyway. This has been 'preferable' to me because I can pretend to be in the abuser role instead of the victim. But it is the fact that I have chosen to participate in either role, through reacting, that has kept me ensnared by a personality manifestation of the past.

I have taken great offense to what people do "to me", and this reaction just reaffirms to myself and the world that I am defined as 'being treated that way.' Nobody does anything to me. I do it to myself, by my active participation in playing the role of 'having had someone do something to me'.

So if I am playing that role of 'I have been disrespected', then of course, I will encounter situations that I am a victim of disrespect, because I have already declared that I am a victim, both to the world and to myself, through my belief or perception or idea that I have been victimized. In this way, the idea of being disrespected is allowing and accepting the possibility of disrespect to exist, and to continue existing.

Because, in reacting, I have affirmed that I am the definition of 'being disrespected', and in that, I exist as a victim within this world. Therefore, the expression of me is that of a victim of disrespect. In which case, this ensures that more disrespect, as defined by me, will exist, because I have defined myself as 'being a victim'. In order for me to exist as the self-proclaimed 'disrespected', something must manifest in order for me to be victimized, as defined by me. So, by my own definition, I become a manifested channel of disrespect, ushering disrespect into this world, as myself, 'the disrespected'.

I am responsible for the world. I am responsible for me; and what I accept and allow from myself, I also accept and allow to exist within this world as myself.

2009-05-16T10:27:00.000-07:00

Perhaps one of the the greatest deceptions of myself is the wanting to know where I am. The desire to be able to say something such as, "I am here, and I have this far to go until I get there." Which, if I look at my life, it has been the exact same chase; an attempt at defining my existence, my meaning, my purpose etc.

It is this singular concept that there must be some purpose to this existence that has created the concepts of happiness, sadness, with, without, and so on. The feeling of emptiness or need has been just the manifested concept of emptiness as myself. All because I have allowed the belief to exist within me that there is such a thing. The want to know, the need to know, the desire to not feel the pain that has manifested as myself, or the desire to hang on to a pleasant experience.

The common point in all of this is self. The illusion that I can actually be away from what is here. It has either been a clinging to a certain experience, or a longing for a different experience. I had not realized that I am here in all of it, and there is not a thing that can be done to ever change that.

It is just an illusion that I need to cling to something, or that I need to strive for something else, because in all of it, there is still only me here. I can neither be lost nor found, because I am eternally here. All searches or clinging is a ridiculous notion that I can be anything or be anywhere else but here. It is the root of all conflict, all suffering, all abuse. I do not participate in such nonsense. I is here.

2009-05-13T23:40:00.000-07:00

Because I have been conditioned in this world to be accustomed to certain luxuries, I have become programmed to not care about anything or anyone but myself. From within this perspective, I cannot be effective, because self-interest is my only concern. I am relatively untouched by the horrors that occur, and even when I hear stories and see news of the suffering within this world, it does not noticeably overlap into my world, because I have been separated from it all into my own bubble of awareness in which I have based my actions. My sight has not reached beyond this "I", for everything has been based on this "I's" needs and desires. I am unaware of everything, because I have only allowed my awareness to consist of what has been programmed for me to see.
It all began because of my own willingness in participating in this limited realm of existence, in which I come first, above the rest. This is the nature of thought. Because in my participation in thought, I can only participate in self-interest, because thought is based on a singular perspective; the "I" perspective. As long as I have thoughts, I am limited to the "I" perspective, and no matter how limitless it may seem, it is still limited by the definitions and interpretations that I have accepted as truth. This "I" sees itself as separate, different, special, and is contained within a limited view of its own beliefs. It can only see as far as it has been; the edge of its sight is the edge of its self-concept. So from within this "I" personality, I can never be effective because within it I am limited to a biased view point, in which "I" is central. This "I's" being exists exclusively of and as thought. It is but an imagined self, dependent upon the definitions of itself and the world to remain existing. Just an illusory identity, that requires conflict or desire to exist.
It has been our search for the meaning of life, or God, love, peace, power, money, sex, etc. that this self, otherwise known as mind, receives the energy it needs to exist. When the mind stops, this pseudo-self dissolves, and I, as who really am, remain.

2009-04-30T20:54:00.000-07:00

This whole illusion that we experience is brought forth by our search for something more. Each and every quest that we engage in is the actual cause of our illusion. Because we look elsewhere for an answer, we have created the illusion that there is an answer. It is an imaginary concept that we believe to be real. We are bombarded by our own beliefs that we must get somewhere, and the idea holds our attention, and as a result we miss what is actually here.

Within every search for understanding lies the very cause of our illusion that there is anything in existence that we need. The pain we experience drives us to search for a way for the pain to stop. So when we allow ourselves to be directed by the idea of a better or more pleasant experience, we follow this idea, and we find a pleasant or grandiose experience, that always fades. So our quest, once again, becomes finding "happiness". Our attention is diverted to an idea; something that does not exist anywhere but in our imagination, and in this we miss ourselves here, effectively living in an imaginary world within our minds.

In my case, the major idea that has held my attention is everybody loving me, and treating me oh so wonderfully, and likewise me being able to love everybody that loves me. So for my entire life, I've looked everywhere for this love, and I have found that is nothing but an idea, that I have believed can be found somewhere, but it has only existed as according to my definition of it. Sure there have been moments of feeling good and wonderful, and happy, and we've all wanted the positive to exist forever, but it always fades, and what are we left with, but the flip side of the coin, the negative. Sadness, loneliness, disgust, pain and suffering. This is all because we have defined what is of more worth than something else. When what we have defined as positive leaves us, we focus upon getting and maintaining it. So the moment here is spent somewhere in the mind exploring ways that it can be achieved, and what is here is totally disregarded. The more we allow this search to drive us, the more we miss who we are here, and the more we become bound by the ideas that shackle us to the illusion of something grander and more exciting than just being here.

Happiness is a farce, since the definition of happiness changes and evolves along with our concept of happiness. When we believe we have found happiness, we find that this happiness gets ordinary, and we need something more. It is nothing more than an idea, that has not an iota of care for us. It is only interested in feeding itself so that it may continue to exist. There is nothing that it will not do to get from us what it needs. Which is our participation in its energy that it has so cleverly disguised as having some value to us. It means something different for each and everyone of us. One person's idea maybe to be able to rape little girls, while another's idea may be that more love is the answer.

Each of these pursuits are equally vile. It doesn't matter, because it is all the same energy. It is all born of the same insatiable creature, which is the pursuit to exist infinitely. Energy, sex, fear, money, greed, sadness, pain, love, happiness, peace, satisfaction, fulfillment, fame, power, status, sanity, comfort, relationships, strength, security, beauty, health, understanding, God, enlightenment. It matters not to an idea. The ideas sole purpose is to exist, and it will use and abuse us as it will to remain existing; and as long as we are willing participants in ideas, we support its continued existence, and along with it, the atrocities and suffering of the world will continue. Because within each idea is its polar opposite that must also exist in order for the other to exist. Good cannot exist without bad. Beauty cannot exist without ugliness.

The design is simple; what fulfills one's appetite, causes another to go hungry. An endless chain reaction. Each one takes another's concept of happiness away to gain their own idea of happiness or fulfillment, without considering that when one gains, another loses. So the suffering continues because each is following their own self-interested idea of what will make them happier, or fulfill their own belief that something is needed.

For instance, the rapist follows his own idea of satisfaction, and the victim follows her own idea of satisfaction. The rapist's starting point is the fulfillment of a fantasy. The victim's starting point is the fulfillment of the idea of being safe and secure. So each have their own idea of satisfaction or fulfillment, and they allow this idea to move them toward a search of a better or more meaningful life. As long as their movement is predicated by an idea, they subject themselves to a world of ups and downs, good and bad, right and wrong and usher the idea into this world along with its opposite. Because each idea can only exist if its polar opposite also exists. One's existence is dependent upon the existence of the other.

Welcome to hell on earth, because through each and everyones' participation in their own thoughts of and as something more or better, something lesser or worse must also exist. As each idea is brought into physical existence, by our continued involvement and energy in transforming the idea into a physical reality, the idea upgrades and compounds exponentially because when what is here matches the idea that we have had, what is here is overlooked, and a new idea that something more than what is here can exist replaces the old idea. So the cycle continues. For all that is created, its opposite is also created, and, in reality, are one and the same life consuming entity.

2009-04-30T15:33:00.000-07:00

I have feared making mistakes because I have not wanted to be known as someone who is often wrong. So when I have been wrong, I have hidden that past, so that I am not judged upon that error. So from all of this, I create a secret world within, that apparently, only I know about. But in this hiding and covering up, I have become the manifestation of dishonesty. This dishonesty is distributed unto the world, because that is who I really have become. There is no way out of this reality, as long as this is allowed to continue.

This hiding or covering up something in the past, attaches me to the past, even though there is no past that actually exists. Yet, because in hiding the past, I carry it with me in my mind, and my actions are based upon an event that, in reality, does not exist. Therefore the reality of the current moment ends up with me acting totally in an imaginary world, instead of here, in the moment, with what actually exists.

The initial error does not carry forth into the future. But reacting to the error is what binds me to an illusion filled world. Because, from the starting point of disguising or reacting to the error, I have accepted an illusion as real, and so the reality of me becomes an illusion that is fed into the reality of this world.

2009-04-29T22:57:00.000-07:00

Something subtle has changed about me. I can't quite put my finger on it...It has something to do with self-honesty and repeating the same cycles over again. Oh okay...it is a developing self-trust. Because I know that I've already been down the road of looking to the mind for reassurance and I know that it only leads to more extensive systems. There is actually some stability here. Something that I cannot remember ever being present in my life. Like I don't have to define something to be able to identify it. As if leaving out a step that I always had believed was necessary for understanding. But I'm finding that I can know directly without having to weigh the pros and cons of a given situation before I make a move. And I just move me to where it is necessary for me to be.

This has been something that I have sought for my entire life only to see it forever just out of reach. I have caught short glimpses and spells of it, yet I always feared that I would lose it, and upon that starting point I would base my actions only to find myself completely lost in a maze of illusion. This is not how I had imagined it to be as in, all of a sudden I am a completely different person. And it is not as if I have reached some ultimate pinnacle of existence. It is more like a flowing experience with no certainty in where I will be, but a trust that I will be me when I arrive. It almost seems stupidly obvious, that I will still be me. But because I have believed that it takes concentration in order to stay on track, I have missed everything, because I have limited myself to an idea of what I should be doing.

It is not a hurrying to get somewhere, because I am already here. I am grateful to be here. And it isn't some emotionally charged grandiose realization or an all knowing existence, in which case, in the past, I couldn't wait to see the results of the new, improved me and my interaction with the world outside. No, it not climactic at all. Just me saying, "Hi me."

2009-04-29T02:25:00.000-07:00

Bernard finally replied to one of my posts, and I see by my reaction of elation that I have wanted to impress him, to seek approval and acceptance. This has been my starting point of much of what I have done at the Desteni forums. Because he has replied to me, I see a habit of wanting to uphold my standing with him, and impress him with my diligence, yet I know that this starting point only leads to more extensive systems within. It is for me, because it is me, self-honesty is me directing myself as myself and nothing more. The want, need, hope for recognition is a huge part of my programming, and I have let it creep back into my life. Not that I had ever rid myself of it, but that it has mearly upgraded itself to another level, that has been so hard for me to detect because self-honesty has not been my starting point.

It is such an automatic response to want to impress others, that it seems uncontrollable and excusable. I have become frustrated at this relentless system, and have wished it gone without applying the necessary tools to dismantle it. It is laughable, yet very significant, that I continue to experience this system. I have wanted to show that I am aware that these systems exist within me, but awareness of its existence is not a solution in and of itself. It still takes corrective action to not engage.

For instance, I see that the idea that I now have Bernard on my side holds my attention on impressing Bernard, and from that I cannot exercise self-honesty because it does not come from the starting point of self-honesty.

He just made another comment that in reply to my comment "so transparent am I". He says "transfer parent", and I realize that my spite was initially a learned behavior mainly from my mother. The way in which she used to hold us in contempt for doing things contrary to what she wished us to do.

I have not really examined in any depth the ways I am like my mother, because I have not wanted to admit that I would be so spiteful and treat others with harshness and fury either openly or in secret. So this I have hidden from myself and others by hiding it beneath an exterior shell of "niceness" and generosity. I have allowed myself to believe that this fury does not exist within me. Which largely has contibuted to the secretive and manipulative person that I have become.

2009-04-28T21:43:00.000-07:00

I have apparently isolated myself from the world, because i have believed that that is what I required to stand up for myself. It is a lonely existence because in this I have separated myself from existence, and by being isolated, I am rather ineffective in this world. I have realized that that was just another way that I was screwing myself.

I am fed up with this existence as an isolated being, living out this existence in the compartments of mind. It is unknown to me whether or not I have had enough of this to finally stand, because I have made statements before, that I have been fed up, only to abandon myself to the whims of my mind. There is pain within me that I have manifested in my isolation, in my heart region. Alowly sining feeling of despair, because I have yet to trust in me, and have placed my trust in searching out desires and an unwillingness to give up my perceived idea of pleasant experiences.

I have believed that I was full of answers, only to find out that all I have known has been a trap for me not to stand. To be so full of answers outside myself is sickening. This full of knowledge with no action has gotten me nothing but more pain and suffering.

I have feared taking action, because I have feared relationships, and in so doing I have created a relationship with the world that is not a pleasant experience. The relationships that I have created are that of pushing people away to let me be as I wish to be. This has worked tremendously well. Better than I had foreseen. I do not wish to play this game anymore, because I am the recipient of my own abuse.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create a threatening persona in order to protect myself from attack.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have abused myself by separating myself as a separate entity, an island of and by itself exclusively.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the inner workings within abuse this world and myself equally.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to attempt to force others into treating as I have wanted to be treated.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wish for exclusive treatment.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to share of myself without censoring that in which I allow myself to express.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to censor myself because I have feared judgment from others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the consequences of expressing myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear what I might happen if I were to just express without judging how I will be judged.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hope for more relationships to be formed.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that although the idea of having another enslaved to me is a comforting idea, that it enslaves us all, and causes abuse to perpetuate within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make statements like "from now on,
I will stand", and in so doing I have projected myself into the future, instead of just remaining here with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge judge judge me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that here is here and never there.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire to be judged as an honest being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a great and honorable person.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to abuse me by ignoring who I am and just saying "fuck it" I will stand later after I indulge in this existence a little longer.

I forgive myslef that I have allowed myself to hide myself from all behind this mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to delay self-forgiveness because I ahve known that that would mean I would have to stand.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to give me to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to avoid contact with forum members bcause I have wanted to create a dynamic of scarcity, which in turn would apparently make me worth more.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to envy those that go to South Africa.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have comtempt for those that are apparently forming relationships in South Africa.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have contempt for those that do not watch my videos.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wish to create a persona as if I do not care what people do.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to secretly wish others to encounter hardships so that they feel regret and shame.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to buy into the idea of status.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wish that I could be someone of high regard.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to delight in the idea of me being an exclusive member of Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express these things about myself because I have had an image to uphold.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be true to myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fool myself by stroking my ego.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have been feeding my ego.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear rejection because of the self-forgiveness I share.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to edit my expression because I have feared losing status.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to worry that I will be judged as a major fuck up, that is in contrast to the image I have wanted to present.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to look for approval or validation of what I am doing or saying.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hope that people will think I am cool.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be so hard on myself and have not allowed myself to laugh at the stupid things that I allow.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wish to be praised.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to gauge myself on what other people say or comment on about me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear what another will think about me, if I am to just come clean.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wait so long to be intimate with me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed others into become intimate with me because i have feared that I may lose a friend if I do.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become intimate with another because I have preferred to judge them as bigger fuck ups than me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not wish to be a chronic poster on the forums out of fear that I may be judged as an attention whore.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to carefully monitor the possibiliies of judgment before I decide to post.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that if I post too much, then what I post will be less likely to be read.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that if I post too much that I will look like I am a know it all.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear calling people on their dishonesties because I will look like the bad guy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to censor myself because I have feared getting into an argument.

There's probably lots more but that's all for now...

2009-04-28T01:17:00.000-07:00

I've been going through cycles of having a willingness to stand for life and then not giving a shit, and then letting my mind take over control. The energy that I would have to stand would lose its power. This, because I have been using energy to attempt to become something greater than myself. Myself is myself under all conditions-no energy needed. This is a major point that I catch glimpses of every now and again. But actually remaining here sans energy directing me is something that I have not trusted. I have put my trust in what I "know", in order to feel safe. Much of what I realize and read and see that pertains to reality, has been steadily reverted into knowledge, and I have based my actions upon this knowledge. In other words, I have traded myself for knowledge.

"I must" is energy. "I need" is energy. " I should" is energy, and it all fades away. And so, if it fades, let it be gone. I am still here, and have never needed to be found, but this energy that keeps me struggling and searching, is the very thing that causes me to be lost. Lost in the search, because I have become a -search here- for what is there. This search or desire or striving or anything of that nature has become me, and I have feared losing that, because it is what I have come to believe that I am. So I stop here. For what? For nothing. I stop because I stop. I do not stop, because there is something I wish to attain. I stop because I realize that searching gains me nothing, and that I already have nothing. I am here, and there is nothing else.

2009-04-27T07:15:00.000-07:00

I see that my actions have largely been directed by relationships. Either moving toward or away, according to how I would like to manipulate others to do as I would have them do. Currently I see that I have been running from relationships in order to create a certain dynamic. It serves two purposes, that I see. One is to protect myself from rejection, and the other is to create an image of independence. The whole "loner" fuck you attitude.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have started from the starting point of manipulating others in order to get what I want from them.

2009-04-24T00:13:00.000-07:00

I can see that I have wanted people that have not given me the credit that I have wanted from them to one day realize that they have been foolish for writing me off as nothing special. This is assuming that I am actually something special. Which is, of course, just an illusion or an idea that I have either wanted people to adopt so that I may be treated as something extraordinary. Hardly a minute goes by that a thought of my image doesn't come up. I have wanted to be pampered and greeted with a red carpet by everyone. For me to realize this about myself is only just that. For me to actually stop allowing myself to seek out such treatment is where it really counts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to be treated in a manner that I have preferred.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer to be treated as above or higher than another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try an uphold or create an image of a great being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I am better than most.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act unequal to that in which I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am more than I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see others as less than or more than me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept others as treating me as if I am something more than or less than them.

2009-04-06T21:05:00.000-07:00

There is a balancing I act that I have played within my mind. At any given moment, in the presence of people, I have been concerned with how my actions will make other people feel and what will they think of me. So accordingly, I have acted in a way that I have judged would be pleasant for another in my presence. I have limited myself to certain accepted, tried and true safety net of possibilities.

I have believed that it is my duty to make others feel comfortable. What I have not realized and practiced is that it is not my responsibility how another chooses to feel or behave. But it is only my responsibility to be honest with myself. I have become so engulfed in this lifestyle of compromise, that I am barely aware that I even engage in this limited and self-suppressed existence.

This moment here is the moment that is me. It has been difficult to remain here, because I have had an idea of some sort of end result or achievement that I will reach. But this is the crux of the issue. Because if I practice trying to become something, then I have already missed who I am in this moment, and furthermore I become more adept at 'trying to become'. It is here, this very moment that I am who I am and I practice being me HERE. Funny though, that it actually does not take any effort or energy to be me. I is here. Any effort or energy is an indication that there is a mind involved that attempts to become what I am already.

2009-04-04T22:47:00.000-07:00

So continuing on the relationship thing...I have noticed that when someone has expressed delight in me, then I have moved in order to maintain this or to secure my relationship with that being. As if to handcuff them to me. More often then not, it has been when someone has been impressed by something that I have done, and I have worked toward proving that there is more of the same where that came from. This all comes from the idea that I lack notoriety in this world. It has been what I have sought. To be a god of something. Like a superhero with certain powers.

So, at this point, it isn't that I wish to run and hide or stay away from people, but the effort that I have previously put forth in gaining and maintaining friends and acquaintances in my life by presenting myself in the way that I would like to be seen has shrunk. I am aware that it still exists within, and I know that it is up to me whether or not that cycle will continue.

It almost seems as if I have forsaken the world, because the concern I have for the relationships I have had has dwindled. But I see that new relationships interest who I have become. Especially if that someone is of the female variety. This ego maniacal tendency to act in accordance with what my idea of what it is that people would like to see from me, lingers nearby. I have believed that who I am might make someone feel uncomfortable, so I have hidden. I have believed that who I am might make someone think that I am cold-hearted or callous, so I have hidden. I have feared that I would be completely alone, a stranger to all, so I have hidden.

But if these things are to happen because I am being honest with myself, then so be it. I have been running scared for so long. Running from myself, because I have not wanted to be alone. I am tired of running. I have never embraced the darkness, the unknown. So I have never allowed that from myself, because of my fear of it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being myself, because I have feared the unknown consequences of being me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed presumptions of what will happen if I am to be myself to direct me.

2009-03-29T02:04:00.000-07:00

I have met these people on the Desteni forum, and I find that I often seek their approval, because I judge myself on how I might be perceived by others. In the last month, I have participated on the forum less and less. There are numerous reasons for this decline, but much of it is because I have formed relationships with the people there and a personality has formed from it all. I have so desperately wanted friends that I can latch onto in my life, and to be liked and appreciated for being me. But herein lies the problem, where I have wanted to reach out to people, and it is mostly just reaching out because I have believed I needed people to express myself properly. To be seen and noticed has been the agenda for as long as I can remember.

I can't say that I have purposely moved away, it has just been what I have been doing. My starting point in all of this has become blurred, and my questing for whatever it is that I have constantly sought and tried to attain has taken a toll, because I have been allowing energy to move me, and that is not who I am. There is a feeling within me that wishes to explain myself, to prepare others for me and what I might next do, and this is exactly what I have been doing for my entire life. As if I need permission to be me. To explain so that I am understood. That way I have a hall pass and I am in the clear to be me.

Of course I don't need an excuse or an explanation of why I am doing what I am doing, but that has been my tendency. I have gotten a little tired of trying to lead people to the truth, when I don't even apply the truth of myself in every moment. Talk is cheap if it is only knowledge. Knowing it and not applying it is perhaps worse than ignorance. Which is really what I have been doing. Posting on the forum and You Tube has been largely about proclaiming that I know, or to get an attaboy.

I see that we all go through this process, and all have the same issues in which to deal, and I know that the answer is all right here. The forum has for me has been about expressing myself to an audience, wherein I have become a performer. So similar to playing music has been for me, I have wanted to be seen and heard. It has been just another outlet for me to attempt definition of who I am. What will it take for me to stand here as myself as all that I am?

To be here alone with myself, I have no choice, and all that I see is me. It's funny that there is an immediate response from my mind that wishes to say goodbye or explain why I might not participate much anymore, just so that I may justify or excuse myself, so that people don't get the "wrong" impression. My mind is so deliberately self-defeating, even comical.

2009-03-21T23:34:00.000-07:00

I ordered 5 chickens today. They are straight run speckled sussexes. I have been enjoying the eggs from the 3 chickens already here, and taking care of them. Still, I find that I live in the past and future, rather than just being here. I have become so conditioned to live in an imaginary world that does not exist, and my attention wavers from what is here into fears and concerns that are not present.

Emotions emerge and I know that the feelings can be treated by numerous outlets. But these treatments are only treatments, and do nothing to address the source of the emotions. The pursuit of fixing the problem has only taken my attention from myself, and the search takes over so that I am narrowly aware that I even exist any longer. This forgetting myself is something of an addiction. Because I have desired to rid myself of the experience that I allowed in the first place, and because the search takes me away from it, I become enthralled with the search and the outcome of the search, and totally lose sight of myself here. To forget or to be unaware of myself has been my goal. I have wished that I did not have to exist as I do. Because I have wished for this, it means that I have become this wishing, and from this wishing, it must be that situations are manifested that I must wish for something else, because I am that in which I participate. So the cycle continues because I start the cycle once again by desiring something other than myself here. It is clear that it is not the circumstance that causes the cycle, but my participation in wanting more or something different than what is here.

The need or want for others to empathize with me in my situation keeps me searching outside myself for comfort and understanding. It is because I have not wanted to take responsibility for the way I experience myself. For me to blame the circumstance, and say that I am justified in feeling or thinking a certain way, because it excusable due to my situation and how I see the world.

2009-03-09T20:14:00.000-07:00

From the perspective of who I am, I see that I have a certain placement, in that I pertain to all equally insignificantly. This, of course is a limited view, because it is seen as from within a construct of time. In this world I have equated others that make a difference of great magnitude in a short amount of time of having great impact upon the world. Therefore giving more worth to those that actually appear to be making a noticeable difference.

As far as I see, I make subtle changes that have no noticeable effect upon the world, because I have seen the world from within a bubble of time, and the effect within a given time frame. I have wished to be one that is a world shaker, and it has not ever been. Because of this I have believed that I have fallen short, or that I must increase myself until the world notices me as a force to be reckoned. This has been my life long struggle. I have never embraced a behind the scenes placement, because I have not been recognized as a main player in this world. Obviously this is an ego desire or hope that I may be seen as something magnificent.

In realizing this, I have once again wanted to be recognized as one behind the scenes that does not care about being noticed. But the reality is that I have so much wanted to be be seen and noticed as a humble servant of existence. Strange as it may seem, that in which I desire may already be that in which I am, yet I have not accepted myself, because I have so wished for me to be noticed as such a being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish to be noticed as an image of humbleness and someone that does not care for notoriety.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish to be seen as anything other than who it is that others see me as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect some reward or award because I have been who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be awed because I am who I am.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am who I am, and that I have not chosen this, but it is simply who I am. It is not some achievement to be me, it is just what happens to be me.

2009-03-02T15:53:00.000-08:00

Today, I was talking about how we force our personality upon people in order to prove we are a certain way or being, and the ridiculousness of such and act. My cousin stated that he isn't like that, which only proved that he is exactly like that because he was doing exactly as he had said he doesn't do. Later he attempted to prove he was right and I was wrong about a method of putting up siding. Once again, doing exactly as he has said he does not do.

I must admit I allowed myself to become annoyed at such actions. Seeing the dishonesty within a person has been difficult for me to not react with various degrees of annoyance. Which in all honesty is only self-abuse. For me to allow myself to allow my actions to be directed by the circumstance is giving away any directive action to something outside of me, and in this I become a slave to circumstance to tell me how to act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the dishonesty of other people, by becoming annoyed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to see that I am right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the one that shows others how wrong they have been.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that beings will finally see who they actually are, because in this I have accepted myself to be the hope that there is something more than who I am here.

The future is such a mind fuck, as if I would actually make a difference in who I exist as here. Like as if in some magical way that I would all of a sudden transform into some glorious being other than who I am.

I have looked for a savior of myself, to absolve myself from that in which I have allowed myself to become. For someone to fix that in which I am...I exist as me because I have allowed it. There is no mistake about that. Because I have been the origin of what is allowed within me to exist, it is only I that has any say so in who it is that I become.

If I base my starting point on any knowledge, then I am bound by that knowledge in which I have based my actions. Which inherently is bound to that knowledge. Knowledge is limitation, because it is based upon rules and is never a fresh starting point. It is already tainted with something other than what is here. Concepts and ideas of what it means to live "right". In this, there is no self-trust because trust is contingent upon that in which I have accepted as truth. Which in reality is a past event, and has no spontaneity of life, but only a concept or an idea of what life is, or what it is that life is contained within. Life is all encompassing, and permeates every fiber in existence.

It is that in which I give life to that allows life to exist as it does. All energy that is allowed within existence is an energy that life has allowed to exist. Energy is the destruction of life. For how can energy exist if there is not already something in which to consume? Yes. it changes into another form of matter. But is our existence of mere consuming and transfer of what already is into another state of existence? Must what IS continuously transform to be alive, or is matter already itself alive? Does it take a process of consuming to prove life's existence? Can life be consumed? Only if the expression of life is consumption. In which case, all will be consumed and life will cease to exist, except for the expression of consumption.

We have lived to consume, for thousands of years, because what has existed has not been enough. The thought of no longer existing has kept us bound to consuming, out of fear of no longer existing. Thus our expression has been that of consumption, and not life at all. We have been destruction of life, yet life continues to exist. We have feared that if we do not consume ourselves, then we shall cease to exist. In this, we have never lived, because we have chosen death as our expression of life. Fear of death as our expression of life. Never have we chosen ourselves as life, as the origin of life. We have been all except what life is.

2009-02-25T20:39:00.000-08:00

We talk of the outcome and how we believe that we must live a certain way in order to achieve a certain outcome. But in living and seeing the world from this perspective we fail to recognize that the outcome is already here. That it moves in reverse. From the outcome, which is already here.

Cause and effect. Or more accurately, effect and cause. Because we have lived the effect of desiring more, from the starting point of what could be here instead of what is actually here, it causes us to live as if we are lacking that in which we believed we have lacked. Not living effectively, but living causally.

It is mind boggling to realize that that in which we have so desperately desired is the actual cause of our perpetual desire that continuously manifests. To live here effectively is to realize that I am the effect of all that I have lived.

To live the effect of oneness and equality, is to be oneness and equality, and brings oneness and equality here. It is not about bringing about oneness and equality by persuading the world to live as such, but to live here as if it already exists here. Otherwise, how could a world in which everything is here for all ever exist if we live as if something else must be achieved? If we all live as if there is something that is lacking, then of course, we create a situation in which something is apparently lacking. Thus the world becomes the expression of lack because we have lived as if there could be more than what actually exists. This is the essence of polarity. All because we have believed that there is more than what already exists here.

The starting point must be absolutely clear that it is here in which existence exists. That I live here because here is where I exist. There is no motive. There is only life here; the expression of who I am here.

2009-02-22T13:09:00.000-08:00

This existence that is me and the experience of myself is eternally here as how I allow myself to exist. This means that every process within me that I allow to take place will play itself out to an end. If the process is one of self-dishonesty, then I create myself and the world around me to exist as the manifestation of dishonesty as myself. Any anxiousness, or any energy for that matter is a process that must find its resolve. If it can fluctuate, then it is a polarity manifestation. That which is constant, remains constant. It is this constant that does not change. It is this constant, that is eternally me, that remains under all circumstance. Because the mind is not constant, it cannot remain here. Self-honesty has no mind, because self is self, thus nothing can exist, but that in which I am here. But I have not proved to myself that I remain, because of the processes I allow within myself. I have not become the eternal constant within, and without because I still fluctuate between this and that.

I've talked about sadness and how it appears that when I have been sad, that an empathy or caring for existence comes easy. It is not dependent upon sadness, however, but this is just how I have come to experience it. But from this sadness, I have found that I have become much more open to myself as a gentle being, that wishes no harm on another. A oneness of us all to support us all equally as the expression of ourselves as life and the support of life's essence. It is as if I have had no energy left, and I have only given up on anything that does not pertain to this moment, and not tried to be anything other than the being I have existed as.

This is key. The taking of this moment as who I am here and directing from here. All ideas forsaken, to live here as this moment of myself. The deletion of self-interested behavior, and a supportive nature of us all as who we really are, as that in which is common to us all. An unshakable stability that IS life. Nothing added, nor nothing omitted. I can touch it, yet I have not proved to myself that that is who I am, or who we are. Because I have separated myself from this as a separate part of me that must be accessed beneath a pile of shit, which is all that in which I have wished to become.

2009-02-16T17:45:00.000-08:00

So herein lies the "problem" as who I am. I have wanted to change myself., and in so doing it comes from a point that is related to the past. Change, according to what? Different than before? How can it possible for me to change who I am, if I am starting from a point of "who I am"? It makes no sense for me to start from a point of an idea of who I have believed myself to be and go from there. Because within that I am already declaring that I am who I used to be.

So, by making statements that I will be different next time implies that I will be different in relation to who I was. This still binds me to who I was, and I can never start from here from this point here. I direct myself here, and there is no other way. I am who I am, and I can only be who I am, because who I am already exists as who I am. I can only stop who I have been by being who I am here. to bring into consciousness who I have been only holds me here as who I have been. Thus, in this I never am aware of me here, but only who I have been, and the relationship to that being. Tied and bound to that existence because I have allowed the memory of "me" to continue as me.

Also from a future projection of me, I have already given up on who I am, and have bound myself to a condition or circumstance that I will act a certain way when that circumstance is here for me to act a certain way. From this starting point, it is obvious to see that I will never act here, but only as an idea of how I should act in a given circumstance. This is according to the knowledge I have gained from the past, as to how I should act in the future, which still binds me to the past being that I have begun my journey to not be who I have been. Still the same starting point as from who I used to be. This clinging to the past idea of who I am, based upon the past, which no longer exists, except within the ideas that I have believed myself to be, which is only based on the idea that I have held as myself, which is only an idea that I have equated with who I am here.

If I exist in this way, then I exist only as an idea, and who I am is nil, because who I really am here is unseen because all I see is what used to exist. An idea. Not a real manifested being here as who I am, but a mere concept which does not truly exist at all, except within the idea that I have believed is myself.

2009-02-04T14:00:00.000-08:00

I put Lucy Goose down today. When she was being injected with the death cocktail, there was a moment that experienced an incredible outflow of emotion. I just said her name, "Lucy Goose" as her body went limp. I find that I am still reacting to that event, because I have been reliving the memory of that moment. I see that being, me, in that situation of such torment, that I cry every time it is relived. The sound of my voice in those moments was, for a lack of a better word, "beautiful", real. Something I haven't heard from myself with very much frequency. Utterly honest as myself, the pain, the attachment, the regret, everything at once. To see a being in such a way is heart-wrenching. Thus an empathy for that being is being experienced here. Yet it is a past event to which I am reacting, and who I am here has been taking a back seat, because of my focus on that being in the clinic.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to continuously relive my experience in the veterinary clinic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attached to the being in the clinic.

Another point I have seen is that I see from the others' in the room point of view. Especially Amanda. Seeing her seeing my pain and the affection I had for Lucy. For her to know that I was experiencing much pain, and to know that much of the pain she felt was because she saw me in so much pain, also letting her see the affection I had for Lucy. So to know that one can be so empathetic toward me is much of the emotion that I have been experiencing. In a sense a oneness of beings. A caring for that in which we all experience. Us together as one.

2009-02-02T20:25:00.000-08:00

The origin of me. What originates from within me is all that I am here. It is an absolute expression of who I exist as. To become aware of myself as all that I exist as here and to embrace that and forgive that in which I become aware and be born anew, without ties to that in which I have been. To begin a new life here. To stand as myself as the expression and support of myself and existence as the actual manifestation of all life. To be the actual origin of life in support of all life one and equal to life as myself here.

For all that I am here is all that is created from within myself and within the world. If this self is self-serving and self-interested, then separation is created within and as myself within this world. It is to be willing to stand as myself as life as all one and equal to life as the self-honest expression of myself here. When I am aware that I serve a portion of this existence above another, I stop. I forgive me, and move from here as all that I am within self-honesty. Not for a certain lovely experience of myself or some experience that would serve this being above another. But to serve myself as all one and equal. It is who I am that creates what is here and if this being serves one more than another, then polarity is involved and thus equality of life is compromised because one is deemed more important than another. The reality of me here is what I must be willing to see and face and apply the necessary action that stands for equality and oneness of all beings within existence.

It is a hard pill to swallow that I must give up my own comfort and my accepted way of life for all to realize oneness and equality. Yet it is absolutely necessary in order for this world to become all supporting and all loving of itself. I know, as does everybody know, exactly what one allows to occur within. It is our own allowance of ourselves to compromise existence in order to make this experience of ourselves more enjoyable from within this small scope of experience as myself.

From within what must emanate is that in which supports us all equally in every moment here. This is of utmost importance. To forsake this point of view as myself, and to see the bigger picture as myself as all life within existence. The truth of me. The absolute reality of that which is created here as who I exist as here within each moment of breath as myself. It is me for life, for myself as one being. As one entity. The origin of life here. Unless I am the origin itself, that supports us all equally as one, then I destroy us all, because I am that which exists in support of us all as who I exist as here.

2009-01-28T17:09:00.000-08:00

We all know what we do and why we do it. In my own experience I have found that it has been mostly about proving to others that I am "right" and justified in doing so because I have not wanted to admit that I have been wrong. Yet, if I am truly interested in seeing my influence and responsibility within this world, there would exist no justifications, but only a willingness to see what it is that I actually cause to manifest. Defending my point of view and defending why I do the things I do is an exercise in self-preservation and based on image of how I would like to be seen. In this case reality matters not, and the image is the central matter. The reality in this case is that I would be defending a persona, and disinterested in the actuality of me. It is to drop the defending, and to be here as all that I am. It is to see who I am, and what I cause because of who I have become. I am that in which I see. This does not entail creating more illusion to hide that in which I am or have been.

2009-01-24T13:44:00.000-08:00

I have had a mission to spread the message of oneness and equality as the expression of life as all as one as equal, and have gone about it largely by sharing information, but not necessarily expressing myself as the expression of life. This is a ridiculous and fruitless pursuit. I have used the expression that it would be a little like jumping off of a boat into the cold water to explain that the boat is where one should be.
Remaining on a boat is much more effective than merely explaining why. The why and how is already self-evident and explanations are unnecessary. Proof is unnecessary also, because it is also already self-evident.
In this very moment, an anxiousness exists for me to be able to express life as myself to the masses. It is here that I express life. The desire to express is of the mind, because my expression already exists, if I give my expression over to the mind then I have already stepped outside of that expression of myself here. So I express here as who I am here, not as how we should live there, but how I live here.
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For me to realise that I am bigger than this individual persona, and that the world in which I live is me. For my actions to support the world as the self-honest expression of me as the expression of me as all as one as equal as life. That is done here within this very breath. It is a letting go of that in which drives me, and letting me be me as all that I am here within every breath. My place in all of this is irrelevant, and concern for where and what I will become is irrelevant. It is here that I am what I am, and that is where I live. All of the knowledge that I have obtained is useless here. But it is what I apply here that actually has any impact on anything. Thoughts about bringing about a better world have no place here. Here within self-honesty in every moment is already the application of the principle of oneness and equality, that allows a new world to be born of life.

2009-01-12T21:12:00.000-08:00

To forgive. Forgiving myself and others. It is most important to identify exactly what forgiveness is. Perhaps I can easier identify what it isn't. It isn't about guilt or punishment or regret and does not connect the past with what is here. It is a fresh moment, here. It is to take it from here. This breath. To start anew from here. To forgive that in which has just happened and be absolutely certain that here is the moment. Who one is here is reality. It is to give oneself this moment before definition or ideas have tainted the moment with prejudice.

2008-12-08T06:36:00.000-08:00

There are definitions of each situation within the mind, which selects from within a "multiple choice" of definitions to make sense of the world. It is limited to that in which one has defined the world. For instance, to say that someone is mean, is choosing from within a definition that exists within the mind. Within choosing from this "multiple choice", one only expands one's own definition of what mean is, and reinforces the idea of 'mean' as an idea of reality.

Each idea is connected to another definition of reality.

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It is the opportunity for me here to embrace myself as I am here. There is an idea that I might not be noticed if I were to just be myself, without doing something out of the ordinary in order to be noticed. It has been my modus operandi; to step out of my 'ordinary placement' within this world. I have never embraced this situation, because I have longed for others to stand in awe of me. I wanted something more than myself here, and from this desire, became the manifested expression of non-acceptance of myself here.

If I am unnoticed...then I am unnoticed. To desire something else breeds only dissatisfaction and non-acceptance of who I am here. This is true of all desire. It is plain to see that one can never be satisfied by becoming dissatisfied with what is here. It is ridiculously obvious, yet it is rarely ever seen or understood.

If it is understood that, I am that I am, then to allow myself to exist within and as desire or dissatisfaction is truly the epitome of self-abuse.

2008-12-03T16:28:00.000-08:00

Interesting...I sent out this email to Shauna, and I haven't a clue if it is even her email or if it is, if she even checks it. Hehehe. A year ago, I would have been in knots, waiting for a reply. But today, there is no "best" scenario. Any result is an opportunity to face myself within self-honesty of who I exist as here. I have to admit that I almost feel like jumping up and down in ecstasy because I see how little I am attached to a certain outcome. Also, I would have been hoping desparately that she wouldn't misconstrue what I had written to her. HA.

I see that within any situation, that it is all for me to face myself. This being said; I also see a trap that I have fallen into in similar situations in which I have taken for granted that I am a "greater" being now, so to relax and give myself a "break" from remaining here is something I can "treat" myself to. It is utterly ridiculous to believe in such a thing.

2008-12-02T19:39:00.000-08:00

I wrote Shauna an email, and what came out of it was a placement of an agreement with myself that I accept myself for all that I am within self-honesty. I have had so many ideas of her as the most perfect person on earth. A commodity that one needs to trap and contain within a box of a relationship.

Perhaps continuous contact with her would facilitate myself to remain self-dishonest, which is unacceptable. I see that anything and everything supports me to stand as the self-honest expression of myself here. What she chooses is of no relevance to who I am here. How I had come to place an agreement in front of her was but myself expressing myself here as all that I exist as here. Whether or not she is willing to assist herself as the self-honest expression of herself as all as one as equal is largely an unknown, and yet another opportunity to prove to myself that I am able to trust in self here unconditionally.

I have been gone for so long, and I welcome myself to remain here. Thoughts of future outcomes are not welcome here. I am here. It is nice to be here within acceptance of all that I am here.

2008-12-02T16:37:00.000-08:00

From this point of searching out acceptance in which I have based my entire life upon, I have created myself to become the manifested expression of non-acceptance of myself. Any time I have accomplished what I had sought, I have not gotten any more acceptance than when I had started, because when I had reached a point that I had believed would finally gain the acceptance that I so desparately desired, it was still nowhere within myself. I was already the manifested expression of non-acceptance of self here. Thus any exterior acceptance still did not exist within and as myself.

This is a major point to realise. It is the origin of who I have become and is key to remaining within acceptance of who I am here. I have pursued "perfection" in every aspect of my life so that the world would apparently have no choice but to accept me as I am; and the world has accepted me as who I am, which has been as the manifested expression of non-acceptance. All because I have begun the search in the first place, which only implies that that in which I have searched out does not exist here.

2008-12-02T06:54:00.000-08:00

I find that my placement within this world is that of the extremely ordinary. This has sent me on mission after mission to prove to the world that I am anything but ordinary. As a small child, I had little interest in what my peers thought of me, but adults' opinion of me, I held in highest regard. From adults, I got praise for the things I did, but from children my age, I was hardly ever noticed. It was from authourity figures that I sought acceptance, because I was able to stand out as something "special".
This desire to be "special" has held my attention, maybe more than any other one thing within this lifetime. From within this starting point I have built my personality as it exists today. This personality is dependent upon others' acceptance of me. I have not realised that, I have searched and searched outside myself for acceptance that does not exist, because it has not existed within. Acceptance is not something that is gained, as I had believed. Acceptance IS.

2008-12-01T21:33:00.000-08:00

I have existed as the mind, constantly watching myself from a mind's perspective; judging my every move in order to keep tabs on who I exist as. I have not realised that consulting the mind to explain to me who I am is but a reflection of who I actually am. It is a distorted view, tainted by the beliefs that I have allowed to be constructed within and as myself. From within this I create myself to be self-judgment, and self-acceptance is never realised. What has been accepted is self-judgment and what I have defined from within the mind as acceptable. I have not allowed self to participate here, because I have had no self-trust and I have not been aware that self even exists. Ideas have replaced self, and it is ideas that have been the director of my existence. "I" has not existed here. It is because the mind has been involved in every aspect of my being, and I have believed that I am exclusively the mind, and the possibilities I have allowed are all within the limitations of the mind's constructs and beliefs.

Reading Osho's words, I have realised that beautiful words are used to conceal the true nature of self. I have used the same strategy in being "nice". It is nothing but a mask of my true nature, in the same way that people display themselves to be "mean" to disguise the nature of themselves and present a tough exterior so that nobody goes past the exterior. This is all done out of fear of revealing who one really is.

2008-11-26T21:02:00.000-08:00

Beliefs are barriers. Everyone with a belief, thinks their belief is the real truth. Beliefs have nothing to do with what is absolute. But rather all about a decision to live within a certain set of rules and remain within these cycles endlessly. Within this belief system there is not any avenue available to go beyond the barriers within that belief system. It is a closed loop, and remains so for as long as one continues to live through and as the belief system adopted. The belief system does not include seeing itself, because it is placed to maintain and upgrade itself to remain within and as the being that has lived through and as the belief.

As realisations are made, to allow these realisations to pass without hanging onto them in an attempt at turning the realisation into knowledge can be a real challenge. It is a fresh moment here that is real. Who one is within this moment is the only matter. Self trust is never called upon by hanging onto knowledge. It is fear of the future that causes us to listen to the mind's logic and go back to a past realisation of ourselves and bring that knowledge to the present. This strips us of any realisation of ourselves here. Because in bringing forth a memory to deal with this new moment, we choose "security" of the past, which is based upon fear of the future and lack of self trust here.

It is remaining here that exercises our self trust, and the only way that self trust can ever be realised as that in which we are. All other practices keep us enslaved to our minds. What we have defined as "security" is the post to which we have kept ourselves tethered; because we have believed that something other than self is required to remain here. Enslavement has become our security because we have no self trust that without being tethered to some belief, that we would have no basis and would lose ourselves.

The resistance that exists to simply remaining here within awareness of breath is lack of self trust. Because we want reassurance that we are living "correctly." This summons the mind to step in and take control. It is the belief that if we could first consult the reasoning mind to gauge ourselves to be absolutely sure that we can just breathe without any unseen consequences, then it would finally be okay to do so. Of course, this is practice in self suppression, since self is not the starting point of this situation, but self-distrust instead is called upon to be the director.

2008-11-23T17:23:00.000-08:00

To remain here as the self honest expression of who I am, I am bombarded with thoughts and distractions. Security presents itself as of utmost importance. The fear that if I don't think and don't make sure that I am doing and being the "right" thing is at the forefront, and presents me with security "problems". This figuring and deciphering myself has been so thoroughly placed as myself, that I often engage in this habit without even being aware that I am supporting myself to exist as and through ideas of myself.

I am not an idea. I am here as the physical manifestation and expression that I have become. To be aware of myself here transcends definition. I am the physically manifested statement that I have allowed myself to become. It is within the parameters of my own beliefs that I have become so extremely limited by the beliefs onto which I hold.

It is within remaining here without defining myself or the experience within the experience. I am merely here. That includes everything and I become awareness of what is here.

2008-11-22T21:57:00.000-08:00

I am faced with programming my mind to self honesty. How is this done? My thoughts are beliefs that I have of the world, and these beliefs are what bind me to the experience that I have of myself.They limit me to the belief system that I have placed within. Therefore nothing but the belief system and the consequences of that belief system in which I participate can ever manifest here.

The world today exists as it does, because we have made it so, through our own interpretation of reality. It is the experience of myself here that is the origin of creation. If I believe something to be true, then I have already made it so through my own belief. It is the limitation that I have placed upon myself. To discard my beliefs is to discard limitation.

It is to remain here without conclusions or interpretations of what is here. The experience itself is already absolute, with no need for understanding. Understanding takes place during the experience of oneself experiencing self here without explanation.

From a baby, we knew no limitation. But to connect with the human beings in this world, we were forced to comply with the views and beliefs that had been chosen by those that had gone before us. They had chosen to live within a set of beliefs and parameters, and have called it reality. We were taught to believe as they do, and to limit our experience to that in which they have believed to be absolute, but as it turns out, it is accepted self-inflicted limitation.

If I am to feel anxious then that is my own acceptance of myself to exist as such. I am why. I am the cause of my experience. Interpretting what is seen only limits what is seen to exist as an explanation of what is seen. I feel anxious because I allow myself to feel anxious. To look for reasons as to why I feel anxious is to disregard myself here, and seeks out comfort in reason.

The physical is absolute. It exists here. Who I exist as physically here is absolute and cannot be questioned. It is the I am. Within awareness of I am, illusion does not exist. It is an absolute statement of hereness with no room for interpretation, judgments or opinions.

2008-11-20T18:48:00.000-08:00

Living as the self honest expression of self as oneness and equality is each and everyones' responsibility to themselves in being self honest. It is either through standing as oneness and equality here, or in manifesting self as the the dishonesties that one has decided to live within and as in order to see the consequences of self dishonesty upon existence. We have not stood as oneness and equality because we have hidden ourselves from the consequences that we create as self dishonesty. It has not affected us directly enough for us to actually care about the dishonesties we continue to live within and as. So we continue to choose our desires over oneness and equality.

Within choosing self dishonesty, we manifest ourselves as the suffering of the world, so that we may see for ourselves that our desires are manifested as self abuse. Until we have abused ourselves and have suffered extensively enough from the self abuse that we have chosen to create as ourselves, do we finally see. It is when we have had enough self abuse that we will finally say no more do I accept myself as self abuse, and a stand for and as oneness and equality becomes inevitable.

It is our own choice here that decides which path will be taken. Do we choose oneness and equality here, or do we choose to manifest self abuse until we finally see?

2008-11-15T09:12:00.000-08:00

These ideas that we get from the mind are nothing but something we have allowed as our own beliefs to exist. It limits us to that in which we believe. If we believe we are too weak, then we manifest ourselves as "too weak". If we believe ourselves to be not able to stand, then that is manifested as ourselves. If we believe the mind is too powerful for us to stop it, it is because we have allowed that belief to exist.

It is common sense to see that when we believe in something, it places us within a condition that the mind has set up for us to live within and as. As an example I will use the example of the belief of being in a hole:

I am in a hole and need to find a way out: this is the belief system that has been set up.

There are various ideas on how to get out of this hole, and it has been said by many people before us that we must find a way to get out. There are stories of many people getting close. And even I, myself have felt very close to the rim, only to end up falling just I had reached what I had believed was the highest I had ever gotten.
But all of this attainment is nothing but an idea of elevation gain. By what others have told us and our experience of, when we get close to the rim, an overall sense of well being, which as it turns out is also just an idea of what we believe well being is.

All the while we have not realised that our idea that there is a way out is just an illusion and a belief that has been passed down from generation to generation.
The reality is that it appears as if there is a way out, but we have never considered that there is no way out and that it is not even a hole to begin with, but rather a cone that stretches into infinity, with one possible outcome. Which is, of course, that there is no way out, and what we have believed and based our enitre existence upon is an idea of freedom from that in which there is no possibility for escape, and we are stuck here.

2008-11-13T17:16:00.000-08:00

I have continued to stab myself in the back, because I haven't not lived as the torture of myself to satisfy the mind that has taken great pleasure in my perception of agony. I have not stood up because I have not raped myself enough to satisy the empty hole that I have allowed myself to become. I have not given a flying fuck about anything or anybody but my own perception of myself. To exist as greater than all of existence has held my attention and my every move has been from this starting point. No, my life has not been of oneness and equality, no not an iota of oneness and equality has ever even been considered, because I have held onto my own self importance over all of existence.
So I declare here that yes, I have had enough. We have suffered enough because of my self promoting agenda. No, I am not sorry. I do not accept myself as being sorry. I do not accept myself as self preservation. I do not accept myself as a raping, plundering back stabbing manifestion within this world. I stand here for oneness and equality. I am not happy. I am not sad. I do not accept myself as happy or sad because neither stand as oneness and equality. I do not accept myself as anything that cannot stand as oneness and equality. I do not accept others to accept me, other than from the starting point of oneness and equality.
Tall words, and absolutely meaningless without application. I do not accept myself as hoping that I can live up to the words I speak because hoping is not of oneness and equality and from a starting point of saving face and cowardice. Yes, tall words I speak indeed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up when I have been able to stand as oneness and equality all along.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as believing that it is too fucking hard to stand for oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as not dedicating myself to myself as oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to wait to stand until conditions were just right for me to stand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and not take responsibility for the suffering of the world that I myself have allowed and accepted as just the way it is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as needing others to stand as oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as making any excuse available to delay standing for and as oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be strong.
Strong is not of oneness and equality, but a manifestation of polarity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as being "serious" about standing up this time.
Serious is a definition of myself and is of polarity.
I stand here as myself as oneness and equality for oneness and equality.
I am no greater or less than anything or anyone in existence. I am existence as oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe I need advice as how I can stand for oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to seek being ahead or on top of process.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that process means the process of all beings and not about the process of an individual.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire to look down upon individuals that do not understand process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look up to individuals as being "ahead" in process.
I forgive myself that I have judged myself as an individual being and have believed myself to be separate from anything.
There is one, and that one is me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be concerned with talking shit, so have kept quiet so I that I could remain a "man of my word."
I forgive myself that I have carefully chosen the words I speak so that I could appear as a "man of my word."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an image of reality.Ii forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being corrected by another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as allowing another as something other than oneness and equality, so as not to disturb their happy little illusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that bliss is of oneness and equality.
If we are one, how can bliss exist in this attrocity we have created?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can exist outside the suffering of the world.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I am the suffering of the world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to look for a way out of this suffering so that I may live oblivious to the suffering of the world.
I am the world and the world is me and we suffer together as long as any suffer.

2008-11-13T06:50:00.000-08:00

Standing as all as one as equal. What will it take for me to do stand? The hour is 12:00 and this preprogrammed existence has not stood as one and equal. We have chosen non-existence over self. To ignore ourselves and live as slaves to a predetermined program that we have refused to let go. Until the bitter end we cling to absolute predictability. There is a library of endless opportunity, yet from one book we choose to read over and over, because it gives us great comfort to be familiar with the story. We fear that what we may hear from another book, so it is from the book that we have read countless times that we continue read. Lifeless predictability, with no room for deviation into the unknown.

2008-11-12T14:56:00.000-08:00

This robot works well alone, and as people come to recognise him, his programming gets haywired, and no longer knows how to behave. If it is something that others enjoy, then he feels obligated to become the source of their enjoyment. And yet when he is not recognised by others, his efforts are toward doing something that stands out from the rest, so that he may feel some self worth, by others' oohs and ahhs.

I've realised these things about myself, especially the alone part. It is as if I've been set up to remain on the fringe of society. A position that I have never come to embrace. It suited me well in my teenage years as a saboteur of social functions, but even then I sought notoriety.
So from this position of "just under the radar", how may I assist from this point as oneness and equality?

I've found that no matter what it is that I do, that I will never gain anybody's acceptance from something I do or don't do because it is the being within that is of the only importance. In my case the being within has been of trying to gain acceptance through a doing of something. To attempt to define myself by an activity, and have completely disregarded the being within. So in this I have not been here to even have any chance at acceptance, because the being has been non-existent.

2008-11-12T09:36:00.000-08:00

For me to be a part of desteni has largely been for my own accomplishment. It is what I had seen as "the truth", and one of my greatest desires has been to know the truth of all things. Not for the sake of being one and equal with everyone, but rather to elevate myself into "the know" for my own well being, and sense of bliss. Other points such as feeling a sense of accomplishment and or being a key figure in the history of man also was much of my motivation. Oneness and equality was just an idea that cloaked my intentions of self gain. Image, ego, and comfort being the primary forces involved.
Nonetheless, it is who I am here that counts in every moment of every breath. It has taken me quite a journey to realise that it is not possible to go in and out of self honesty and somehow become the living, breathing, physically manifested expression of self honesty. But an unwavering dedication to myself to live self honesty in every moment of every breath into eternity. Then comes a point of no return in which all that one is is self, in which self dishonesty is no longer an option, because it longer exists within.
Still it is who I am here; this moment that determines the nature of my unfoldment. It is who I am here that is the microcosym of myself eternally.

2008-11-11T07:12:00.000-08:00

I have accepted and allowed programs to run as myself within each moment of breath. The programs that run are the programs that continue to run into the future. So those programs in which I participate are those that I have accepted and allowed to remain within.

Maybe that sounds confusing....uh....For instance, if there is a desire within for sex, it is there because I have allowed that program to be installed by my participation in that program.
Periodically that program will flash on the screen in a pop up window and say:
"desire for sex? please click the option you'd like to be carried out."
Then there will be a list of options like :
"Masturbate-call girlfriend-go to bar-fantasize-remind me later."
So no matter what line of action is taken from this desire, it will still be from the starting point of this program directing me.
We've become the programs in which we have participated.
Run program "breathe".
Run program "self-forgiveness"
Run program "self honesty"

2008-11-09T22:15:00.000-08:00

I seek or run from relationships because I fear non acceptance and fear of being left alone. I have a need within for support from others to stand as myself, but common sense shows me that it is alone that I am able to stand as myself. It is a concept that if I were to have support for a little while, then I can learn to stand here as self. This is just an excuse that can be made to remain dependent upon the relationships that I have created for myself.
There's a desire within to express oneness and equality, which stems from my own need to be accepted as something valuable by others. For the words I speak to be insightful to those who hear so that I may have some evidence of my own self worth to the world. This goes back to me as a child, when my desire was to please my parents, to be seen and accepted as a "good son" and to hear the words "I'm proud of you son." I have done all that I have known how to do to be accepted by the world, and it is all for nothing, because I have not accepted myself here. I have looked to the world to tell me that I am good enough or that I am doing enough, and still I gained no more acceptance. I have gone largely unnoticed by the world, and it has been a great desire of mine to be seen and accepted for anything by anyone. I have constantly cried out to the world "hey, look at me! Am I good enough to be accepted? Am I doing what I need to do to be accepted and noticed?" This all because I have looked for acceptance in the first place. Thus, I've created myself and the world around me to become the expression of lack of acceptance of myself. Can I say goodbye to the world and say hello to myself? It is for me to reveal.